January 20, 2017, will go down in history as the date Donald J. Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America, and also “the day more proud Americans assembled to witness a tremendous moment and new chapter in the glorious history of human life on Earth, the absolute best planet in the universe!”

The White House today issued a press release heralding President Trump’s inauguration crowd as being witnessed “by one-in-three Americans live and in-person. An enormous crowd, an incredible crowd that would make your head spin. A mass of humanity that made Woodstock look like a small gathering of friends.”

The release was sent to The Lint Screen and other news sources as “irrefutable proof the fake news sources that reported President Trump’s crowd was not as large as President Obama’s inauguration were dead wrong.”

According to careful scientific analysis of photographs taken of the crowd, the press release states “over 100 million Americans attended President Trump’s inauguration. Easily the largest crowd in history and the vast majority of people had pride swelling in their hearts and patriotic lumps in their throats because our nation would finally have a strong business leader with an excellent brain who would make America great again and build a big, beautiful wall to keep bad hombres out and fantastic paying jobs in and open for U.S. citizens. The country finally had someone in the White House who would act very presidential and start America winning again!”

The press release stated that the Department of Education will issue an edict that all American history books be reprinted and feature the “record-setting Trump Inauguration crowd as historical fact and evidence against all fake news that might report otherwise.”