Archive for December, 2016

Old man 2016 is trying to stretch the clock!

Talk about overstaying your welcome–– the year 2016 has officially filed with the universe for an extension. The formal request states that 2016 would serve all of 2017’s term, then retire and allow 2018 to serve.

“If this extension is granted,” said a universe representative, “it would be unprecedented. The only other known extension request was made by the year 1347 on the grounds that it was on roll with its deadly bubonic plague, having killed a third of the world’s population and wishing to finish the job. The request was denied and 1348 was granted a year of life. 1347 crawled off into the corner, and rats ate it.”

The world’s population is spitting angry about 2016’s extension request. “This damn year has to go away,” said Charlie McIntreely of Naperville, Illinois. “It’s been awful, one of the worst years ever! I mean, except for the Cubbies, but that’s about it. Rest of the year sucked.”

Aunjanue Cancienne of Biarritz, France agrees. “I hate 2016. I’d rather have the bubonic plague than a longer 2016, I think it’d be less painful and I wouldn’t have to throw up in disgust as much.”

And down under, there’s also an undercurrent of anger. “It’d be bloody awful if 2016 continued past December 31,” Malcolm Brindabella of Perth, Australia told The Lint Screen. “I’m pissed. This year can’t be over soon enough. I’d like to get a pillow and snuff this year in its sleep. Die already, 2016! Die!”

Let’s see what the universe decides. Hold off on buying that 2017 calendar just yet…

Santa says he’s had enough of the “being jolly crap.

Christmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!

In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North Pole and declared he would not be traveling this year on Christmas eve delivering presents “to all the good little boys and girls.”

“Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s in it for me? A whole lot of nothing but pain and the potential for food poisoning!”

Santa appears exhausted and upset as he pours himself four fat fingers of Wild Turkey into a crystal tumbler.

“I’ve had a hell of a run, you know,” he said in a silky bourbon baritone. “I’ve listened to millions of spoiled, greedy kids pestering me for toys and whatnot–– like my elves are their personal slaves. I’ve listened to the thankless brats and smiled, but God, I’ve had enough of the this being jolly crap. Parents, you made the monsters, you get them whatever they want from Amazon or wherever and tell ’em it’s from me! Let Jeff Bezos, UPS and FedEx deliver the loot! You think I like smelling reindeer cracks? I’ve had it; I’m done. Me and the misses are Netflix and chillin’. Hey, if I don’t deserve a Christmas break, who the hell does?”

With that, Santa tossed back his tumbler and guzzled his Turkey. He reached for the bottle and poured himself another stiff one. “Merry Christmas, dammit! And to all a goodnight!”

World, be forewarned–– you’re on your own this Christmas.

Geekski Squad spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff gives inside report of new enterprise.

Capitalizing on its success in hacking political email accounts, a new Russian enterprise has been launched in the United States.

Called Geekski Squad, the tech services company will be affiliated with Best Buy stores.

“Are proud to be in U.S.,” company spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff told The Lint Screen. “Believe we offer capitalist citizens best tech services with deep knowledge of hacking and tech. Also offer poisoning service for elimination of enemies. Convenient payment plans available.”

When asked if Geekski Squad will replace Geek Squad, Comrade Kyzmanokoff lit a Sobranie cigarette and spoke in a low measured voice. “Most unfortunate accident have Geek Squad. All people dead. Too bad. New company needed, Best Buy hire Geekski Squad. We also help them sell insurance for products. All good now.” The Russian thrust out his hand and gave a thumbs-up sign as he attempted smiling.

Kyzmanokoff said the company is in the process of reviewing ad agencies to handle its marketing account and looks forward to expanding throughout North America.

Trump Tweet fears are fueling the aggressive social media preparations of world leaders.

Prepare the safe room and stock the bomb shelter, come January 20, you may need to take cover!

With the election of Donald J. Trump as President, the United States faces dangers never before imagined. “It’s going to be a different world,” confessed a Trump insider.

