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Fritos Pledges to End “Nanny State” of Currency
In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.” Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty…
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Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches
The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates. “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”…
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Pollywog, Stilts & Salt Water Taffy Trust Fund Money To Enter Political Fray
When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas. The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100…
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Money Floodgates Ready To Bust
The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of…
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Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide
Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws. A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants…
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Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans
Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not…