United Airline spokedsman Max “Biggy” Tempraw says new insurance lets passengers know their flight will “be real good.”

United Airlines has had its share of troubles recently, but the company today announced a proactive measure to “get some positive spin and shut the pieholes of crybabies,” according to Max “Biggy” Tempraw, a spokesman.

The large man told The Lint Screen “the company’s going to play real nice and we’ll be delighted to sell any scared passenger some protection because it’d be a real shame if something terrible happened, you know? But, if you’re astute and pay, you know your flight’s going to be good. Real good.”

“Biggy” smiled, and his front gold-capped tooth reflected the sunlight. “I hope passengers are smart enough to buy themselves some protection. I’d just hate to see something awful transpire on one of our flights. That’d be very unfortunate.”

Mr. Tempraw said the price for insurance “will vary depending on passenger size and ability to be an earner.”