Archive for October, 2017

Prez call TLS to discuss his big idea.

President Donald J. Trump recently declared the opioid epidemic a “health emergency.” While this move won’t earmark federal funds for opioid addiction treatments or negotiating lower prices for Naloxone, an opioid overdose drug, he proposed a bigger and bolder idea to nip the problem in the bud.

He called The Lint Screen to discuss his breakthrough, dramatic plan.
TLS: The Lint Screen, where fake news gets real.
DJT: This is the most powerful man in the world.
TLS: Jeff Bezos?
DJT: No, stupid–– President Trump.
TLS: Oh. Have you heard about any Amazon Cyber Monday specials? I was looking for a––
DJT: Shut up. I had a great idea. A big, bold, brilliant, tremendous idea for eliminating opioid addiction.
TLS: Uh huh. What is it?
DJT: Advertising.
TLS: Advertising?
DJT: Advertising. I’ll run an ad campaign telling people not to take opioids. Then, they’ll stop taking opioids and the crisis will be solved. Incredibly smart, right?
TLS: You mean an ad campaign like Nancy Reagan’s Just say no to drugs?
DJT: Just say no to drugs–– hey, that’s good!
TLS: It ran for many years.
DJT: Did it work?
TLS: Well, it ran in the eighties, and I think people are still using drugs, so–
DJT: It failed! Horrible failure. Sad. Awful. Just say no is too wishy-washy. My campaign will be: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! Incredible, right? Powerful.
TLS: I guess so.
DJT: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! will work because it tells you exactly what happens if you disobey my command. You die! That’s on you. Your death is your fault for not listening to your president, who had the largest inauguration crowd ever, and has done more for America in nine months than all other presidents combined. And, who has an amazingly smart brain that he keeps inside his skull because it’s made of bones. Very strong protection, bones.
TLS: Uh huh.
DJT: I did incredibly well in school. Ivy league education. Excellent grades. Wrote very good papers, excellent. Perfect papers. Lots of words, incredible punctuation. The best commas and periods. Got gold stars on my papers. Amazing stars. Shiny, pointy.
TLS: You actually think your Don’t do drugs or you’ll die ad campaign will work?
DJT: Absolutely. One hundred percent. Can’t-miss. It’s a slam dunk. The opioid crisis will be solved in no time. Then we can get on to bigger issues, like Hillary.
TLS: It might be tougher than you think getting people to quit opioids. Maybe it’d be a good idea to give some federal funds for addiction treatment.
DJT: No. You’re wrong. Addicts just need some tough love, some straight talk. They’ll listen and they’ll get off the goof. After they see my ads, they’ll straighten up and fly right.
TLS: Sounds like you’ve got the opioid epidemic all figured out.
DJT: Absolutely. That’s what leaders do–– lead. I’ll stop drugs for once and for all. See, I’m better than Reagan. Way better. Even better than Lincoln, he got shot, you know.
TLS: Was there anything else?
DJT: Yes, I wanted to talk about little rocket man and, hey, there’s a squirrel in that tree–– gotta run!


Look who’s Secretary of State, bitches!

Leave it to this White House to keep things interesting!

In an exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has learned Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will soon be named the new Secretary of State, replacing Rex Tillerson.

A sneaky, loose-lipped White House insider (whose father has run for president) confessed, “President Trump is fed up with Tillerson. After it was reported he called the president a ‘moron’, the president looked that word up in the dictionary and became outraged. Moron is not a complimentary word!”

The leaker continued her confidential disclosure (hint: her father is from Arkansas, plays bass, and has the initials “MH”). “President Trump has lost confidence in Tillerson. He’s old, low energy with no sex appeal, and frankly, has had miserable low ratings. The president wants to take decisive action to correct that. He believes The Situation has the kind of charisma and sexy heat that will get huge ratings and capture the world’s attention. The Situation did great things for the ratings of Jersey Shore, he can do the same for our country–– and that will definitely make America great again.”

Ms. Blabbermouth then disclosed that the president is considering more reality TV stars for his cabinet.”He’s focused on leadership, and thinks a Kardashian, Simon Cowell, Snooki, or Gordon Ramsay could really turbo-boost ratings for this administration and our great nation.”

Stay tuned!

Wayne LaPierre preaches to the heavily armed choir.

In the aftermath of the Las Vegas tragedy, the National Rifle Association is proposing a solution–– more arms, and more firepower!

Yesterday, Wayne LaPierre, Jr., Exec. V.P. of the NRA addressed a national convention of members and said the recent mass murder could have easily been avoided.

“When you have a bad guy with a stockpile of high-powered weapons and ammo, you need some serious firepower,” LaPierre told the capacity crowd. “You can’t bring a handgun to a semiautomatic rifle modified to fire like an automatic weapon fight. That’s just common sense, people! Any idiot knows that.”

LaPierre told his assembly the problem is restrictive guns laws in the United States. “We need the right to bear nuclear arms. It’s what our forefathers would want. Had people in Vegas had some nuclear bombs, they could have easily neutralized the bad guy in no time flat!”

The crowd cheered as LaPierre continued.

“Our weak-kneed politicians need to stand up for our sacred second amendment rights. It’s outrageous that we’re allowing unconstitutional laws to inhibit our right to bear arms–– ALL arms, including nuclear ones. How are you supposed to protect yourself if little rocket man breaks into your house? Write and call your politicians today and demand your God-given rights! We can do this, it’s the logical thing to do.”

In celebration, the crowd raised their handguns into the air and fired them as the reporter from The Lint Screen ran away screaming.

The Skipper finally has a heart-to-heart with his pal.

A three-hour cruise resulted in a never-ending hell for Gilligan, The Skipper, too, the millionaire and his wife, a movie star, the Professor and Mary Ann.

The fateful trip started at a tropic port on April 17, 1967, aboard a tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man, the Skipper brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three-hour tour.

A three-hour tour.

The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Minnow would be lost.

The Minnow would be lost.

The Castaways landed in a tropic island nest. No phones, no lights, no motor cars–– not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, it’s primitive as can be.

And today, after fifty long, excruciatingly painful years, The Skipper finally pulled his first mate aside and told him the truth.

“Gilligan,” he said, “we’re never going to be saved. We’re on an island. It’s surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. Trucks can’t drive here. In short, little buddy, we’re screwed! Totally screwed.”

Gilligan sobbed, and then the brave men drowned their sorrows in coconut liquor.