Thu 31 Mar 2016
Reacting to a recent incident that has traumatized Emory University students, college officials have announced there will be no more chalk or sidewalks permitted on campus.
On March 21, students encountered sidewalks, stairs, and building walls with the words “TRUMP 2016” written in chalk. Many students screamed at the top of their lungs and ran about flailing their arms. Parents were called for emergency hugging sessions and “reaffirmation of student self-worth and specialness.”
“We had to take action,” Dr. Kenneth Wumbirde, Dean of Student Wonderful Experiences told The Lint Screen. “Effective immediately, we are banning the sales of chalk and chalk-like products on campus, and beginning to rip out sidewalks and replace them with soft green grass that will gently tickle the soft underfoot of our student body. Who has five little piggies?! You do, you do!.” the esteemed academician said in a high-pitched voice before catching himself and clearing his throat. “And if this horrific graffiti problem persists, we will commence tearing out stairs and toppling buildings so that the perpetrators have no available real estate for their focused aggressions.”
Many student support groups had begun and the University has brought in teams of psychiatrists to help with counseling.
“We must protect our student body from the influences of the outside world,” said Dr. Wumboor. “Students are paying the G.D.P. of Brazil to attend Emory, and they should not have to suffer such outrages.”