The TSA promises to get "more intimate" with screenings.

The TSA promises to get “more intimate” with screenings.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) wants to curry favor with the American public, and is taking drastic measures to gain popularity.

Wayne K. Lundersom, the Sec. of the TSA told The Lint Screen the exciting new services the security organization will be offering the air traveling public effective October 1.

“We’re sick and tired of hearing people complain about our pat-downs,” Lundersom said. “So now, we’re going to offer premium services that will provide something the average traveler may have never experienced before–– a truly intimate connection with our agents.”

Lundersom explained that all major airports would have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat,” a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, mood lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.

“It will be the most relaxing, enthralling, stimulating experience that the TSA has ever offered, and we’re sure it’s going to be very popular with Joe and Jane public,” the portly security officer said with a wide grin. “We’re doing away with the latex gloves on our Personal Pat-Pats so we can go skin-on-skin and make a deeper connection with passengers.”

But the TSA isn’t stopping there! “We’ll also have the option for folks to enjoy a special Psychic Screening for just $18,” Lundersom said. “Rather than go through an X-ray machine, the traveler will be submitted to an inspection performed by a psychic who can instantly determine if the flier is a terrorist or a psychotic who will pose a threat to the flight. This Psychic Screening is much less evasive than our traditional screening methods, and won’t destroy an inspectee’s brain, internal organs or reproductive capabilities. That’s worth at least $18!”

Another new premium service is the optional “Future Forecasting” that utilizes trained palm readers. “Our research shows people have a high level of anxiety when traveling,” Lundersom said. “For only $12, we’ll have a trained professional who’ll examine a passenger’s hand and tell them whether or not they’re about to board a plane destined to crash. I know I’d want to know! For us, it’s all about providing the flying public enhanced peace of mind and security.”

Lundersom also said that the TSA will have machines selling flight insurance to passengers. “We want to cover all the bases,” he said with a wink. “And insurance lets you relax and calm down knowing you’ll be leaving behind a pile of money for loved ones. We are keen on all these innovative services we’ll soon be offering!”

Up, up, and away!