Archive for December, 2017

The CDC feels confident in funding efforts

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta wants their federal budgetary overlords to know they’re serious about getting funding.

CDC officials were recently told to avoid inflammatory language like “science-based,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “vulnerable,” and “entitlement” when submitting 2019 budget initiatives.

“We have some critically important research studies that need funding,” Dr. Samual R. Lorthon, a CDC department head told The Lint Screen. “If it’s simply a matter of changing the language to secure G.O.P. budget approval, then, we’re ready to play ball.”

Dr. Lorthon detailed some of the proposed CDC studies for 2019:

“A Study Linking Crooked Hillary With Causing Deadly Diseases”

“Dealing With Pandemics–– God’s Vengeance to Smite Sinners!”

“The Healthy Americans First Study! Let’s Get Physical”

“Fixing Gastroenteritis: Satan’s Tum-Tum Attack”

“Effects of Nuclear Weapons on Unlucky People After Attacks From Little Rocket Man”

“The No One Knew Healthcare Could Be So Complicated Study”

“Stopping That Doggone Salmonella!”

“Praying Away E-coli”

“How to Make America Great Again With Modern Medicines”

“God Helps Them That Helps Themselves–– Illness is Your Fault, Deal With It And Toughen Up!”

“Research Into No-Collusion Colon Ailments”

“Don’t Like The Private Parts The Good Lord Gave You? Who Do You Think You Are?! Get Happy With The Junk You Got.”

“Exorcising Streptococcus From Thy Body”

Dr. Lorthon said he felt confident the CDC would secure its funding. “If we don’t, there will certainly be some collateral damage. But, if that’s what it takes to weed out our country’s weaker links, so be it! The government can’t be a nanny state.”

Soon, we will all praise his glorious greatness daily.

Following yesterday’s passage of the Republican tax bill, GOP leaders gathered for an impromptu session and praised president Donald J. Trump, who, in his customary shy, humble manner, seemed surprised by their sincere gratitude. The meeting inspired a giddy Paul Ryan to “spitball a great idea.”

Today, Ryan and his merry band of lawmakers will propose new legislation requiring all Americans to recite a Pledge of Allegiance to Donald J. Trump.

“Heck, yeah, what a terrif-a-rooni idea!” agreed vice president Mike Pence.

Mitch McConnell said this new pledge would replace the current Pledge of Allegiance to The Flag. “That thing’s got whiskers,” he told The Lint Screen. “And because our president is so exceptional, and is doing such a tremendous job, it will be mandatory for all citizens to recite The Pledge to him daily, or, face imprisonment or deportation.”

Here is the proposed pledge:

“I pledge allegiance to Donald J. Trump, and to the charisma, big brains, and exquisite leadership for which he stands. He has always put America first, keeping Mexican rapists, Muslim terrorists, and unwanted foreign scum out! Build that wall, build that wall! He won the presidency in a landslide and his inauguration crowd was the largest ever recorded. His incredible accomplishments as a businessman and huge ratings as reality TV star are legendary. He has given Americans the largest tax cut in history. And, he has accomplished more than any president. Suck it Lincoln and Washington! Truly, Donald J. Trump is the greatest president our nation has ever had. He commands one nation under God, indivisible, and he will dispense liberty and justice to those who earn it. No haters, losers or fatties! Thank you, President Trump, for making America great again! Lock her up! Forever and ever, amen.”

The new “Pledge” law is expected to pass. Then, the TRUMP name will be added to the United States of America flag.

Regular Joes are loving their newfound wealth

The Republican Party has come to the rescue of everyday working men and women with its generous tax plan.

“President Trump described this tax plan as a big, beautiful Christmas present,” an elated Eddie Russler told The Lint Screen, “but I think it’s even better than that. It’s like Christmas, your birthday, and winning the lottery all rolled into one!”

To celebrate, Russler has purchased a 2018 BMW 5 Series for $67,345. “I paid sticker price,” the 29-year-old insurance claims adjuster said. “Why haggle when I’m about to get my big payday? Hey, we’ve all got to do our parts to get our economy booming!”

