They say horrible news travels in threes.

1. Hiddleswift de-couple
2. Brangelina now kaputski
3. God only knows!

The entire planet mourns as it learns that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s dream “it” couple, leaving the world’s population of 7.4 billion people in the lurch.

“I’m just heartbroken,” a weepy Clarice Winstonfork of Towson, Maryland, told The Lint Screen. “Waking up every day knowing that Brad loved Angie and she loved him gave my life purpose, a reason for being. Now? Who knows? I just feel empty. I may be in bed all day tomorrow.”

Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”

Brittany Jawson, an accountant in London, is also upset by the news. “I’m gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked to hear Brangelina is no more. I was terribly shaken by Hiddleswift, and now this? It has me searching the skies for four horsemen. This must be a sign of some kind and not a good one.”

Dr. Xun Mei Rou, a pediatrician in Guangzhou, China, is also rattled by the split. “I look into the innocent eyes of children and I have to fight the urge to shake them and tell them not to grow up because there is no such thing as true love. It didn’t happen for Brad and Jen, and now it won’t happen for Brad and Angelina. When I heard the news, I guess I overreacted a little. I had to be restrained while the jaws of life were used to remove a four-year-old girl from my hands. I apologized to the parents, but I’m not sure they understood what I’ve been going through.”

Meanwhile, some way, we will all somehow make it through our days. Our long, miserable, sad, pathetic tear-drenched days.