Archive for January, 2017

An upset Bat Boy rails against the evils of fake news!

Bat Boy, the sensation discovered by the “Poo-Litzer Prize” winning WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has surfaced again and is making headlines with his tirades against fake news.

“I’ve had it,” an irate Bat Boy told The Lint Screen. “Reporters must uphold the highest degree of journalistic standards, or we are little more than knuckle-dragging apes searching for scraps of informational nourishment. We need a viable and vibrant fifth estate for this sacred duty, and if the integrity of the institution is questionable, well, I fear for humanity.”

Bat Boy suddenly lunged forward and drove his sharp fangs deep into the throat of this reporter, who began bleeding profusely.

“Don’t be such a baby,” Bat Boy said. “Get up, tie a tourniquet around your neck and write your damn story. You’re on deadline, man–– you’ve got a job to do. Now go.”

Here’s your story, people, I hope you’re happy. And let’s keep fake news out of the news.

Now, I think I’ll pass out…

Cool cat to crush it on Facebook, wants ‘thumbs up’ signs!

Larry Kolirews has always been his own person.

“Don’t run with the herd, that’s my slogan,” the 56-year-old guitarist and lead singer of Air Supply cover band “Free Luv” told The Lint Screen. But now, he’s finally diving into the modern world by joining the social media revolution.

“I just opened my own Facebook account,” Larry said, as he chilled post-concert with a Michelob Ultra and lime. “And I’ve already made an update. I posted, ‘Rock on!’ And guess what? My first post out of the gate got a couple thumbs up signs, which is really good, right? I’m killing it.”

He laughed and brushed back his hair, then he slowly drew on his vape and exhaled a billow of minty smoke.

The mellow rocker said he resisted joining social media until he was sure it was here to stay. “I’m not one to go out on the ledge, I like to wade my way into the deep waters before jumping in all willy-nilly.”

Larry says that he’s excited about the potential of his Facebook account. “I’m making all kinds of friends with people I went to high school with. I think I may see if I can change some of their political opinions or religious views. It seems like that’s what friends should do, and I came to play in the social media world, baby!”

Welcome, Larry. A big thumb up to you!

Congressional members dealt themselves a winning hand–– immunity from laws of the land!

After yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.

The majority voted itself some sweet new perks, including a salary increase of $10-million per member with full salary paid post retirement, and immunity from any laws. Plus, free Amazon Prime membership for life, a set of front-loading Kenmore Elite washer and dryer, a $10,000 Starbucks gift card, and a sharpened machete and Uzi “to keep the stinking masses at bay.”

“I think we got what we deserved,” Rep. Frank Tumplake of Nevada told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to be working awfully hard on behalf of our constituents for the next two grueling years, and I believe they’d want us to feel valued and fairly compensated for our efforts.”

Rep. Larry Puppetstrings of Arkansas agrees. “We are dedicated lawmakers and as such, we should be exempt from standing laws. These prohibitive measures will put a crimp on our ability to act in the best interests of the people. How can we protect their rights if we have no rights of our own because a bunch of restrictive laws get in the way of us doing our jobs? It’s imperative we operate above the law!”

The Congressional legislation, known as the “Let’s Get It While We Can And No One’s Looking” bill, easily passed on its first ballot.