Archive for August, 2016

Weiner is put on ice.

Weiner is put on ice.

Anthony Weiner’s in the doghouse. Again.

He’s in Dutch with the ol’ ball and chain for sexting. The 147th time he’s been caught. Wha-wha-wha!!!

His wife, Huma Abedin, an aide to Hillary Clinton, has snatched his iPhone from his horny little hands after Weiner was caught sexting another woman.

“I’ve about had it with him,” Abedin told The Lint Screen. “In fact, today I called Tim Cook at Apple and told him to begin development on an anti-Weiner software update for all iPhones. My husband must be stopped. Now! Anthony seems to have a bit of a problem, and if technology can’t solve it, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I tried getting him to play Candy Crush, and all he did was take crotch shots and send them to I-don’t-know-where!”

“I guess I’m a rascal,” Weiner confessed. He smiled and looked down at his feet, at least that’s where this reporter thought he was looking.

Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.

Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.

Following its fiasco of falsifying diesel emissions tests in America and Europe, Volkswagen has found a juicy beefsteak to place on its black eye–– enlisting Ryan Lochte, Olympic medal-winning swimmer as its spokesperson.

“Ryan will bring gold back to our tarnished reputation,” Sandy Berstendt, Sr. Director of Public Relations for Volkswagen told The Lint Screen. “When you have a bit of a goof up, it can cost you. In our case, over $87 billion. But more costly than the money is the potential damage it could do to our good name. Ryan Lochte will help us get that back!”

Lochte, a physically fit athlete known for getting wet, will be featured in a new advertising campaign for Volkswagen depicting the gentleness of the cars are at the pump.

“Ryan has integrity and character,” Berstendt said, “and his likability is just infectious. Like a parasite or something burrowing into your marrow. He has a genuine authenticity. When Ryan Lochte speaks, it’s gospel, and we think when he speaks on behalf of our brand, one plus one will equal six! And we believe that’s a winning formula.”

There is no word on when the new campaign will break, or if the VW products will feature their mileage claims.

Clown appears joyous, but it's all a lie!

Clown appears joyous, but it’s all a big, fat lie!

Over the years, Bubbles the Clown has made thousands laugh with his wacky antics and silly hijinks working for Majorie, Kane & Cooper Circus. On the surface, Bubbles appears to be the funniest creature on Earth.

But, the Clown recently admitted to The Lint Screen that it is all a lie!

“I’m a fake,” the despondent man in greasepaint said, pouring himself a rye whiskey neat. “I may have a smile painted on my kisser, but I’m not happy. Not by a longshot, no siree!”

In fact, Bubbles admitted he sometimes gets “lower than whale turds” after he sees the TV news or reads the newspaper. “It’s all so depressing, so futile. We’re just zombie-walking through an existential hellscape until we drop dead and become worm chow. I mean, really, what’s it all mean? What’s it all matter? I don’t know.”

The clown said he gets little enjoyment from making others smile and laugh. “I know that I should, but I honestly think I’m just helping people avoid the ugly truth of life’s constant struggle and endless swamps of pain, misery and suffering. Last week, I was telling a six-year-old my philosophy of life, and the kid’s parents got upset and reported me to management. Then, the boss threatened me. He said to keep my fat yap shut or he’d send my size 68-wides walking to the unemployment line. So, I straightened up and flew right. I know where my bread’s buttered.”

Bubbles poured the last of his whiskey down his gullet and flung the empty bottle against a brick wall. “The sound of breaking glass does make me kind of happy,” he said. Then he smiled at this reporter and said, “Hey, want to pull my finger and see what happens?”

The naturally inquisitive reporter did pull his finger.

Apparently, the clown suffers from extreme gastrointestinal troubles. No wonder he’s sad.

"Who needs medals when it's your life on the line?"

Who needs medals when it’s your life on the line?”

Making lemonade out of its piss poor performance, The International Olympics Committee has decided to officially punt on branding these games as The 2016 Summer Olympics. Instead, it will be known as “2016 Survivor: Rio Edition.”

“It was just getting ridiculous,” Thomas Bach, President of the IOC told The Lint Screen. “Rio is hopelessly behind in preparations. Everywhere you turn, it’s one catastrophe after another. Filthy polluted water, unfinished facilities, diseases, bacteria, wads of gum on the sidewalks, fires, floaters in pools, leprosy, kidnapping, shootings, Zika skeeters smoking cigarettes and snorting cocaine. I’m telling you, it was ugly–– an impending hellhole of a doom show. We feared for all the athletes coming here, not that we care all that much. I mean, we got our sponsorship money,” the bigwig said flashing a smile of gold capped teeth encrusted with diamonds. He continued.

“But then, one of our guys got the bright idea we should just make the whole experience a reality show. So, we contacted the Survivor people and they were on board after we milked them for a hefty endorsement fee. Now we’ve got a reality show to rival this ‘Make Me The President!’ show the Democrats and Republicans are airing. Look, these athletes we have are buff, hot, and ready to play for keeps. Who needs medals when it’s your life on the line? Then, there’s the danger for people who are coming to be spectators. What are they going to do when they become the hunted, dodging javelins and what-have-you? Oh, it’s going to be a hell of a show. Commercial time’s selling like crazy.”

And so, millions and maybe even billions of people are expected to be tuning in to “Survivor: Rio” starting on August 5.