On Sunday, the failing New York Times reported that Vice President Mike Pence was preparing for a presidential run in 2020, and President Trump was furious at the news report.

“The skipper was mad as a wet rooster in an Ace Hardware,” a White House leaker told The Lint Screen. “Although El Hefe always says ‘fake news,’ the boss man can’t stand the idea of any insubordination. And Pence is such a weasely worm kiss-ass, well, it just might be true.”

And so, the president reportedly has given his number two an opportunity to prove his loyalty.

“The big guy called Pence and told him he needed a show of faith and commitment. He demanded that the veep cut off the pinkie of his right hand, and his wife’s left hand and FedEx both to him,” the anonymous leaking faucet said, as he played with the cuffs of his fancy monogrammed shirt (“JRB” for curious readers).

“The top dog ain’t about to let any mongrel pup get any ideas,” the big mouth said while jiggling with the keys to his Audi 6 (black with tan interior–– the license plate has “451” as three of its digits, but we’ll say no more).

So far, no bloody FedEx deliveries have arrived at Trump’s vacation hotel.

Meanwhile, Jeff Sessions is frantically working to plug leaks in the White House.