Fri 29 Apr 2016
Dorothy Gale is sick and tired of the bleak, drab Kansas landscape, and she’s going to do something about it, The Lint Screen has learned.
In a stunning move, the young orphan announced she wanted some color in her world, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
“I read somewhere that all you have to do is kill a witch, and then it’s all rainbows and emerald cities and stuff,” said the pretty teen as she put a chaw of tobacco into her mouth. “If that’s all it takes, consider it done,” she said spitting a brown stream on to the dreary midwest dirt.
Ms. Gale said she plans to “drive my Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s shack and park it on a witch” as soon as the weather permitted. “It’s getting to be tornado season, and I think I can catch a wave and ride the sombitch right on top some Broom Hilda. Then, bada bing, I’m golden.”
The petite girl twisted open a forty of Olde English 800 Malt Liquor and looked pensively to the foreboding sky. “I’ve got to blow this pop stand soon and find some damn rainbows before I snap and kill everyone I see with a shotgun.” Toto, her adorable dog, yapped and Dorothy kicked him across the field.
“Shut up, you,” she demanded, as she took a long draw on her bottle.