Thu 2 Feb 2017
There’s a critter who is hating the sun today.
Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who has his own holiday and movie, saw his shadow this morning when he exited his burrow in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Tradition says that his shadow sighting foretells six more weeks of winter weather for our nation.
“This will not stand,” said Craig Pewinstar, a local electrician. “I’ve had enough winter weather, and I don’t see why we should be bullied by a chubby rat-like creature. As an American, I’ve got my rights, and I don’t want any more winter! Bring on spring! Make America warm again.”
Pewinstar began recruiting more people to his cause against Punxsutawney Phil, and soon an angry mob formed demanding the famous groundhog be put to death. Judge Samuel Wilkins, who said he was tired of shoveling snow, pounded his gavel and sentenced Punxsutawney Phil to be executed at sunset.
“It’s very unfortunate,” local resident Yancy Hawroot told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think poor Phil read the anger of many Americans. He miscalculated, and the consequences could be tragic.”
Hawroot leaped into action and called the ACLU and PETA to help save the pitiful groundhog. While representatives say they are on their way to plead Punxsutawney Phil’s case, there is no word yet if he will receive a stay of execution. “My hope is that cooler heads will prevail,” Hawroot said. “Or, maybe we can get Phil to disavow his shadow sighting.”
Craig Pewinstar broke a bottle and brandished it at Hawroot. “Good luck with that, snowflake! That warthog’s pushed us around long enough, and we’re finally going to get some damn justice!”
Pewinstar was restrained.