Over the years, Bubbles the Clown has made thousands laugh with his wacky antics and silly hijinks working for Majorie, Kane & Cooper Circus. On the surface, Bubbles appears to be the funniest creature on Earth.

But, the Clown recently admitted to The Lint Screen that it is all a lie!

“I’m a fake,” the despondent man in greasepaint said, pouring himself a rye whiskey neat. “I may have a smile painted on my kisser, but I’m not happy. Not by a longshot, no siree!”

In fact, Bubbles admitted he sometimes gets “lower than whale turds” after he sees the TV news or reads the newspaper. “It’s all so depressing, so futile. We’re just zombie-walking through an existential hellscape until we drop dead and become worm chow. I mean, really, what’s it all mean? What’s it all matter? I don’t know.”

The clown said he gets little enjoyment from making others smile and laugh. “I know that I should, but I honestly think I’m just helping people avoid the ugly truth of life’s constant struggle and endless swamps of pain, misery and suffering. Last week, I was telling a six-year-old my philosophy of life, and the kid’s parents got upset and reported me to management. Then, the boss threatened me. He said to keep my fat yap shut or he’d send my size 68-wides walking to the unemployment line. So, I straightened up and flew right. I know where my bread’s buttered.”

Bubbles poured the last of his whiskey down his gullet and flung the empty bottle against a brick wall. “The sound of breaking glass does make me kind of happy,” he said. Then he smiled at this reporter and said, “Hey, want to pull my finger and see what happens?”

The naturally inquisitive reporter did pull his finger.

Apparently, the clown suffers from extreme gastrointestinal troubles. No wonder he’s sad.