Trump has a reputation for his powerful and deadly Twitter strikes that consume the news media and can send financial markets reeling. World leaders have taken notice and are making significant preparations to ready themselves. A CIA insider spoke to The Lint Screen on the condition of remaining anonymous and receiving a Grande nonfat Starbucks latte and a blueberry scone.

“We’ve been receiving numerous reports globally of actions being taken by bad actors,” the source said. “Ouch, that latte’s scorching. Better let it cool down. Anyway, we’re hearing reports our enemies are taking extreme measures to counteract potential Trump Twitter attacks.”

The tipster said Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaida’s top leader, has recruited a Twitter specialist “known for his razor-sharp wit and nasty aggressiveness.” Likewise, North Korea’s god, Kim Jong-un, has assembled a team of Twitter sharp shooters with thumbs a-blazing. “We’re hearing the Kimster has been blowing smoke about some pre-emptive Twitter strikes against the Donald, but to date, we have no confirmation. If that’s true, it could get real ugly real fast. Potentially we’re looking at the prospect of a Tweet war of biblical proportion.”

Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, is not only bolstering his Twitter capabilities but is also exploring other ‘nuclear’ options. “We have it on good authority that the bearded wonder is exploring an aggressive use of Snapchat and Pinterest, which could be a whole new ballgame. Our country is only now beginning to explore those social media weapons.”

There are no confirmed reports of actions taken by Russia’s boy toy leader, Vladimir Putin, although rumors say his relationship toward the U.S. is softening.

“We’ve heard through back channels there may be an attempt by the Russian Leader to make a Facebook friend request of DJT,” said the CIA source as he attempted a sip of his latte. “Ah, that’s much better. We’re taking a wait and see approach, but a friend request would be huge for the relationship of our countries and could even spur some ‘likes.'”

Even U.S. allies are showing some concern of Trump Twitter strikes. “We have it on good authority that Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel is exploring the use of Instagram in protecting her country’s interests,” the CIA blabbermouth said in his disgusting coffee breath. “Suffice to say, it’s going to be a brave new world come January 20th.”

Indeed it will be.

Student upset by college course seeks help from world, unlimited cell minutes plan comes in handy.

Student upset by college course seeks help from world, her unlimited cell minutes plan comes in handy.

Celia Davendale considers herself a strong person, but she recently claims to have been “decimated in a cruel and sadistic way” by her college professor, Dr. Sheila Felinbrowe, and has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her college.

Ambien University, located in the pastoral setting of central Vermont, is a liberal arts school with a proud reputation for educating free thinking, well-rounded students. “My parents are paying like $60,000 a year to send me here,” a distraught Ms. Davendale told The Lint Screen. “They are not paying for teachers to terrorize me and make as me anxious as a cat in the middle of the ocean.”

The incident that traumatized the 21-year-old Junior majoring in “Rational Reasoning In Children’s Literature” occurred on November 28 in her “Philosophical Comprehension Of Main Character Motivations And Psychological Underpinnings II” class taught by Dr. Felinbrowe. The tenured professor recounts what happened.

“My lecture that day was on Humpty Dumpty, a popular character with many young readers. I’ve written papers on him, so I know the source material well. I began the class by reading from the original text, and when I got to the section about Humpty Dumpty having a great fall, Celia became apoplectic. She began shouting at me, ‘How could you?! Did he die? Oh, my God, he was an egg! A big egg, it had to have an ugly ending!’ She threw her chair at me and ran out of the classroom sobbing uncontrollably. I was stunned.”

Ms. Davendale immediately contacted an attorney and filed a lawsuit against the University for employing a professor “who endangered my life and mental well-being.”

The student spoke between sobs, “A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort. The fact that Professor Felinbrowe began a lecture about violence without any trigger warnings is absolutely unconscionable. It’s like going to the animal shelter and being forced to watch some maniac kill innocent puppies and kittens. It’s not right!”

The student has undergone counseling to help her get through this rough patch, and Prof. Felinbrowe has been suspended until the court case is resolved. There are no reports from the hospital caring for the injured Mr. Dumpty.