width=

Staring at a decorative platter is as close as most people will get to turkey this Thanksgiving.

Now that the dust has settled over the 2016 presidential election, it appears a wounded nation will not heal quickly as President Obama has officially canceled the traditional Thanksgiving holiday for all Americans.

The president’s statement declared: “If a lot of folks are going to be sad and crying in their mashed potatoes, or gloating, finger waving and name calling, then we can’t have nice things like delicious turkey dinners with pumpkin pie and whipped cream.”

An anonymous White House source told The Lint Screen that the president canceled Thanksgiving over growing concerns for the health of the nation.

“Most families have members with differing political points of view,” the source said. “Even ordinary Thanksgiving gatherings present the potential for trouble. But after this election, emotional instability is sky high. And with more guns in the country than citizens, well, you have the real potential for a bloodbath of Biblical proportions. The president didn’t have any choice in the matter. It’s sad, but what are you going to do?”

Lobbyists for liquor manufacturers are livid over Obama’s decision. “He’s trying to kill our business,” said Greg Herpesall, a lobbyist for Diageo. “Families consume ten times as much liquor when they gather with family, now what are they supposed to do? Sit around, sing kumbaya and be sober? Stupid nanny state!”

But there is a silver lining as result of the Thanksgiving cancelation: Butterball has set up a counseling helpline for those people jonesing for turkey. Rates are $2.99 per minute and $10.99 a minute for turkey calls with no dressing.