Archive for September, 2017

Trump takes full credit for golf competition lead.

At the end of a typical day, the offices of The Lint Screen are littered with empty bourbon, rye, and gin bottles, overflowing ashtrays, and crumpled fedoras planted with cards reading PRESS.

In this setting, the calm after covering another hurly-burly day of news, our main phone line rang. “Scoop” Jipson answered.

“Yallo,” he barked.
“Is this The Lint Screen?” a familiar voice asked.
“You called on your dime–– what do you think, weisenheimer?”
“Listen up, this is your president, Donald J. Trump!”
“You don’t say…”
“I do say, smart ass, and I’ll have you thrown in prison, beaten and have your tongue yanked out if you don’t show some proper respect immediately.”
“Okay. Why you on the blower to Lint?”
“I want your readers to know that the U.S. golfers are decimating the international team in the Presidents Cup, and it’s all thanks to me.”
“How you figure, champ?”
“Who’s the president? I am.”
“And with my leadership, our golfers are playing better than ever. Leading 8-2 after two rounds. Biggest lead ever. Historic lead. Incredible lead. And no players taking knees. All thanks to me.”
“Yes, really! I saw those bums Clinton, Bush, and Obama at the Presidents Cup on Thursday, smiling and joking, trying to take credit. Very sad.”
“It’s not called the ex-Presidents Cup–– it’s The PRESIDENTS Cup, and I am the President. I won in a landslide, even with twenty million illegal voting for Hillary. I am the President, me! I have business cards, a nameplate on my desk, and the largest inaugural crowd in history to prove it!”
“And how you figure you get the credit for the big lead in a golf tournament?”
“The golfers are playing tremendous golf thanks to me making America great again. Big beautiful wall, miracle middle-class tax cuts, incredible, cheap healthcare for all, clean coal and cheap fuel, huge stock market gains, low unemployment, breaking bad deals, uniting Americans–– a lot of good people on all sides, I’m working on middle east peace, too, and almost got it figured out! So, you see? Life in America has never been better thanks to me. And that makes golfers play better.”
“That’s your story, huh?”
“Absolutely. And, look, although I’m a humble man, I think it’s obvious I am the greatest president America’s ever had, and the performance of our golfers in the Presidents Cup–– MY CUP–– prove that. Believe me.”
“Okay, I guess we’ll do a story.”
“You better. Don’t make me Tweet you…”
“Got it. Done deal.”
“Another deal done, thanks to me. Trump is the best!”

And, dial tone.

Tom Price received special services on private flights.

United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price recently came under attack for taking 26 private jet trips costing over $300,000 at the expense of U.S. taxpayers, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On these same flights, Price demanded Dom Perignon Champagne enemas, six tins of Beluga Sturgeon Caviar, and four cans of Pringle’s Salsa de Chile Habanero Potato Crisps.

“This is absolutely outrageous,” Rep. Gary Blowdenner of Oklahoma bellyached to The Lint Screen. “Why’s this guy demanding fancy flavored Pringle’s? What–– regular Lay’s or Wise Chips aren’t good enough for mister high and mighty? No, apparently he needs his potato snacks to stack all nice and neat! The taxpayers are getting soaked by Price for all his special treatment.” Blowdenner spat on the ground and adjusted his belt before continuing his rant.

“If Price was flying commercial, like Joe and Jane Six Pack, he’d only get a lousy little packet of stale pretzels. His la-di-da behavior is criminal!”

There was no comment from HHS Price’s office. An official statement said he “was in the bathroom.”

Chess players called “pathetic and unpatriotic” by prez.

President Donald J. Trump is on a tear!

First, he picked battles with the NBA, then the NFL, and now he’s hating on The United States Chess Federation.

Trump took to Twitter this morning: “Was told chess players don’t play our National Anthem before games. Disgraceful. Pathetic and unpatriotic. All should be fired IMMEDIATELY!”

Four minutes later, Trump Tweeted again: “Think it’s horrible some chess players use black pieces. Black is evil. Darth Vadar dressed in black. Outlaws in west wore black hats.”

