Archive for April, 2016

Cute girl makes a commitment to a more colorful world.

Cute girl makes a commitment to a more colorful world.

Dorothy Gale is sick and tired of the bleak, drab Kansas landscape, and she’s going to do something about it, The Lint Screen has learned.

In a stunning move, the young orphan announced she wanted some color in her world, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get it.

“I read somewhere that all you have to do is kill a witch, and then it’s all rainbows and emerald cities and stuff,” said the pretty teen as she put a chaw of tobacco into her mouth. “If that’s all it takes, consider it done,” she said spitting a brown stream on to the dreary midwest dirt.

Ms. Gale said she plans to “drive my Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s shack and park it on a witch” as soon as the weather permitted. “It’s getting to be tornado season, and I think I can catch a wave and ride the sombitch right on top some Broom Hilda. Then, bada bing, I’m golden.”

The petite girl twisted open a forty of Olde English 800 Malt Liquor and looked pensively to the foreboding sky. “I’ve got to blow this pop stand soon and find some damn rainbows before I snap and kill everyone I see with a shotgun.” Toto, her adorable dog, yapped and Dorothy kicked him across the field.

“Shut up, you,” she demanded, as she took a long draw on her bottle.

No dice for "The Lint Screen" because the whole thing is rigged.

No dice for “The Lint Screen” because the whole damn thing is rigged and the fix was in.

The world still may not be breathing following the shocking news that The Lint Screen did not receive any 2016 Pulitzer Prize Awards.

“This is almost unconscionable,” said Dr. Lawrence Kidneyworttle, English Department Chairman of The Amazingly Epic Incredible University in Greilickville, Michigan. “I imagine if one had a feather one could knock me over with said feather. I am that shocked The Lint Screen was shunned.” The spry 80-something bald man pulled a pipe from his tweed jacket, plucked some tobacco from his trouser pocket, and began packing a firm bowlful. He started a fire on his office floor with flint, some twigs, and dry leaves. Then, he patiently lit his pipe with a smouldering twig, savoring the smoke like a man who appreciates things like pipe tobacco smoke. He continued in that was of his (you know the way I’m talking about–– his melodic, rich baritone whisper, one that could talk a cat from a tall tree or a suicide jumper into buying him a double bourbon at the bar).

“For almost eight years, I can think of no more august and revered journal of authoritative fact and integrity than The Lint Screen,” the learned man said as a spark from his pipe jumped into his beard and began to smolder. “It is the epitome of high journalistic standards and hardly ever makes boo-boos or boners. And many times, I like the pictures, too.”

The doctor’s beard became a brush fire across his face, and he began flailing his arms and screaming in high-pitched agony. This reporter looked on shaking his head in disbelief–– how could The Lint Screen be ignored yet again?!

Is there no justice in the world?

The office stunk of burning hair and disappointment, as the reporter put on his fedora with the ‘PRESS’ card in it, and left.

What you don’t know about The Masters Golf Tournament could fill a blog post.

What you don’t know about The Masters Golf Tournament could fill a blog post.

When the referee blows the whistle and the starting gun is fired tomorrow morning, The 80th Masters Golf Tournament will officially begin. The Lint Screen looks at some little-known tidbits that may make you say, “huh?”
1. The original name of the competition was “The Super Duper Golfing Badass Slugfest Annihilation Smackdown”
2. The winner of the Tournament is awarded a Green Jacket, a tradition began in 1986, following the tradition of awarding the winner a stylish Members Only jacket
3. Augusta National Golf Club used to only have fourteen holes, one of which had an electric windmill (no. 4) and one featuring a large clown face with a mouth that opened and closed to trap golf balls (no. 10)
4. Ray’s Bridge originally had a $2 toll, the tollbooth was removed when back-ups were caused by players who did not have correct change
5. All of the water seen on Augusta National was collected from un-drunk water glasses collected at Cracker Barrels nationwide
6. A four-legged animal has never won a green jacket, or, an adorable green sweater
7. Augusta was the birthplace of The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, who unbelievably, never won a Masters Tournament (but he did wear a cool cape)
8. The greens at Augusta National can be fast or slow, depending on the amount of WD-40 or Velcro
9. Caddies are not allowed to ride Rascals on Augusta National’s pristine grounds, but in Wal-Mart, well, all bets are off
10. Just about every player who has ever won The Masters used a small spherical-shaped object
11. The most memorable Champion’s Dinner happened in 1983 when Stinky “Rotten Teeth” Yarbunger requested cotton candy, funnel cakes, candy apples, and salt water taffy

Enjoy the show!