Archive for August, 2017

The chief loves the praise he gets twice a day!

The Lint Screen has an exclusive so hot, you may need solar eclipse glasses and oven mitts to read it.

When it was reported last week that glorious leader Donald Trump receives two folders each day chock-full of good news about the great job he’s doing, our journalistic sleuths went to work.

Below are excerpts of the praise for our tremendous commander-in-chief contained within one of these special folders:

THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THAT MORNING’S ‘FOX & FRIENDS” SHOW, ALONG WITH A PICTURE OF HOSTS STEVE DOOCY, BRIAN KILMEADE, AND AINSLEY EARHARDT GIVING THEIR THUMBS UP, SIGNED WITH THE SALUTATION, “KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, MR. PRESIDENT! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE PROUD TO LIVE IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!”

A LETTER FROM 9-YEAR OLD MATTHEW BUCKSIN OF GASDEN, ALABAMA (WRITTEN IN PENCIL, REPRINTED EXACTLY)––
Dere Prezidant Trump,
I think you are the best prezidant ever!!! Better than Linkon, Washingtun and evryune els.
You are my hero and I am prowd and wuld lik to mete you sum day.
Mak Amerika grat agin!
Sincerlee,
Matt Buckskin
Honore Studant

A SELECTION OF TWEETS:
@deathtoimmigrants
Anyone who doesn’t think Trump will Make America Great Again should be deported–– support our AMAZING PRESIDENT, OR GET THE HELL OUT!!!

@ericthebestson
I sincerely believe Donald J. Trump is the best leader America has ever had and I love him very much. He’s also the greatest businessman and dad ever! I would love to have dinner with him sometime soon. Pleeeeeeeease!!!

@libtardhater
Hey snowflakes… you lost!!! Hillary should be in jail! DJT is in charge, doing an incredible job getting so much done and MAGA!!!

@killthemall
If you talk against Trump, you are unAmerican and should be shot. Free speech! Trump was a TV star, now he’s the star of the world. If he can’t Make America Great Again, nobody can. SUPPORT TRUMP!!!

@whiteasrain
The Donald is going to build that wall and Mexico will pay for it! Bank on it! Trump is a man of his word and if you don’t believe him your (sic) an idiot!!!

@sexyivanka
Donald J. Trump is such a handsome, charismatic, dynamic, energetic, intelligent, and powerful man, America is lucky to have him. Any woman would die to have such an incredible man. MAGA, you babe-magnet you!!!

A PHOTOGRAPH OF A LION KILLING A GAZELLE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I’m a kitten compared to you. President Trump, you are truly the king of the jungle! —-Leo The Lion”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF KIM JONG-UN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I am very afraid of you because you are such a strong leader. Please do not bomb me! –- Kim Jong-Un, The Leader of North Korea”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF A COAL MINER WITH A DIRTY FACE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“Thanks for bringing back more clean coal jobs. You are a man of your word, ALWAYS, and clean coal is the answer to all America’s problems! —-Carl The Coal Miner”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF WARREN BUFFET WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I am angry because I am not as smart and rich as you. You make me very, very jealous! Keep up the fantastic work, Mr. President! –– Warren B., Your #1 Fan”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF SUPERMAN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I wish I was Donald J. Trump. He is the REAL SUPERMAN!”

The rest of the folder included transcripts along with screen captures from the rest of the Fox News schedule of the previous 12-hours.

Does the V.P. have plans to drop the V.?

On Sunday, the failing New York Times reported that Vice President Mike Pence was preparing for a presidential run in 2020, and President Trump was furious at the news report.

“The skipper was mad as a wet rooster in an Ace Hardware,” a White House leaker told The Lint Screen. “Although El Hefe always says ‘fake news,’ the boss man can’t stand the idea of any insubordination. And Pence is such a weasely worm kiss-ass, well, it just might be true.”

And so, the president reportedly has given his number two an opportunity to prove his loyalty.

“The big guy called Pence and told him he needed a show of faith and commitment. He demanded that the veep cut off the pinkie of his right hand, and his wife’s left hand and FedEx both to him,” the anonymous leaking faucet said, as he played with the cuffs of his fancy monogrammed shirt (“JRB” for curious readers).

“The top dog ain’t about to let any mongrel pup get any ideas,” the big mouth said while jiggling with the keys to his Audi 6 (black with tan interior–– the license plate has “451” as three of its digits, but we’ll say no more).

So far, no bloody FedEx deliveries have arrived at Trump’s vacation hotel.

Meanwhile, Jeff Sessions is frantically working to plug leaks in the White House.