Archive for November, 2017

Republicans are rallying around new catchier names for their tax plan.

Republicans need a win in Washington, and they are hoping their new tax-cutting legislation is the Hail Mary for victory.

Unfortunately, like their various health care bills, it is not popular with voters. Only 36% of voters approve of giving tax cuts to rich people, golf course owners, and large corporations, while many middle and lower income citizens will pay more in taxes.

“Our legislation gives tax breaks to job creators, and the wealth will trickle down all over commoners,” Georgia Rep. “Skeeter” Wessop told The Lint Screen. “It’s a great plan for stimulating the U.S. economy and should be much more popular with the masses. We obviously have a branding problem.”

The lawmaker continued as he wagged a finger. “The president wanted to call it ‘the Cut Cut Cut Tax Plan,’ but we thought that would be too hard to remember. So we’ve changed it to ‘the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act’ because those are two things that everyone should support. But, apparently that’s not getting enough traction in the marketplace, so we’re spitballing some new names.”

Rep. “Skeeter” showed some of the potential new names.

“The Big Tax Cuts And Better Sex Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuttery Plan.”
“The Massive Tax Cuts & Live A Much Longer Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuts, Etc. Plan.”
“The Huge Tax Cuts & Lose Weight Plan.”
“The ‘I-Can’t-Believe-How-Low-My-Taxes-Are!’ Plan.”
“The Tax Slasher Plan.”
“The Much Lower Taxes & Really High Paying Jobs Plan.”

The congressman swelled with pride. “We think we have some really good names here, and we’re going to take them to focus groups and pick a winner. We’re still waiting to hear back from the Koch Brothers and Mercer family for their favorites.”

Evil is about to get nipped in the ol’ buderooski!

Lamar Dewackle, a Republican Representative from Texas, has had enough of mass shootings in America, and he’s going to do something about it!

Dewackle is proposing a law that would “address a major problem with innovative thinking.” He spoke to The Lint Screen about his revolutionary idea.

“After that awful killing of 26 churchgoers on Sunday, I about had my fill,” the craggy-faced lawmaker said. “There ain’t nothing can be done about mass shootings except nip that problem right square in the bud–– we got to stop evil dead in its tracks!”

To do that, Rep. Dewackle proposes stiff legislation that would make evil a crime. “If we got rid of evil, I believe there’d be no more mass shootings,” the lawmaker said, as he cleaned his AR-15 assault rifle. “Evil ruins everything, this I believe!”

When asked about gun control, the politician bristled. “Gun control is unAmerican. If everyone in that church had been packing, which is why so many states allow guns in church, the death toll would have been much lower. No, guns ain’t the problem here–– evil is the problem. And I aim to get rid of it!”

Dewackle’s bill is expected to receive unanimous approval, proving Washington can indeed take decisive action to solve major problems!