Archive for January, 2018

Mental giant on the world stage is also a creative genius.

President Donald J. Trump is proud of his new nickname for Steve Bannon–– “Sloppy Steve”–– but a dumpster dive at The White House by The Lint Screen reveals some other names that were in the running.

What follows is a list of rejected Bannon nicknames created by the man known worldwide for his sanity and his smarts! The list was on six crumpled sheets of presidential letterhead found in a trash bag from the West Wing (pages had ketchup stains attesting their authenticity).

— Sloppy Bannon
— Trash Bannon
— Stevie Junk
— Not Too Tidy Steven
— Stevie Pig Pen, Like In Charlie Brown
— Charlie Brown
— Snoopy
— Cute dog in a comic strip
— Steve Pigsty
— Little Steven
— The Boss, wait, I’m the Boss!
— Crooked Steve (note: CHECK AND SEE IF I’VE USED ‘CROOKED’ FOR ANYONE)
— Stubble Steve
— Won’t Shave Bannon
— Never Knew A Close Shave Steve
— No Razors Steve
— Whiskers McGee
— Dresses in Layers Bannon
— Two Shirts Steve
— Breit-fart Bannon
— Loose Lips
— Mr. Big Blabbermouth
— Mr. Can’t Keep A Secret
— That Sloppy Guy in THE ODD COUPLE–– what’s his name, not the neat one, the really sloppy one–– it’ll come to me
— Felix The Cat–– NO, THE OTHER GUY–– THE SLOPPY ONE!
— Oscar Meyer
— The Oscars
— James Madison
— Madison, Wisconsin
— Sloppy joes
— I’m hungry, think I’ll get some Big Macs and Filet of Fishes
— Steve who is sloppy
— Steve sloppy
— Sloppy Steve–- THAT’S IT! PERFECT!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! TIME FOR A HAPPY MEAL!!!!! BIG MACS, FISHIES, SHAKE, FRIES, KETCHUP!!! ME HUNGRY!!!

The USA’s #1 fee-chaser talks bud

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III sat down with The Lint Screen to discuss his recent decision to allow federal prosecutors to impose a stricter enforcement of marijuana laws in states where cannabis has been legalized.

“I don’t mean to harsh anyone’s buzz,” said the 71-year-old lawmeister. “I mean, I’m chill, dig? But I think it’s high time––” the diminutive man began giggling. “Dude, I said ‘high’ talking about maryjane-wanna. Cripes, gee, I’m killing myself here!” He began chortling uncontrollably.

While the pixie collected himself, this reporter did some lawn work, took a warm bath, then watched The Godfather trilogy. Upon returning, Sessions finally regained his elf-like composure.

“What I meant to say was wacky tobaccy is a gateway drug. And that gateway is the gate to enter hell! And believe you me, down there, ol’ Satan can torch your spliff lickety-split!”

The country’s top ambulance-chaser ripped open a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and totally annihilated it. He burped a yellow stink fog and continued.

“Herb be bad, man. Word. I’ve heard tell of dudes so crunked, baked outta their noggins, they woke up with dry blood on their hands and a bunch of dead prosties on the floor. They had no memory of what went down. How gone is that, man? It blows my mind, bro.”

The torts mouthpiece ripped open a big bag of Dinamita Fiery Habanero Doritos and began cramming fistfuls of them into his gaping yob.

“Doo-doo gonna get real, I’m telling you. Doo-doo gonna get real.”