Archive for May, 2016

Chillin' with the buzzer.

Chillin’ with the buzzer.

A honeybee today confessed he was not “busy as a bee.” “Really,” the bee continued in his prepared statement. “I’m just not terribly busy. Kind of bored, actually. Been pretty chill.”

And with that, the bee fell asleep.

The world was stunned. Abuzz, even! Up was down, right was left, never would Shania and Mark Twain meet.

Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.

Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.

Dylanistas have rejoiced at the recent news that notebooks of Bob’s working lyrics from his “Blood on The Tracks” days have been discovered and archived in Oklahoma at a cost of an estimated $15-$20 million.

Not bad for a dude from Hibbing, MN.

Now, another Dylan notebook has been found in Woodstock, New York, where the master lived following his motorcycle accident in the summer of 1966.

“This notebook is an incredible discovery,” Dr. Kerry Hubabbabba told The Lint Screen. “It shows Dylan at his most vulnerable–– the reluctant voice of a generation who has both metaphorically and literally crashed on the road. While it may not be some of his best work, it is some of his most curious and thought-provoking. On its pages, we witness an artist obviously in search of something. What exactly? Your guess is as good as mine, maybe better because I have pretty low self-esteem since my divorce.”

Here are some excerpts from the “accidental Dylan” notebook:

ROAD BURNED
“there’s nothing here
I ain’t seen before
cuz nothing matters anymore
I think I’ll go and try to get some sleep
god, my leg burns like hell”

THE CHASE
“don’t tell you don’t think that
things couldn’t be better
we had our time
chasing the big and little hands
round the numbers
they went round an round
wish I had some more pain pills so I could get some damn sleep”

THE DOCTOR
“he comes in
an checks me out
says I’m doin well
well that I doubt
feel like hell
write me some scripts now
you damn white coat bastard you
so pain pill’s will release me
from something or other
some word that may or may not rhyme”

NO SLEEP
“four twenty-two A.M.
the clock announces
my eyelids are flappin
mouth’s yawnin exhausted
no coal in the engine
but still I can’t stop
wish had more pills
pills I could pop
crap–– think I mighta busted my shoulder too!”

I HATE MOTORCYCLES
“two wheels
tryin to kill
never gonna saddle
feel your thrills
pills are kickin in
pretty unicorns fly
got dragon airlift
take you up in the sky
rainbows and magic will be something nice to have
wonder if there’s any roast beef left
could use a sandwich
I’m starved dammit
hope Sara got something at the store
are we out of mayo?
I wonder”

For the time being, Dylan’s “Accidental Notebook” is being housed Earl’s Ace Hardware in Woodstock, by the cash register.

Who needs lime?

Who needs lime?

The beer battles are on!

Following the announcement that number one domestic beer Budweiser will be changing its name to “America” on packaging, the number one Mexican beer Corona today unveiled plans to change its name to U.S.A.

“We are not going to be out-patriotized by a Belgium-owned brewer,” Corona spokesperson Margarita Diaz told The Lint Screen. “We are even going to promote serving bottles of U.S.A. with slices of apple because apples are what’s used to make mom’s apple freaking pie! Bam, Bud! Bam!”

When asked for a comment, a spokesman for Budweiser said, “Corona’s obviously desperate. What a pathetic gimmicky stunt. It cheapens their brand. They better sell what they can while they can because after we get our new wall built, they won’t even be able to get into America, the country–– not the beer.”

Pabst Blue Ribbon is still Pabst Blue Ribbon.

'lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!

‘lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!

The Lint Screen has learned that the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, has decided to enter the United States Presidential race.

“The Glorious One will annihilate the other candidates,” said Dennis Rodman, official spokesperson for the North Korean leader. “The man is a god; he once shot sixteen playing eighteen holes at Augusta National. He hit a baseball 6,988 miles. He scored over 30,800 points playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. He would win the Kentucky Derby with a horse on his back. The Amazing One cannot and will not be defeated in any contest!”

Asked if Kim Jong-un would be running as a Democrat, Republican or Independent, Mr. Rodman raised his eyebrows and said, “He’ll run as the next President, and once in office, he’ll attack America if it does not do his will. Dude plays for keeps.”

No bumper stickers or yard signs are available yet.