Russler said he is also considering leaving his one-bedroom apartment and buying a mansion. “Nothing too outrageous, you know, something in the 12-15,000-sq. ft. range. With my tax cut, I can swing that, no prob.”

The single man who lives in Naperville, Illinois, earns $51,986 annually and is paying off his student loans of $145,000. “I went to a really good school and got my humanities degree, so it was a great investment.”

“I love the fact that the GOP is looking out for regular folks like me,” he said with a broad smile. “They understand how hard it is to get by, and they’re fixing it by giving us a huge tax cut. And this plan will also turbo boost the economy by giving businesses enormous tax cuts so they can give their people big raises, expand their operations and build more buildings, and hire lots more people. I think pretty soon we’ll all be living on easy street! Take that little rocket man!”

Russler giggled with joy. “And best of all, Donald Trump said the tax plan would actually hurt him and all his rich friends. They were all against it. But doggone it, Trump went ahead and did it because he said it was the right thing to do. It warms my heart to know the rich are sacrificing to benefit little guys like me. That’s what I call true American spirit during Christmas! That’s right, I said it–– we won the war on Christmas! God bless us all, everyone!”

The judge is not taking his loss sitting down.

Judge Roy Moore lost his bid to be an Alabama Senator, but he thinks there’s plenty of blame to go around. The angry loser called The Lint Screen and gave us some exclusive quotes:

“By all rights, I should have won. The Big Guy blew it. I put all my faith in God, and He let me down. I don’t hold grudges, but frankly, I expected better from Someone who’s supposed to be all-knowing and powerful.”

“Look, I’ve spent my entire career sucking-up to God. I posted His Commandments everywhere. I told folks He was on my side, and I thought He was. Then this happens. I swear to God, I may start shopping for a new diety.”

“I also got cheated by the liberal media. They paid all those fillies to make up fake stories about me pawing them when they were teenagers. It was all a bunch of lies–– but what do you expect from a bunch of love-starved ladies who were cuter when they were kids? Let me tell you something, they were much hotter when they had fewer miles on them.”

“Steve Bannon was no help, either. That guy smells like a garbage dump in August, and don’t even get me started on his breath. He’s a stink fog machine!”

“Trump didn’t do me any favors. He’s about as popular as a Rabbi with a sharp knife at a foreskin convention.”

“My Jew lawyer let me down, too. I doubt I got any votes because of him. Why, I’ve got half a mind to hire him to sue himself.”

“My wife was also a big problem. Lots of people probably didn’t vote for me because of her. She’s pretty old, you know. I may have to trade her in for a newer model.”

“I especially blame Doug Jones. I don’t know why he had to enter the race in the first place. He should have just dropped out for being a Democrat, then I would have won hands down.”

“It ain’t fair, none of it, but I’m not conceding. There’s no quit in this cowboy!”

The judge defends himself against accusers.

Roy Moore is not going to allow “a gaggle of lying ladies” upset his bid to become an Alabama Senator. He spoke to The Lint Screen earlier today.

“It all a bunch of poppycock,” Moore said, responding to the many allegations of his pursuing underage girls when he was in his thirties. “These women are all coming forward now, decades later, with their wild stories, and they expect voters to believe them? Who do these liars think they are?”

Moore leaned forward in his chair and spoke earnestly. “I do not know these women, have never been with them, and deny all their wild claims. And even if I had done anything to them when they were in their teens, maybe they brought it on themselves. Lots of teen dress real sexy, you know. But I didn’t do anything. That’s all I’m saying. And I have the president of the U.S. of A., Steve Bannon, and the entire Republican National Committee backing me up. So good luck with all your crazy made-up stories, tramps!”

The judge’s face was red. “And if I did sign their yearbooks, maybe they entrapped me, you ever think of that? Maybe they asked me for my autograph and dictated creepy messages they wanted me to write. But that never happened. Those signed yearbooks are obvious forgeries. I am one hundred percent innocent. I go to church, for crying out loud!”

Moore took a deep breath. “All these silly lying ladies were hired by liberals trying to make me look bad. But it not going to work, no sir! Besides, all any voter needs to know is this––Roy Moore is not a Democrat. Case closed.”

Moore stood up. “I gotta go now. School’s out in twenty minutes.”