Archive for November, 2015

Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives.

Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives Thanksgiving dinner.

Into the hub-bub surrounding the immigration brouhaha enters Edward Fletcher, a 67-year-old Boston native and direct descendant of Moses Fletcher, a passenger on the Mayflower bringing pilgrims to America in 1620. Mr. Fletcher has “had his fill of the silly jabberwocky” about immigration reform.

“As far as I’m concerned,” the tall Yankee told The Lint Screen, “damn near all you people here today are illegals. If you can’t trace your people to the Mayflower, then get out of our country!”

Fletcher believes lax laws and “stupid liberal symbols like the Statue of Liberty” have ruined America by stocking these shore with “Germans, Irish, Poles, Jews, Arabs, Italians, Catholics Africans, French, Russians, Far Easterners, Scots and a whole gang of foreign na-er-do-wells who have no business or right being here.”

Fletcher believes all foreigners “need to be rounded up and shipped back from whence they came! The gravy train is over, you freeloaders,” the irate Pilgrim said. “This country is ours, those of us descended from the brave souls who landed here and earned our citizenship fair and square by feeding the Indians Thanksgiving dinner, and getting their country in return as a gift. I say that if your people weren’t on the Mayflower, then get on out of here!”

The irate man paused. “But before you go, build a tall wall around our borders. It’s the least you could do!”

A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.

A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.

Best Buy just announced its big Black Friday Savingspalooza will begin at 5:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day, and to make the event more festive, the retailer will be selling guns and knives in store parking lots.

“We are going to have some incredible deals,” said Justin Sindycox, Director of Pleasant Customer Experiences told The Lint Screen. “We believe the best buys at Best Buys should go to the best shoppers, and that means those with their eyes on the prize. So, we’ll give aggressive shoppers an edge with some quality weaponry. We invite shoppers to get armed, and get ready to save like never before! And may the best shoppers survive.”

Many have criticized the encroachment of retailer sales messages on a cherished family holiday. “Look, it’s not like families need a full turkey dinner,” said Sindycox. “They can grab a turkey sandwich and some Lay’s at 7-Eleven, get in line and gobble up incredible savings at Best Buy. This event will be the start of a new American tradition. And now that people can arm themselves, the free market can truly rule!”

Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement

Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement

Theoretical Physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking has received his first LinkedIn endorsement, a spokesman announced today.

“Dr. Hawking is thrilled beyond belief,” Matthew Hunspurden told The Lint Screen. “He feels this kind of public endorsement on an esteemed social media site like LinkedIn will catapult his career into the stratosphere.”

Hawking, who is known to be pretty intelligent, was endorsed by Harry Tadpole from Toledo, Ohio, a self-described “retail clerk/science enthusiast.” Tadpole endorsed Hawking for the skill of “knowing smartypants stuff.”

“LinkedIn is an invaluable business networking tool,” said Hunspurden, “and although Dr. Hawking does not personally know Mr. Tadpole, he is forever in his debt for the ringing endorsement. This really could be a game changer for Dr. Hawking’s entire career.”