Archive for December, 2015

Old Man 2015 Is Nervous and Insurance-Happy!

Old Man 2015 Is Nervous and Insurance-Happy!

The year 2015 has lived 364 carefree days, but today he appears to have a nervous eye on his well being and future.

The old year scrambled as he applied for Obamacare (silver level) and a $20,000 life insurance policy. A spokesman for 2015 told The Lint Screen “This guy’s a bit of a procrastinator. He meant to apply for insurance back in February, but it just kind of slipped his mind. Now he’s taking swift action. He’s also working on doing some of the items on his bucket list. It’s a pretty long list–– number one is to get a calendar. He’s determined to get it all in. I’m sure everything will work out fine for 2015.”

Right. The old guy’s golden.

Harvey blunders through and breaks little hearts.

Harvey blunders through and breaks little hearts.

After his embarrassing debacle of announcing the wrong winner at The Miss Universe Pageant on Sunday, Steve Harvey needed some P.R. redemption. So, his handlers gave him a lay up by arranging for the shamed celeb to play Santa at the St. Pious Orphanage in Brooklyn, and Harvey blew that cushy gig!

“He was giving out presents to all the kids, and they were so happy,” Fr. Thomas Allenred, the managing director told The Lint Screen. “Then, Harvey suddenly grabbed all the gifts back and re-distributed them. The children were crestfallen, they were very upset and started crying. Harvey got agitated and shouted, ‘Not again!’ and ripped off his beard and stormed out in a huff. We’ve brought in professional grief counsellors to help our children with this tragic situation.”

Steve Harvey has not been seen since, but St. Pious Orphanage has booked him again next year to be Santa.

Llama needed, preferably not played by a llama.

Llama needed, preferably not played by a llama.

Part of our mission at The Lint Screen is to illuminate the mysterious corners of life and make the truth cover its privates. With that in mind, below are some casting specifications intercepted for an upcoming film production.

The Professor:

His name is Charles Humbecker, his close friends call him “Charles” or “Ester.”

He’s the sort of guy you might meet standing in a long line, or at a pot luck your sister-in-law’s throwing after a nude croquet game.

He is an intellectual of sorts. Bookwormy. Nebbish. Comfortably tweedy.

As a youngster, he logged some serious time with his head inverted inside a toilet bowl. He is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge and higher education. He pursued his dream and became a tenured professor at a prestigious university overcharging its students for fairly worthless degrees that look impressive when expensively framed.

Humbecker has the ability to make every minute in his classroom feel like a half hour. Some of his students are left-handed and harbor wild conspiracy theories about Snickers candy bars (it’s important the actor projects this fact as it is a key plot point in Act Two’s llama-in-the-Target-store scene).

His age is fifty-plus but his eyes should read sweet-16. He can be tall, or short (it’s critical he have some degree of vertical height since we will be building sets and it’s good to have contrast on walls).

He likes antiques, making papier-mâché elephant heads, and hoarding cotton candy. You know the type, right?

The Smart Shopper:

She is every woman, except prettier. And her name is Amy Gattersnort.

She’s thirty-something and conveys bewilderment and cunning when she hears the professor blather on. When she leaves the store environment, she has a relieved and comfortable smile. Life is now easy thanks to her purchases of coffee filters, Twizzlers, tweezers and Bounce sheets. Perhaps now her cheating husband will avert his wandering eyes and stop his daylong drinking binges. The actress should project confidence that her character is optimistic that soon her estranged sister will call and apologize for the ugly “Cheez Nip Incident.”

Our Smart Shopper is a woman who can convey the range of emotion from confusion to total satisfaction to ecstatic befuddlement. Ain’t she something?

The Llama

Since apparently these animals are difficult to work with (with their obnoxious spitting and what-have-you), it’d be nice to find a dog, cat or smallish actor who can be made up and act like a llama would act (if it were able to take direction and not be a total ass).

Smooky unleashed on ISIS.

Smookie unleashed on ISIS.

U.S. intelligence officials announced today they are “fighting terror with sorrow” by deploying Smookie The Sad Kitten on known terrorist websites.

“We’ve been working on the technology under wraps for years,” John Smith (not his real name, it’s an alias for Chuck Windowbee of Arlington, Virginia) told The Lint Screen. “We decided it was time to fight these bastards where it hurts–– in the cute kitten department!”

Smith says that by closely monitoring known ISIS websites, the intelligence community discovered that terrorists are responsible for some of the heaviest traffic in searches for “cute kittens” on the internet.

“But now, when some bad guy wants to unwind with some snaps of cute kittens, he’s going to be served a depressing dish of sadness, compliments of Smookie, the most forlorn bundle of fur anyone’s ever laid their pitiful eyes on. Smookie instantly sucks up all the happiness in the world. Take that you merciless killers!”

Smith gave a maniacal laugh then draped himself with a black blanket and slunk out the door, probably to go his home at 1377 Chestnut Terrace Drive in Arlington.

Her alleged "friends" disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly

Her alleged “friends” disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly

Sandy Minkertom is mad, and you don’t want that!

The 36-year old Philadelphia insurance broker recently took drastic violent action by de-friending 812 people on Facebook after they did not accept her invitation to play the popular game Candy Crush.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said the upset Candy Crusher. “Here I was being a great friend and inviting them to share in my total passion, and my kindness was ignored.”

Before she took her extreme action, she made the following post on Facebook: “To all my so called ‘friends’–– who the hell do you think you are?! I invited you to play the absolute most fun game ever–– CANDY CRUSH–– and you not only didn’t take me up on my kind offer, you rubbed your legs together and made cricket noises in my face! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Well, I’ve had it up to here with all of you. I hate you! You are ALL now my enemies! I have half a mind to get an AK-47 and shoot you, and I’m sure the courts would support my actions! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE YOU AWFUL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!”

Then, she methodically de-friended 812 of her 813 friends “with extreme prejudice”, keeping her “friend” relationship with her Aunt Midge.

“Midge and I have an awesome CC tournament underway, and it’s a hoot,” Ms. Minkertom told The Lint Screen. “We also play Farmville and harvest bushels of fun together. It’s a blast!”

Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook officials could not be reached for comment.