Poor Charlie Brown. He’s lived 68-years as a kid with precious little hair and an obvious growth hormone problem, trapped in an existential hell with a crew of kids who never age and continue to repeat the same mistakes endlessly!

But at least one aspect of his life is about to change–– “Chuck” is getting some hair!

“I’m sick and tired of this crap,” said an irate Brown. “When Charles M. Schulz created me, the lazy slug just gave me a doodle for hair. A doodle! Can you believe the nerve!”

Brown said he has gone through decades of expensive therapy to deal with the issues caused by his lack of hair. He has been seeing the noted psychiatrist Dr. Lucille “Lucy” Van Pelt. “Although she only charges five cents a session, I’ve accumulated well over $300,000 in shrink fees. Of course, it doesn’t do much for my self-confidence when she also repeated promises to hold the football for me to kick, then pulls it away at the last minute. But I keep falling for that crap. What a schmuck!”

“Charlie Brown is a big crybaby,” responded Dr. Van Pelt. “He can bitch all he wants, and I’m not betraying any professional confidences here when I say that the dude is way more than a few bananas short of a bunch! The cat’s totally bonkers!”

She should know.

Charlie Brown says his new hair will give him confidence and boost his fragile self-esteem. “I plan on joining The Hair Club For Men,” said Brown. “I’m getting more plugs than a Super Bowl game, and once my thick bushy head of hair comes in, look out! Ol’ Chuckie Brown’s going to be the man all the ladies want!”

When Brown was told by The Lint Screen that his main crush, The Little Red-Haired Girl, had recently shacked up with Schroeder, his confidence crashed. “Rats! It’s always the musicians, isn’t it? They’re like catnip for hot babes. I guess I’m just a loser, after all. Sigh.”