Archive for November, 2016

Zuckerberg to 'dream the impossible dream' and clean-up fake news on Facebook

Zuckerberg pledges to ‘dream the impossible dream’ and clean-up fake news on Facebook

Today, Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed that the popular site he founded would immediately eliminate any ‘fake news’ posted in its digital space.

Zuckerberg made the announcement immediately following his solo performance of Man of La Mancha at The Kennedy Center. He played to a packed house of unicorn farmers who are divorced from albino spouses.

“I am saddened to hear that jokers are posting alleged news on the site I invented in 1988 when I was four-years-old and bored with Sesame Street,” an emotional Zuckerberg told The Lint Screen.

“It’s been brought to my attention that during the election season, some questionable stories were posted on Facebook that may have been damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. And while we may never know if she and her husband actually did assist in the Kennedy assassination, or if they are really aliens from a distant socialist universe bent on destroying life on Earth and making it less great, we do have to slow down and ask for news stories to be vetted a little better.”

The multi-billionaire is serious about restoring 100% accuracy to the news posted on Facebook. “We believe the internet needs to maintain its sterling reputation for only containing true and dependable information,” Zuckerberg said, as he dipped his hand into a bucket of electric eels and snatched one. He proceeded to gobble the eel in three bites and swallow it as his throat and belly lit up like a Christmas tree. He thrust out his chest and declared–– “I pledge that Facebook users can rely on our journalistic standards, and, we will “Like” all stories posted! Psychologists have proven that Facebook Likes are more satisfying than nutrition, dopamine or sexual encounters. Facebook Likes are sustenance for the soul!”

Zuckerberg then commanded his Uber app to bring him an elephant dressed as a mouse for his ride home.

Reading public, it looks like you may continue your iron-clad trust of Facebook news!

The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!

After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.

“Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.

“And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”

There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.

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Staring at a decorative platter is as close as most people will get to turkey this Thanksgiving.

Now that the dust has settled over the 2016 presidential election, it appears a wounded nation will not heal quickly as President Obama has officially canceled the traditional Thanksgiving holiday for all Americans.

The president’s statement declared: “If a lot of folks are going to be sad and crying in their mashed potatoes, or gloating, finger waving and name calling, then we can’t have nice things like delicious turkey dinners with pumpkin pie and whipped cream.”

An anonymous White House source told The Lint Screen that the president canceled Thanksgiving over growing concerns for the health of the nation.

“Most families have members with differing political points of view,” the source said. “Even ordinary Thanksgiving gatherings present the potential for trouble. But after this election, emotional instability is sky high. And with more guns in the country than citizens, well, you have the real potential for a bloodbath of Biblical proportions. The president didn’t have any choice in the matter. It’s sad, but what are you going to do?”

Lobbyists for liquor manufacturers are livid over Obama’s decision. “He’s trying to kill our business,” said Greg Herpesall, a lobbyist for Diageo. “Families consume ten times as much liquor when they gather with family, now what are they supposed to do? Sit around, sing kumbaya and be sober? Stupid nanny state!”

But there is a silver lining as result of the Thanksgiving cancelation: Butterball has set up a counseling helpline for those people jonesing for turkey. Rates are $2.99 per minute and $10.99 a minute for turkey calls with no dressing.

A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.

A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.

The citizens of the United States of America are electing a new leader on Tuesday, November 8, and that has many of them fearful.

“I’m worried about depression,” said Melissa Redburney, “Not an economic one, but the sad boo-hoo-hoo kind.”

Indeed! The Lint Screen spoke with noted psychologist Dr. Samuel Hummtin. “The problem is Americans are by nature a competitive people, and as such, they enjoy the spirit of good sportsmanship. The idea that citizens only get a 600-700 days election cycle is troubling. That’s a mere two billion dollars in advertising and trillions of dollars in media exposure time! Speaking as a professional, people always crumble and go bonkers when they have to make snap judgments and decisions.”

Boston native Pete Cookerd is already shaken. “I’ll vote on Tuesday, but honestly, I’m going to have a hard time deciding. Who is Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? I wish they’d advertise, or the media would focus on them a little. They’re like a couple of strangers to me. I may be in the election booth for hours–– flipping coins, playing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.”

Of course, the most troubling thing is what happens on November 9. “I already have a booked calendar for people desperate and anxious for a new election cycle to begin,” said Dr. Hummtin as he lit his pipe, stroked his beard, and wagged his finger. “Let’s face it, 2020 will be here before you know it, and people will once again feel they are under-exposed to the candidates.”