Sun 20 Nov 2016
Today, Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed that the popular site he founded would immediately eliminate any ‘fake news’ posted in its digital space.
Zuckerberg made the announcement immediately following his solo performance of Man of La Mancha at The Kennedy Center. He played to a packed house of unicorn farmers who are divorced from albino spouses.
“I am saddened to hear that jokers are posting alleged news on the site I invented in 1988 when I was four-years-old and bored with Sesame Street,” an emotional Zuckerberg told The Lint Screen.
“It’s been brought to my attention that during the election season, some questionable stories were posted on Facebook that may have been damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. And while we may never know if she and her husband actually did assist in the Kennedy assassination, or if they are really aliens from a distant socialist universe bent on destroying life on Earth and making it less great, we do have to slow down and ask for news stories to be vetted a little better.”
The multi-billionaire is serious about restoring 100% accuracy to the news posted on Facebook. “We believe the internet needs to maintain its sterling reputation for only containing true and dependable information,” Zuckerberg said, as he dipped his hand into a bucket of electric eels and snatched one. He proceeded to gobble the eel in three bites and swallow it as his throat and belly lit up like a Christmas tree. He thrust out his chest and declared–– “I pledge that Facebook users can rely on our journalistic standards, and, we will “Like” all stories posted! Psychologists have proven that Facebook Likes are more satisfying than nutrition, dopamine or sexual encounters. Facebook Likes are sustenance for the soul!”
Zuckerberg then commanded his Uber app to bring him an elephant dressed as a mouse for his ride home.
Reading public, it looks like you may continue your iron-clad trust of Facebook news!