Archive for May, 2017

Recent OSU grads enthralled as they listen to an exceptionally enriching commencement address.

(The following is Patrick Scullin’s commencement address given to the recent graduates of Ohio State University. Enjoy!)

Hello. It is an honor being here today. As I stand up here looking out on this enormous crowd of fresh faces, I’m curious how many are assembled here. There are so many people!

To call you a “crowd” seems imprecise, and today’s world demands precision for success.

Let me count each of you. Please stand still. Please. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen–– forgive me, but I think this will take all day.

Such an incredibly huge crowd!

Speaking of crowds, I will tell you this–– there are a lot of people in the world. I mean, a WHOLE LOT! People of all sizes, shapes, nationalities, colors, and political and religious beliefs.

I’d hate to count all the people in the world. What about you?

Anyone here major in census-taking? Probably not.

And yet, if you or I were to count all the people in the world, we would begin the same way–– one, two, three, so on and so forth.

That’s kind of funny, right? All counting starts the same way. And rest assured, counting all the many people inhabiting Earth would take a long, long, long time. Even if we asked all those people to count off by themselves.

So many people, so little time. Isn’t that the truth?

Anyway, thanks for coming today. I’ve enjoyed our talk, and I’m sure you’ll all do swell in your lives. And I imagine some of you may reproduce and create even more people.

MORE PEOPLE?! Whew! Who will count them?

Well, I see the Dean is holding a loaded gun in my direction, so I guess I’ll wrap this up.

Thanks, and please remember, there’s a lot of people in the world.

Some people speculate the new bill was inspired by Melania Trump’s recent brushing away of President Trump’s hand.

Rep. Emmett Russell III of Alabama has proposed a Congressional bill that would force the First Lady to hold hands with her husband.

H.R. 321, “The Palm-to-Palm Act”, would make it a federal law that America’s First Lady must hold the hand of the President “at his discretion.”

“When a man marries a woman,” Rep. Russell told The Lint Screen, “that is a sacred trust that can never be broken because it’s two people vowing to love one another until death do them part. Which means a woman must do her man’s will when he likes, no matter what, no questions asked. It’s God’s law. And the man, well, he has sacred obligations for his sweetie–– like giving her some nice trinkets, sweet-smelling perfumes, fancy underwear, a Whitman’s Sampler of fine chocolates, or what-have-you on special occasions. That’s what love is, doing good for the goose and good for the gander.”

Rep. Russell said he has been married 39-years “to the same wonderful woman who took my seed and bore my offspring. You can call me an incurable romantic, but I firmly believe a woman needs to stand by her man at all times. And that’s especially true of the First Lady. And with my bill, if she don’t, she’ll be serving time.”

Arkansas actuary was in a huff over his new Chinos.

Brad Palstettler is not usually prone to anger, but he blew a gasket when he looked in the mirror and saw his backside in his new Chinos.

“I don’t have the most athletic body,” the 34-year-old actuary from Pine Bluff, Arkansas told The Lint Screen in an exclusive interview. “But the Chinos I bought at Sears made my butt look huge! I mean, like the backside of a rhino big. Exclamation point.”

Palstettler is a numbers man, so he conducted man-on-the-street interviews by asking people how his butt looked in the Chinos. “I got a few face slaps from women who thought I was being fresh, but, 92% of the people did think my butt looked kind of big. And the 8% who didn’t, well, they weren’t much to look at themselves. So I was 100% sure they weren’t working for me.”

The upset man decided he’d return the Chinos. “Sears is pretty good about returns,” he said. “Long as you have your receipt, it’s usually not a problem. They asked if there was a reason why I was returning them. I said I didn’t like the color. I didn’t need any jazz from the salesperson.”

Mr. Palstettler said he might try shopping Wal-Mart next. “They might have some Chinos that’ll minimize my butt girth. We’ll see. I always say Summertime is chinos-time!”

The president enjoys fun new game he invented and played with his Russian guests.

President Trump is a gracious host–– he invented a new parlor game when he hosted Russian bigwigs last week.

White House officials confirmed with The Lint Screen the president asked Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov, and the U.S. Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, to “Guess our nuclear code.” He reportedly looked in his wallet, took out his “nuclear code cheat sheet” and copied the code on a notepad. “I’m pressing the pen extra hard because I don’t want to forget it,” he told his borscht-breathed guests.

He tore the sheet off the notepad, folded it and held it to his head. “Go on, guess our nuclear code!” Lavrov and Kislyak smiled as they guessed random numbers and letters. “Nope, wrong!” said a delighted Trump. “Try again!”

The Russians continued guessing as the president chided them. “You’re cold as a Ukranian winter, fellas. Keep guessing!” The game continued for twenty minutes.

Finally, Trump tired of his game. “Sorry, guys, but your guesses are getting a little too close for comfort. To keep our nuclear code secret–– because it is secret, very very secret–– fantastically secret nuclear code, I am going to toss this piece of paper in the trash.”

With that, Trump crumpled the sheet into a ball and shot it toward his trash can. “Nothing but net,” he said, pleased he’d made the shot. His Russian guests applauded his incredible basketball skills.

There were another two minutes of breezy conversation, mostly about what a great job the president is doing and the enormity of his inauguration crowds and the Russians left the oval office.

The president then commanded his secretary to bring him a new notepad. “And hurry Becky–– I had a pad on my desk a minute ago. I need to make notes. I’m the president, you know.”

Derek Justice is the leading candidate for top cop post

Now that President Trump has taken out the trash by canning FBI Director James Comey, Washington is abuzz with rumors of his replacement. Sources close to the prez have told The Lint Screen the short list is down to two candidates, and the leader is Derek Justice.

Justice is said to be “ideal, the perfect man for the job,” an anonymous White House insider whispered. “The Attorney General and President have been diligent in finding someone who’ll be independent and enforce the laws of the land. Derek Justice is exactly what his last name suggests–– he’s all about Justice. If selected, all Americans can be confident and sleep well knowing he’ll do an incredible job. He’ll give 110% or better.”

When asked about Mr. Justice’s background and credentials, the source ran outside and hid in the bushes.

Bill O’Reilly is ready for his close-up, and all those beautiful women vying for his attention!

Recently fired hothead ‘no-spinster’ Bill O’Reilly has just been signed by ABC to be “The Bachelor” in the network’s blockbuster show.

“O’Reilly is a hot property,” Frankie Turminder, ABC’s head of programming told The Lint Screen. “With all the scuttlebutt about Bill and the opposite sex, he is natural to be our next Bachelor. If I may get clever for a moment, we believe Bill O’Reilly will quote, make a killing, end quote. You see, that’s a play off the bestselling book series Bill has penned with the word ‘killing’ in their titles. Get it?”

We did. And we contacted Bill O’Reilly himself.

“Listen, pinhead,” he told this reporter. “I’m sick and tired of all these skirts saying I made sexual advances to them. Not true. Complete fabrication. Lies!”

O’Reilly’s face turned red as he began stabbing the air with his index finger and continued. “I want to show everyone that chicks can’t get enough of the Billster. So, I’ve agreed to be The Bachelor, and the world will see what it’s like to be me–– an incredibly handsome, no-B.S. intellectual who every hot mama wants. I’ll prove I’m more than just eye candy for the dames. And when I present my rose to that one lucky broad, you better believe the world will be watching its happiest resident! The one who landed this non-sexist well-mannered bachelor. Now, get out of my face, before I slug you in your stupid pie hole!”

With that, O’Reilly shoved this reporter to the ground, kicked him in the kidney and skull and stormed out of the office.

Watch for Bill O’Reilly on ABC’s The Bachelor!