Archive for March, 2016

Emory University is taking action to curb influence of outside world.

Emory University is taking action to curb influence of outside world.


Reacting to a recent incident that has traumatized Emory University students, college officials have announced there will be no more chalk or sidewalks permitted on campus.

On March 21, students encountered sidewalks, stairs, and building walls with the words “TRUMP 2016” written in chalk. Many students screamed at the top of their lungs and ran about flailing their arms. Parents were called for emergency hugging sessions and “reaffirmation of student self-worth and specialness.”

“We had to take action,” Dr. Kenneth Wumbirde, Dean of Student Wonderful Experiences told The Lint Screen. “Effective immediately, we are banning the sales of chalk and chalk-like products on campus, and beginning to rip out sidewalks and replace them with soft green grass that will gently tickle the soft underfoot of our student body. Who has five little piggies?! You do, you do!.” the esteemed academician said in a high-pitched voice before catching himself and clearing his throat. “And if this horrific graffiti problem persists, we will commence tearing out stairs and toppling buildings so that the perpetrators have no available real estate for their focused aggressions.”

Many student support groups had begun and the University has brought in teams of psychiatrists to help with counseling.

“We must protect our student body from the influences of the outside world,” said Dr. Wumboor. “Students are paying the G.D.P. of Brazil to attend Emory, and they should not have to suffer such outrages.”

 

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Contented passengers enjoying their flight in “spacious cabin.”

 

For the first time in recorded history, a commercial airline flight had no bellyaching about a lack of legroom in the cabin.

“It’s a miracle,” said Flight Attendant Sheila Wesporde who worked American Airlines flight #491 from Phoenix to Los Angeles.on March 27. “I get tired of hearing people complain about the lack of legroom in their seats. It just gets old. I mean, I don’t design the planes or anything–– I just work them.”

“All our passengers on this flight were perfectly delighted,” said Roger That, Public Relations Specialist with the airline. “Our spacious aircraft are designed to afford passengers acres of ample legroom so they can stretch out and feel like they’re roaming the great planes of America! Planes with great planes spaces, yes indeedy!” The toothsome 40-something man smiled and gave a thumbs up.

“And I flew the plane,” said Capt. Lyle Westhurn. “I’m a pilot!”

A tumbleweed blew up the aisle as a coyote howled in the distance as a reporter from The Lint Screen scurried to hide in the restroom.

Charlie Brown wants to finally get happy–– with a full head o' hair!

Mr. Charlie Brown wants to finally, FINALLY get happy–– with a full head o’ hair!

Poor Charlie Brown. He’s lived 68-years as a kid with precious little hair and an obvious growth hormone problem, trapped in an existential hell with a crew of kids who never age and continue to repeat the same mistakes endlessly!

But at least one aspect of his life is about to change–– “Chuck” is getting some hair!

“I’m sick and tired of this crap,” said an irate Brown. “When Charles M. Schulz created me, the lazy slug just gave me a doodle for hair. A doodle! Can you believe the nerve!”

Brown said he has gone through decades of expensive therapy to deal with the issues caused by his lack of hair. He has been seeing the noted psychiatrist Dr. Lucille “Lucy” Van Pelt. “Although she only charges five cents a session, I’ve accumulated well over $300,000 in shrink fees. Of course, it doesn’t do much for my self-confidence when she also repeated promises to hold the football for me to kick, then pulls it away at the last minute. But I keep falling for that crap. What a schmuck!”

“Charlie Brown is a big crybaby,” responded Dr. Van Pelt. “He can bitch all he wants, and I’m not betraying any professional confidences here when I say that the dude is way more than a few bananas short of a bunch! The cat’s totally bonkers!”

She should know.

Charlie Brown says his new hair will give him confidence and boost his fragile self-esteem. “I plan on joining The Hair Club For Men,” said Brown. “I’m getting more plugs than a Super Bowl game, and once my thick bushy head of hair comes in, look out! Ol’ Chuckie Brown’s going to be the man all the ladies want!”

When Brown was told by The Lint Screen that his main crush, The Little Red-Haired Girl, had recently shacked up with Schroeder, his confidence crashed. “Rats! It’s always the musicians, isn’t it? They’re like catnip for hot babes. I guess I’m just a loser, after all. Sigh.”

Manning opens up and bares his soul to The Lint Screen.

Manning opens up and bares his soul to The Lint Screen.

With the announcement of Peyton Manning’s retirement, The Lint Screen sat down with him for the following exclusive interview.

TLS: Hello, Peyton.
PM: Hi.
TLS: It’s kind of a funny name, ‘Peyton.’
PM: I guess so.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD TWENTY SECONDS OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES.
TLS: So, retirement, huh?
PM: Yes.
TLS: You don’t look that old.
PM: Most mornings, I feel pretty ancient.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT FORTY SECONDS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES AND SHIFTS IN HIS SEAT.
TLS: Do you have a favorite color?
PM: Favorite color?
TLS: Yes. I’m an investigative reporter, and I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions.
PM: You want to know my favorite color?
TLS: Yes, Peyton, I do. I think our readers deserve to know.
PM: Um, blue.
TLS: Blue? Really? Blue?
PM: Yes, blue, I guess.
TLS: Blue is the color of the sky, isn’t it?
PM: Right. Unless it’s cloudy, or nighttime.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT MINUTE AS HE SLAPS HIS KNEE AND SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK IN BOISTEROUS GUFFAWS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES THEN LOOKS CONCERNED. THEN, HE STARES AT THE FLOOR.
TLS: Do you think there’s life after death?
PM: I’m sorry, what was that?
TLS: Life after death, what do you think? Is there or isn’t there?
PM: Uh, sure.
TLS: Fascinating.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD THREE MINUTES OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES. MANNING LOOKS AT HIS IPHONE, DELETES SOME EMAILS, SENDS TEXTS AND BUYS A TEFLON-COATED WAFFLE IRON ON AMAZON.
TLS: Well, I guess we covered it all.
PM: Really? That’s it?
TLS: I think we covered it all. Thanks, Peyton, for being so open and honest for our readers.
PM: Didn’t you want to ask me anything about my football career?
TLS: Football career?
PM: Um, nevermind. Right, this was fun. Thanks.
THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS. MANNING RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND INTO HIS CAR. THE REPORTER DOUBLE CHECKS HIS NOTES AGAIN.