The United States of America is under siege by hedonistic hipsters hellbent on horizontal hard-core hanky-panky!

The song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a smut-filled anthem promoting pre-marital sinning. Little wonder radio stations across the nation are banning the dirty song before it drives listeners into the fiery lakes of hell and eternal damnation!

“‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is a virtual how-to guide for rape,” said Mandy Ingram, president of People For The Ethical Treatment of People In Mutually Consenting Relationships.

“This song could lead to the destruction of civilized society,” Ingram told The Lint Screen.  “Ricardo Montalban is a ravenous animal in his pursuit of Esther Williams, a woman striving to preserve her innocence. Meanwhile, aggressor Betty Garrett pursues poor Red Skelton, a man who is obviously not comfortable with his own sexuality. The overall message is to let your animal drive overpower your intellectual sense of decorum and decency. It’s outrageous and I am offended, as are many others! I don’t feel safe in a world where this song is played.”

Should you see or hear a performance of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” get help immediately before things go awry.