Archive for March, 2017

Sexy new tech anticipates danger and douses itself!

Yesterday, Samsung officially unveiled its latest smartphone, the Galaxy S8, and it’s a corker!

Following the embarrassment of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s tendency to catch fire, the latest model addresses that possibility in an ingenious way. “It self-extinguishes,” beamed lead product designer Ramsey Leirom.

The tech wizard told The Lint Screen the thinking behind the new phone.

“The previous model would occasionally burst into flames, which, after doing some extensive consumer testing, we found was an issue for many people. Apparently getting burned was a problem, so we had to address that. We explored selling a companion asbestos glove for the S8, and then we found out there are a lot of bothersome environmental regulations restricting the use of asbestos. That was a nonstarter! So, we designed a self-extinguishing feature. When the S8 ignites, it’s able to douse itself, putting the fire out and leaving a user’s hand virtually unburned. We also incorporated technology that instantly triggers a call to the local fire department in case they’re needed. We believe this radical new phone technology will sell like crazy–– or, as our launch ad campaign says, ‘They’re selling like hotcakes!’ That’s very clever, right! Hot-cakes!”

Right!

The doctor will see America now!

As Republican members of Congress scramble to try and save their health care bill called the American Health Care Act, it looks dead on arrival.

But, it’s not over yet, The Lint Screen has learned.

After conferring behind closed doors, Speaker of The House Paul Ryan introduced new legislation called “The Tremendous Healthcare Plan For All Americans Act.”

The bill promises all Americans “terrific healthcare and medical attention second to none. The best!” In the plan, the entire country will receive all its healthcare provided by President Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

“We heard America loud and clear,” said Speaker Ryan. “Americans want tremendous coverage and low costs. And with our new and improved plan, they’ll get it! By centralizing all medical procedures with one high-skilled, first-rate expert physician, we’ll be able to deliver consistent healthcare to every citizen in an efficient and affordable manner.”

The Speaker smiled and said he had to rush to the Congressional floor to lead the voting on the new proposed legislation.

You’re all better now, America!

There’s no softball questions from our hardball reporters!

The editorial board of The Lint Screen has compiled a list of probing questions for Supreme Court Justice nominee Judge Neil Gorsuch and submitted it to the grand inquisitors in Washington.

Let’s see if the puppet politicians have enough backbone to ask the important questions that matter to all Americans!

1. “Gorsuch”–– that’s an awfully funny name. Are you related to Al Gore?
2. Bob Marley confessed that he shot the sheriff, but claimed he did not shoot the deputy. Do you believe he was telling the truth?
3. What color are your eyes? And, no look-sees in mirrors, please.
4. Was Diana Ross technically a Supreme, or, in your opinion, was she an entity separate and above The Supremes? Follow up question–– do you honestly believe one cannot hurry love?
5. I’m thinking of a common kitchen appliance, what is it?
6. If two trains leave Chicago, one going east at forty miles an hour and the other going south at the speed of light, do you know where I put my dry cleaner claim ticket from Monday?
7. Do you look good in black? How might you accessorize your robe?
8. Do you think it’s Constitutionally right that contestants on Jeopardy must answer in the form of a question?
9. How will you avoid being too judgemental in your job?

And, scene!

Cemetaries are hotbeds of protest against the denial of their voices being heard.

The dead are not lying down on their rights as Americans!

After the 2016 election fraud, politicians are vowing to clamp down on voter fraud that they say cheated President Trump out of millions of votes. One of the key claims is that dead people are enrolled as registered voters.

“Of course they are,” said Atty. Michael Fitslicka, representing the Concerned Dead Peoples Association (CDPA). “They paid taxes in life and paid the ultimate taxes in death, so by gumbo, they’ve earned the right to vote in perpetuity. If politicians want their votes, they’re going to have to earn them.”

The CDPA has millions of members. “They’re not all that active, but they are going to be heard on election days,” Atty. Fitslicka told The Lint Screen. “If politicians are serious about earning CDPA votes, I suggest they talk about critical issues like better deathcare and stop building walls and fences around cemeteries to keep them out. They will get to the polls, and they will be heard, of that, you can be sure. Look, they may be dead, but they’re still Americans, by Jiminy!”

Major celebration in headquarters of The Lint Screen

The rock-em, sock-em game of journalism is not for wussies. Now that any numbskull with a smartphone is a media company, the stakes have never been higher for eyeballs.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos bought a vanity press called The Washington Post and that news organization recently announced its bold new slogan, “Democracy Dies in Darkness”.

The New York Times recently broke a campaign with the theme “The Truth Is More Important Now Than Ever.”

With two of the big fish unveiling new campaigns, an anxious world turned to see how The Lint Screen would respond. Would this august and respected online scoop factory flinch, or would it rise with inky fists balled and ready to rumble?

Silly goose–– did you really have to ask?

Today, we proudly announce our new slogan:
“The Lint Screen. Where fake news gets real.”

Check and mate.