Archive for February, 2016

Damon will star as famous Civil Rights Leader

Damon will star as famous Civil Rights Leader

The day after the Oscars, Sony Pictures announced it has greenlighted the long-awaited biopic of Martin Luther King.

“We heard America loud and clear,” Sony’s Senior V.P. of Development Winslow Cabbageweld III told The Lint Screen. He continued, “The people want to see more African-American stories, and one would be hard-pressed to find a more dramatic, more compelling one than that of Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King.”

The $100 million picture will star Matt Damon as MLK and Rachel McAdams as Coretta Scott King. Jeremy Renner will play Rev. Al Sharpton, with Zac Efron as Hosea Williams, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Andrew Young.

“We are expecting great things from this upcoming production,” Cabbageweld said. “Hollywood is going to prove for once and for all we ‘get it’ and we are ‘with it.’ And if this picture does big business, which I’m confident it will, we’ll do a sequel or six!”

A new candidate is born!

An exciting new candidate is born!

Now that Jeb! has officially sat on the sidelines of the 2016 Presidential race, his running mate ! has decided to go it alone.

“! really feels like it has a real shot,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “! is the most energetic and qualified punctuation mark in the English language, and has as much political experience as some of the other candidates. ! is pretty pumped to serve in the White House and lead America, which it plans to rename AMERICA! That’s a position no red-blooded American can oppose.”

The spokesperson asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and nasty Tweets.

Early polling shows ! beginning to surge.

It's Hammertime for Kanye's finances!

It’s Hammertime for Kanye’s finances!

Kanye West claims to be $53 million in debt, and his plea to Mark Zuckerberg for a cool billion has gone “unfriended”–– but a new man has entered the picture to save K’s bacon The Lint Screen has learned.

MC Hammer!

The legendary hip-hop star says he is “overjoyed” to be called on for help. “I know how to manage money,” Ham said as he fluffed his gold leaf parachute pants. “I’ll show Kanye how to stretch a buck. I’ll make him wealthy again in no time flat because when it comes to financial management acumen, well, you can’t touch this,” he said as he performed a split.

Six minutes later, two associates came to lift the former star from the floor. “Anyone got Zuckerberg’s digits,” MC asked. “I may need a new hip or two.”

Look who's suddenly Mr. Popular!

Look who’s suddenly Mr. Popular!

Tom Woolery is having his mail forwarded to cloud nine. The 42-year old Wausau, Wisconsin dentist just learned he has his second friend on Facebook.

“Got to say, I’m pretty darn jacked,” said the bachelor as he flossed. “I wasn’t so sure about this social media thing, but now that Betsy Ordencott has confirmed me as a Facebook friend, well, I think I’ve turned the corner on amassing what the kids call a posse.” He toasted The Lint Screen reporter and did a shot of Listerine, squished it around in his mouth for twenty seconds and spat it into the sink. “Yes siree,” he said with a wide pearly smile, “got me two Facebook friends! That’s got to be some kind of record.”

“I think I remember him,” confessed Ms. Ordencott, a 42-year old environmental engineer with the state. “He was kind of a pudgy kid who sat behind me in Mrs. Timkins high school algebra class. Wore a lot of plaids, and brown-bagged stinky sandwiches most days, as I recall.” Asked if this new friendship was going to change her life, the divorced mother of two teens was nonplussed. “I doubt it. I have like 780, 790 Facebook friends. He’s just another log on the fire.”

“I’m hoping I get to meet Betsy again some time soon,” said Mr. Woolery. “I’d also like to meet my other Facebook friend, a friendly guy named Mark Zuckerberg. He seems nice.”

They finally missed, wah wah wah!

They finally missed, wah wah wah!

It saddens me to report that Joel and Ethan Coen are mortals. They have finally written, directed and edited a not-so-great movie called “Hail, Caesar!”

It’s not a bad film, it has its moments and some nice scenes, but it’s overall a miss for the brothers Coen. Wah wah wah.

As a fanboy, I believe they are two of the most provocative filmmakers working, and maybe the best writers. I await every project of theirs with baited breath (live bait is tough to get at the concession stand, but Regal has pretty good nightcrawlers–– hold the butter!).

“Hail, Caesar!” has a stellar cast: George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Scarlett Johansson, Ralph Fiennes, Alden Ehrenreich, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton and Channing Tatum to drop a few names, and it has beautiful cinematography by master Roger Deakins, but the thing doesn’t gel.

The spoofs of the movie genres are spot on––– Esther Williams-swim-extravaganza, Gene Kelly-ish elaborate dance sequence, and overwrought Charlton Heston religious drama–– these are worth the price of admission. But the usual joy and crackling smart dialogue one comes to expect from the Coens is light.

It occasionally snaps, but the film doesn’t pop. Wah wah wah.

That said, I can’t wait until I see what the brothers do next. Back to the concession stand for some live bait.

Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

A jubilant Ted Cruz told a packed auditorium in Manchester, New Hampshire that his main rival in Tuesday’s primary, Donald J. Trump, had dropped out of the race.

“The Donald has quit the presidential race because that’s what quitters do–– they quit,” said a smiling Cruz.”Let’s face it, Trump’s a born loser. And Rubio, Carson, Christie, and Bush, they’ve all pulled the plug on their campaigns because they said their clothes were getting dirty and smelling funky, so they all ran home to be close to their closets and their dry cleaners. What babies–– they’re all weak!”

The crowd cheered at the news of a narrowing field. Candidate Cruz continued. “Americans deserves a president who has a vast wardrobe of blue and gray suits and isn’t afraid to overpack. America deserves Ted Cruz!”