Two minutes later, he sent another Tweet: “Only way to fight evil black is more good guys in white hats with guns. MAGA!”

Following his Tweet tantrum, there was outrage Trump was being racist and promoting violence. “That’s preposterous,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Ben Carson is in President Trump’s cabinet, and he is black.”

Six minutes later, Trump tweeted “Love the blacks.”

The soon-to-be launched iPhone 8 is a throw-back to a simpler time!

The Lint Screen has obtained an actual prototype of the long-anticipated Apple iPhone 8, and it is surprising.

The new phone model reflects a decidedly retro look and feel. “Tim Cook felt the iPhone design was getting stale,” said an anonymous Apple insider. “Tim is looking to finally make his mark on the company Steve Jobs built, and the iPhone 8 represents his brave vision.”

It most certainly does!

The “wireless cell phone” is dubbed “The Brick” by Silicon Valley technocrats. One engineer told TLS, “The Brick was designed to take users back to a simpler time when the country wasn’t so divided and run by maniacs, and Mother Nature didn’t hate humanity with a vengeance. Cook thinks Jobs would love the idea of using technology in service of humanity’s happiness and well-being.”

The iPhone 8 will feature an analog voicemail using “really small cassette tapes that make the user feel like he’s a secret agent!”

Unlike previous iPhones, this model will not have a screen or a camera, or the ability to access the internet.

“It’s a bold move on Apple’s part,” said an industry expert, “but Cook feels strongly that all these technological advances have just made people more depressed when they realize how sucky the news and modern life is. The iPhone 8 will allow users to escape the existential hell of our reality.”

The new iPhone 8 will retail for $1,099, and as the tech expert said, “That’s a small price to pay for sanity.”

Hill tells all, and a nation is gripped.

The Lint Screen has obtained an advance copy of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming book, “What Happened” and proudly presents some choice excerpts.

“Woke up in Burlington, Vermont. We had breakfast at Ed’s Diner. The media coverage was minimal–– a high school newspaper reporter, a ‘shock-jock’ doing a live remote, and a PBS station manager filming with his iPhone. To add insult to injury, my toast was burnt! I was very disappointed, and I know it was Bernie’s fault. Vermont is his country, and I know he has it in for me. Why won’t he drop out? This is my turn!”

“Bernie is promising nothing but candy to voters. I’m giving them straight talk–– a little sugar with a vinegar chaser. People respect that.”

“Big rally in Brooklyn today. Had a great turn out, but the microphone was faulty. I got some audio feedback during my speech. It was very disturbing. The crowd seemed completely captivated with my charismatic articulation and framing of complex policy issues and global leadership strategies, but then there’d be some feedback, and I seemed to lose them a bit. I suspect Donald is behind this. It would be just like him to sabotage me.”

“Attended Iowa State Fair today. I took a big bite of pork sandwich for the classic photo-op, and the meat had gristle. It was very chewy. I smiled through it, but I suspect Bernie had something to do with the incident.”

“Deb (Debbie Wasserman Schultz) suggested on the plane we take a campaign trip to Wisconsin and Michigan next week. I told her there was absolutely no need for that, we have white working people in the bag. I laughed–– they’d never vote for a rich guy like Donald.”

“Did the ‘Ellen’ show today. Put on some dance moves that should seal the deal with the female vote. I’m feeling confident, starting to think about White House decorating ideas. Chintz?”

“Spoke to Chelsea today, she is very excited! She told me to keep my Oval Office chair warm–– she’s starting to plan her run! We’re like royalty!!!”

“Tape released today of Donald saying extremely vulgar things about ‘lady parts.’ Unbelievably crude! This HAS to seal the deal! No woman in her right mind would EVER vote for a creep like him. I thought about canceling the rest of my campaign stops (it’s very tiring), but Bill encouraged me to continue. Who would think Donald is sleazier than Bill, for Pete’s sake?! Amazing!”

And so on, for 512-pages.