Archive for October, 2015

CNBC's dumpster is where good investigative journalism begins

CNBC’s dumpster is where good investigative journalism and sweet eating begins

The Lint Screen used dumpster diving journalism to unearth a crumpled sheet of paper with questions that were not asked in the Republican Presidential Debate on Wednesday. (TLS also found a delicious jelly donut with only one bite taken! Strawberry!!!)

Here are the questions that were not posed:
1. Where do each of you see you see yourself in two years?
2. Mr. Trump, I’m thinking of a number between one and twenty. What is it, and are you crazy?
3. Governor Bush, are you running to get the approval of your parents? Do you think they love your brother more than you because he won the oval office?
4. Senator Paul, who do you like better–– Peter, Paul or Mary?
5. Dr. Carson, everyone has heard about your ability to separate the heads of conjoined infants, but which medical drama do you think is better–– “E.R.” or “Gray’s Anatomy”? Why?
6. Governor Huckabee, your name is fun to say. What nationality are you, anyway?
7. Senator Cruz, you’re Cuban. Can you explain why Desi Arnaz cheated on Lucille Ball?
8. Governor Christie, do you want to eat the rest of my sandwich and chips I have under my desk? There’s a dill pickle spear, too!
9. Ms. Fiorina, I have an HP Officejet Pro 8100 that keeps jamming. What do you think’s wrong with the darn thing?
10. Senator Rubio, why is Florida so popular with serial killers?
11. Governor Kasich, what four-letter state containing three vowels is the best, and why haven’t you used a Nazi comparison yet in your campaign?
12. Could I get all of you to hold hands, turn to one another and say, “I love you”? It’ll make for great television!

Rep Gowdy vows to find the elusive figure "for once and for all."

Rep. Gowdy vows to find Waldo “for once and for all.

Hot off the success of grilling Hillary Clinton about her involvement in the Benghazi brouhaha, The Lint Screen has learned Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) will be heading a special Congressional committee to investigate the whereabouts of Waldo.

“I am sick and tired of people asking, ‘Where’s Waldo?'” Gowdy told a packed press conference. “It’s high time we found this sneaky guy. The longer this Waldo’s whereabouts are unknown, the more danger we all face!”

Gowdy said he will select a bipartisan committee to look into the “Waldo affair” since he does not want there “to be any stink of political hijinks.” Many felt the eighth investigation into Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi attack was politically motivated.

“We have no idea what this Waldo character is capable of,” said a somber Gowdy. “But we do know he goes out of his way to blend in and not to be found. That tells us he must be an imminent threat to America’s security. I plan to find this sneaky no goodnik, for once and for all. I want to be like Sheriff Andy Taylor and bring this outlaw to justice and keep our country safe!” Gowdy said with tears in his eyes. He then saluted his American flag lapel pin.

Waldo could not be found for a comment.

Hef is an old dog learning new tricks

Hef is an old dog learning new tricks

The world took notice last week when it was announced that Playboy magazine would no longer publish totally nude girlie pictures in 2016, but the world had no idea how dramatic the changes would be at the new Playboy.

Today, Hugh Hefner, the brainiac behind Playboy, held a press conference where he announced his vision for the new magazine.

“Porn is everywhere,” the silk bathrobe-wearing wonder said. “We can’t win that game, so, we’ll be giving guys what they really want–– pictures of hydraulic pumps, rotary actuators and other hydraulic componentry. Macho machinery. What red blooded American guy doesn’t like some grease on his hands? And, to show our sweeter side, pictorials of hard candies. I know the kids love their hard candies,” the 89-year-old swinger said. “Hell’s bells, who doesn’t like a good sweet? Oh, and another thing–– recipes, lots of delicious crock pot recipes because men like easy meals with minimal clean up.”

The old man looked down and realized his bathrobe had become untied and his privates were showing. Two sexy women in bunny ears and bunny tails quickly escorted him off the stage. “Young men are going to love my new Playboy,” he was heard saying to no one in particular. “Why in my day…”

Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes vodka in his bowl.

Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes Bulgarian caviar treats.

Ruski top dog Vlad Putin is tired of getting the bum wrap of being a bad actor on the world stage, so he’s taking steps to soften his hardline image.

Enter “Mr. Bojangles”: the first puppy of Russia and furry best friend of the prez.

“Mr. Bojangles is adorable,” said Ivan Bakinov, a Kremlin spokesman told The Lint Screen. “Those big eye orbs of his melts hearts. President Putin plans to hold Mr. Bojangles when he announces Russian invasions or bombings. Also, when he denies involvement in the assassinations of his enemies. Aw, look at him, he just left a present on the floor–– I mean the dog, not our revered and loved president!”

The cute puppy scampered across the shiny marble floor of the Kremlin mischievously, as if he knew he had done something bad.

“We are teaching Mr. Bojangles how to dance for you,” said Mr. Bakinov as he mopped his brow. “That should take the heat off President Putin and provide amusement for media newsniks. Now leave,” he commanded TLS reporter, “or you will be shot.”

The Lint Screen reporter ran away crying, trying not to drip tears on the Kremlin floor.

N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action

N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action

He has a reputation for being a bit of a hothead, and now North Korean Superstar Incredible Best Ever Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un is suing Supercuts, the American hairstyling company.

Officials close to the charismatic dynamo told The Lint Screen that Kim Jong Un has hired a Supercuts stylist to fashion his hair for years, but the immortal god of the people was “terribly upset” with his latest cut.

“Our benevolent superior will teach these capitalistic pigs they cannot destroy him with scissors,” said a spokesman. “He feels his latest haircut makes him look childish, weak and impotent. He will not stand for this affront! If satisfaction cannot be achieved in courts, he will resort to nuclear justice. He cannot wait for his hair to grow to cover the egregious mistakes of a hostile stylist!”

Famous enemies vow to see if all you need is love.

Famous enemies vow to see if all you need is love.

For 75 years, Tom and Jerry have been fighting like cats and dogs, but they called a press conference today to announce they had settled their long dispute. “I can’t even recall how our feud began,” said a contemplative Tom the cat as he lit a pipe.

“Maybe it’s because you’re a hostile a-hole,” said Jerry, the wiseacre mouse.

“I’ve got anger management issues, for sure,” Tom said, as he scooped Jerry into his paw then into his mouth. “But it’s nothing a mouse diet can’t cure.”

In the cat’s belly, Jerry lit a bomb. It exploded, and Tom blew-up into a million bloody pieces.

“Now, you’re not such an angry prick,” Jerry said, wiping the blood from his mouse paws and beginning to walk away. SUDDENLY, Tom came running from stage left chasing the mouse.

“How I wish I could die,” the feline said in a frustrated whine.

“You and me, both!” Jerry said.

The reporter from The Lint Screen shook his head and wondered if those two would ever settle their differences!