Archive for August, 2017

Sister Ellen Marie Grace is charged with controlling Trump

The only constant in the Trump White House is constant change.

Recently appointed chief of staff Gen. John Kelly announced today he has a new member on his team, Sister Ellen Marie Grace, a retired 86-year-old Catholic nun from St. Mark’s parish in Baltimore.

“I’ve fought in wars,” Gen. Kelly said, “but I’ve never seen the destruction, carnage, and sheer terror of this presidency. So, I’ve called in the big guns–– Sister Ellen Marie Grace.”

“Donnie is certainly a mischievous scamp,” the nun told The Lint Screen. “He’s a classic attention seeker, acting all high and mighty. If he thinks he can get away with his shenanigans with me around, well, he has another thing coming.”

The good sister has an arsenal of weapons she will deploy if necessary. “I will not tolerate disobedience,” she said. “When Donnie obeys Satan, I will exorcise the demon from him. I have a ruler made from an ancient sequoia tree, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

The nun reaches to her holster, smacks the palm of this reporter’s hand, and returns the ruler into the holster in the blink of an eye. (My palm is still red, the pain throbbing.)

Sister Ellen Marie Grace continued. “I also have a sixteen-ounce blackboard eraser I’ll make him hold in his outstretched sinful hand for hours at a time. That eraser gets awfully heavy over time. If these disciplines don’t work, I will have him kneel on gravel and draw a circle on the bottom of the blackboard. ‘Lil Donnie will place his nose inside the circle as he contemplates his many sins. I’ll wait however long it takes for him to straighten up and fly right!”

The good sister said she will also confiscate his smartphone. “If Donnie thinks he’s going to Twitter with me around, he is sadly mistaken! I’ll beat some shame into him if need be!”

The nun was most recently used as a consultant for interrogation techniques at Gitmo.

An anxious nation waits to see what effect she will have in the current administration.

Nation gets “laff-riot” to boost spirits

No one can accuse Donald J. Trump of not being a great leader. The president announced today that he is appointing a new cabinet member in a newly created government position–– Secretary of Fun!

White House spokesman Cleve Norburton told The Lint Screen the president was taking action to counter the claims of the fake news about Trump’s low approval ratings.

“The president resents the awful lies written about him,” Norburton said. “In the president’s own polling, he found his approval rating is a full one-hundred percent ecstatic support! People think he’s doing a tremendously incredible job of making America great again. But, because he’s concerned some people might actually believe the fake news, he decided the country needed something to cheer them up–– a Secretary of Fun!”

In the new position, Giggles the Clown will raise the nation’s spirits by providing a “laff riot of calamity, mayhem, and wacky hijinks to beat the band.”

“President Trump is known for being a jovial fellow, fostering good cheer and uniting people wherever he goes,” Norburton said. “And Giggles will be an extension of the fun times the president is bringing all Americans.”

There was no background provided on Giggles the Clown, although Norburton swore: “he’s a real hoot.” The spokesman confided, “If that joker asks you to pull his finger, don’t do it!”

World’s greatest doc gives Prez clean bill o’ mental health

As the hub-bub continues over the erratic behavior exhibited during the Trump presidency, some have called into question the mental fitness of the Commander-in-Chief.

“Anyone who says that is crazy,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “We had the world’s greatest doctors, Dr. Harold Bornstein, who happens to also be the President’s personal physician, administer a thorough mental capabilities test. It even had those sexual ink splotchy-things. And the Skipper passed with flying colors.”

Indeed. In the report shared with our editorial staff, the notes of the esteemed physician are glowing.

“President Trump is fitter than a fiddle in every possible way,” Dr. Bronstein wrote. “He is perhaps the greatest physical specimen and mentally superior human being on the planet. He went to excellent schools, got tremendous grades, dated the most beautiful women, lives in wonderful places, and works in the Oval Office. We should all be so crazy!”

The medical report had a picture of a smiling face with LOL! written under it.

The report continued: “Does Donald John Trump have his full mental faculties? Absolutely. Is he out of cuckoo nut-brain? No!!! In my professional opinion, the President is the sanest human ever, without a doubt. And I gave him a lollipop for being such a good boy!”

The prez gives TLS a good verbal licking

Last night, at his pep rally in Phoenix, President Trump told supporters, “Don’t believe the fake media. Everything they say is a lie. Everything! I know. It’s all fake, especially The Lint Screen.”

Trump’s complexion changed from orange to red as he continued.

The Lint Screen has been very unfair to me. Very unfair. Too many people rely on it for their news, well you know what–– they’re dumb. It’s fake. Totally fake news! Believe me!” The crowd erupted in cheers.

“I know some people still think The Lint Screen has quality journalism. That it’s unbiased. Well, they’re wrong! Dead wrong. It’s junk. Trash. If it was printed on paper instead of being online, you wouldn’t even wrap your garbage with it! It’s bad–– very, very bad! Horrible.”

The audience cheered and began a wave as beach balls with swastikas were hit into the air and passed throughout the crowd.

“And that is why The Lint Screen is failing. Failing miserably. Completely tanking. The Lint Screen? Give me a break–– I call it The Loser Screen!”

The crowd stood, applauded wildly and gave high fives as Trump moonwalked across the stage and attempted a split. Secret service agents quickly picked him up and brought him back to the microphone where he continued his pep talk for the next six hours.

McMaster has plans for a pre-emptive nuclear strike on “a clear and present danger to the United States.”

National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster has proposed a nuclear strike target to President Trump, a White House insider told The Lint Screen today.

The anonymous source said the target is the corporate offices of Breitbart News Network in Los Angeles.

“The General believes this organization is a clear and present danger to the United States,” the source said in hushed tones betraying Starbucks Italian Roast. “And although the Breitbart offices are in a major metro area, McMaster feels strongly that any collateral damage will be well worth the benefit received to the nation at large. McMaster said he is trying to avoid a costly war with a first strike.”

The secretive source leaned in and whispered, “The General is adamant the target be destroyed with extreme prejudice, which is pretty ironic if you think about it.”

Coincidentally, recently fired chief strategist Steve Bannon has returned to the helm of Breitbart.

“What a weird co-inky-dink,” said the insider.

There is no report if Trump is taking the General’s military advice.

The new Chief of Staff listens attentively as the skipper speaks about Charlottesville.

Using a new innovative technology, The Lint Screen has developed a device with the ability to read the minds of mortals.

We hacked the skull of General Kelly, the newly-appointed White House Chief of Staff, as he listened to President Trump’s comments on Charlottesville Tuesday. Here is a brief sampling of his thoughts:

“No… no… don’t say that… no… NO!!!…
Good God, what are you doing???
Please, please, please, for once in your life, shut your pie hole!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have any idea what you’re talking about???
Stop, please, stop now, I beg of you…

I blame myself, what kind of an idiot knowingly steps on a land mine? Hell, does a tap dance on a land mine! What was I thinking accepting this position?

Breathe, John. Breathe! Relax. He has to shut up soon…
No. Nope. No such luck. The man is incapable of silence. Unbelievable.

War–– I need a war to fight to take my mind off this insanity.
A good war would be so nice. War is predictable, rational. War makes sense. I wish I was in a nice war instead of here…

WHAT????!!!
No, no, no, what the hell are you doing???!!!!!!” Stop!

And, scene.