Archive for July, 2017

Sen. Chuck Schumer announces the Democratic Party’s dynamic new campaign.

Yesterday, the beleaguered Democratic Party unveiled a new rallying cry, and The Lint Screen met with members of Hiley, Musgrove & Binburner, the famed Washington D.C. political marketing group, to discuss the making of the new branding campaign.

“We did extensive focus group testing,” said creative director Chip Musgrove, “and the winning slogan was A better deal. People liked the idea of a better deal for them.”

“It was very scientific,” added senior strategist Tom Hiley. “We asked a wide spectrum of citizens if they would prefer things like a better job, better wages, and a better future. Amazingly, almost a hundred percent of people said they would.”

“Not to be dismissive,” Musgrove said, smiling, “but people who didn’t want those things were obviously brain dead or total idiots. The interesting thing was A better deal tested even better than another proposed line, The absolute best, most tremendous deal ever. Incredible deal. A fabulous deal, believe me! People said that particular line sounded too much like a Republican promise.”

“Those guys are good,” commented Hiley, as he exhaled on his vape (chocolate-peppermint flavored smoke–– delish!).

“We tested hundreds of lines,” said Mark Binburner, senior research director. “Some of those included, We’re not him, Bleed your heart, We’re anything but deplorable, Clintons & Co., Your safe space, We’re gonna make it after all, Where political gets corrected, This donkey can kick, Support Chelsea–– it’s her turn, Bringing sanity to the Thanksgiving table, We embrace collars of every color, Tired of losing & ready to win, Something for everyone, and, Decent people, lousy politicians–– let’s change that, okay?

“We think A better deal will be an incredibly successful rallying cry going forward,” Hiley said. “We don’t know how it can miss–– I mean, it was tested in focus groups.”

“Plus,” added Musgrove, “the new Democratic Party chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, loves it. She thinks it’s perfect, a fresh way of saying we’re all new and improved!”

“Yes, it’s a bold, confident day moving forward,” said Binburner with a broad smile, and two thumbs up.

Proof that mindfulness is no match for irony. No filters, bitches. All natural pain in full color.

I’m taking mindfulness classes. You read right, mindfulness. That’s the big buzzword these days; it’s what all the cool kids are doing.

Mindfulness simply means trying to live in the present moment, enjoying life as it happens without judgment, comparisons, or expectations.

In other words, not allowing fears of the future or regrets of the past wetting the bed of the present.

It’s not as easy as you think. In our age of screens saturation, multitasking mania, and stress-inducing anxiety, most people are frazzled.

Mindfulness classes teach meditation, yoga, and keeping a singular focus on basic things like eating, drinking, nature, body, emotions, life. This past Sunday, we had a mindfulness retreat in Serenbee, Georgia, a beautiful community of tree huggers and simple lifers.

Coincidentally, many episodes of The Walking Dead have been shot around Serenbee. Zombies seem pretty mindful, don’t you think?

It was a silent six-hour retreat. No talking, no phones, no nothing. Just each of us in the class being led in meditations, yoga, contemplations, and lectures.

We broke for lunch and mindfully ate our food. It was an hour break, and our teachers encouraged us to explore the grounds and feast on nature’s wonders. I took the instruction to heart.

I came upon a tree with a couple of wooden rope swings. I sat in one of the swings and immediately had fond memories of my childhood, I used to swing on the large swingset in our backyard. I began swinging (the skill came back to almost immediately, without lessons). Back and forth, back and forth, higher and higher. I was mindfully lost in the moment, swinging on a beautiful summer’s day when at the apex of my backswing…
THE ROPE BROKE, AND EVIL GRAVITY SLAMMED ME TO THE GROUND–– BUT IT WASN’T GROUND–– IT WAS CONCRETE!!! THE HARD KIND!!!

But, I did not swear. I did not say a word. I examined my arm; my forearm was bleeding. I got up, dusted myself off, and trundled to the bathroom and cleaned my wound. I used paper towels to sop the blood and rested my arm on it for an hour or so in the class to stop the bleeding. No bandage necessary.

After class, I showed my teachers the boo-boo and told my tale. They looked worried, probably thinking I was a litigious mook seeking a big payday. I laughed recalling the incident.

It was funny to me then and now. The irony of working to settle the tempest in your mind, finding genuine tranquility and connectedness with the moment, only to have nature show you who’s boss.

Irony 1. Mindfulness 0.

The prez won’t be pushed around.

Tweetstorm to follow.

Here’s what may be on tap for the bigwig talks in Germany!

In an exclusive, The Lint Screen has acquired the list of possible conversation starters President Donald J. Trump will be using for his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit.

1. I won the election in a landslide. Huge victory. Incredible feat. No one expected it. I’m president, and they’re not!
2. Even with my enormous victory, crooked Hillary had over three million fake votes. Even cheating, I still beat her like a drum.
3. My inaugural crowd was massive. Biggest ever.
4. I like Russian dressing. So good for dipping.
5. You don’t get pestered by fake news, right? How do you shut it down?
6. My daughter’s name is Ivanka. That’s Russian, right? Beautiful name for a beautiful woman. It’s not weird to want to marry your own daughter, right?
7. Do you like my tie? The label has my name. Buildings all over the world have my name on them, too.
8. Are you excited about “Game of Thrones” coming back? I am. I have a big screen TV. Huge picture. Incredible picture. I like horses. You like riding horses, right?
9. Could I get your autograph? You give me yours, I’ll give you mine. We can be pen pals.

This adorable meme has changed one man’s world view!

If a picture is worth a thousand words, a meme with three letters may be worth a gazillion!

In a historic first, a meme has completely changed the world political view of a man in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. It happened on a popular social media website called Facebook.

Robert Chesney has been a registered Democrat for 42-years, his Facebook friend, Mitch Questor, is a 41-year registered Republican. “We’ve been debating politics forever,” Chesney told The Lint Screen. “If I lean left, Mitch leans right. We counterbalance each other.”

Not anymore!

On Friday, Chesney posted a message on Facebook that was critical of the Trumpcare legislation being written in the Senate. Upon reading his friend’s post, Questor sprung into action and posted: “You lost snowflake! We won! Get over it!!!” Along with his victory cheer, Questor attached a meme with a laughing cat and the message LOL (pictured above).

SHAZAM–- Chesney’s life was changed!

“Suddenly, I came to embrace Trumpcare,” Chesney said. “I realized we need to cut Medicaid and Medicare and give big tax cuts to the wealthy and medical companies. Then, the free market will take care of unhealthy poor people, children, old people, and soon the economy will trickle down riches for all of us to enjoy. That laughing cat made me see the errors of my ways!”

Questor was happy his laughing cat meme worked. “I may have discovered the secret weapon in bringing our country back together again,” he said. “Social media is a good tool for changing the minds of idiots!”