The Lint Screen

CLICK HERE TO HEAR SWATCHES OF MY INTERVIEW WITH ALEX BOGUSKY

Back in November of 2007, I had the pleasure of interviewing Alex Bogusky at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta. I was El Presidente of the Atlanta Ad Club, and Alex was booked to talk with us. Rather than have a lecture, I wanted to interview him like James Lipton interviews megastars on “Inside The Actors Studio.” Alex liked the idea and was terrific. We packed the house with over 350 people, by far the largest AAC event in recent history, and Alex generously shared his wisdom and insights. It was an inspiring evening and afterward Alex bolted to catch a private plane and fly to Seattle. The agency was pitching Microsoft the next day. They did and they won. Just another day for CP+B.

The communications world was jolted recently when Alex Bogusky, creative Wunderkind of Crispin Porter + Bogusky, announced he was leaving the ad world to pursue other interests.

He wants to do more do-gooder types of things– helping people and what have you. He had received his money from selling to MDC and decided he’d had enough of the adworld. His ex- agency still handles Burger King and Domino’s Pizza and Alex was becoming more vocal about touchy subjects like advertising to children and selling foods that are hardly healthy. He took his ball and left the playground. Good for him; it’s admirable to want to help others, and everyone is curious to see what he does next.

In an industry where there are few interesting people, few visionaries/iconoclasts/leaders, Alex Bogusky stood out. He was controversial at times, but always sincere and passionate. The work, love it or hate it, changed many of the rules of how people communicated with people.

Best wishes, Alex, you were a great guest and voice for our industry.

There’s an entrepreneurial voice inside you who wants to be free. Who wants to bust the shackles of ‘the man’ and fly where you want, when you want, how you want.

So you want to be your own boss– you want to freelance or be a consultant. Good for you. I believe that freelancing is great for everyone, but not everyone is great for freelancing.

Before starting an ad agency, I had two successful stints as a freelancer. Here’s what I learned that you may want to know.

1. Strip down your expenses. Now that you’re in business for yourself, you’ll have to concern yourself with the absence of regular paychecks. The 15th and last day of the month will just be two more days on the calendar. Your income will be sporadic, at best. You’ll go through dry spells and busy spells. While you can’t control your income, you can control your expenses, so slim them down (good advice for people will full time jobs, too). Do you really need to hit Starbucks twice a day? Watch your meal expenses, happy hour bills, entertainment costs. Look at everything you’re spending money on and decide what is absolutely essential and what can be cut back. Get health insurance but don’t overpay for it. Get the highest deductible available. You need catastrophe insurance that will cover major medical expenses if your health goes seriously south. In short, you don’t have to live like a pauper, but you’ll be better off if you keep your splurges to a minimum, until you get established at least.

2. Consult with a good accountant. Find out the essentials of keeping books, expenses, what’s deductible and what isn’t. A good accountant will tell you the red flags the I.R.S. looks for. It is not as difficult as it sounds, but it’s good to know the rules of the game before you start playing it. Or, take this simple attitude, “Everything is deductible, until you’re audited.” Do you feel lucky? Do you look good in orange? Do you want to be the husband or the wife?

3. Find your happy place. You need an office, a workspace, some place to call your own. This is your professional space, where you’ll get things done and run your business doing trivial things like work, writing letters, e-blasts, billing, etc. It can be a spare bedroom, or if you’re tight on space, your kitchen table or countertop. It can also be a neutral space: the library, a coffee shop, a fast food joint (although these ‘squatter spots’ are not ideal since management will give you the hairy eyeball if you’re hanging there for hours on end– they’re trying to run a business, too, you know). You need a place where you are your company and you can get down to business. All business. This work space is sacred, essential and critical to your success.

4. Look legit. Print your own business cards and stationary. Don’t cheap out on the card and paper stock. 5,000 business cards for $29 looks like 5,000 business cards for $29. Have a tasty design and typography on your card that speaks before it’s read. Here’s what it should say: “this person is good, really good. He/she may be pricey, but he/she is worth every penny.”

5. Name your price. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done, eventually people will want to know what your talent costs. So figure out your hourly rate, day rate, weekly or monthly rate. How? Find out the market rate for people with similar backgrounds and experience to yours. Adjust accordingly. If you feel your work is more brilliant than others, set your rates higher. The free market system will tell you if you’re worth it. If someone wants you at a discount, you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to work at that price or not. Job #1 is to get demand for your service, so concentrate on that. Money will work itself out, eventually. You can always say no and many times refusing work makes you even more desirable. Of course, you may wish to charge by the project so you don’t have to discuss mundane matters like hourly or daily rates. Go ahead, do project fees but be careful. Be exact in defining the scope of work. State the number of revisions your price includes. Be as specific as possible with what the project fee covers, and what it doesn’t. People love to revise work endlessly, and they will do so– until it’s costing them money. Get a signed P.O. and go. Doing projects is the deep water and I don’t recommend it for freelancers just starting out. If you’re not careful, it can be an expensive way to learn the game. P.O.s are always a good idea, but if you’re working for a company directly, they are essential. I once got stiffed by a multi-billion dollar corporation because I didn’t have a signed P.O. and the guy who gave me the verbal assignment got whacked just after giving me the go-ahead. I did the work and they refused to pay me because there was no paper trail. Wah-wah-wahhhhhh! Lesson learned. Bureaucracies run on paperwork. Get it signed and get paid.

6. Make sure your work looks great. Your past work is your biggest calling card for yourself. For creative people, it’s all you’ve got. Not many people will hire you just to be fun to have around– it works for party clowns but not marketing folks. If it helps to present your work as case histories, give the proper backstory and context. Stress results. People like to know you care about making things happen. Build a website for you and your business. Don’t get too fancy with flash and gimmicks. People want to see your work, know a bit about you and be done with it. Show you’re diverse in your approaches. Prove you know your craft in a variety of styles and media. If your work shows you to be a one-trick pony, not many people will pay for rides. If you like, show more sides to yourself in a blog (see below). Have a link to your blog on your site. Oh, and don’t forget to have your website address listed on your beautiful business cards printed on quality stock.

7. Plug in and activate your network. All those people you know, the ones you’ve worked with, worked for, met at professional organizations, seen at seminars, friends, relatives– basically anyone with a pulse– they can all be the lead to your next job. Let everyone know what you’re up to and what you’re looking for. Give them a business card or two. Let them know you’d appreciate any referrals to keep you in mind. It’s that old ask and you will receive thing. It may not be today or tomorrow, but plant the seeds for future success and work. And plant like crazy.

8. Get to know the freelance network. Yes, they are your competitors but they are also could be a source of business. Writers need art directors and vice versa. Sometimes competitors get swamped and have to turn down work– work they could dish your way (don’t forget to return the favor). Know who’s out there and stay connected. These people can do you good, and when they do, pay them back with lunch, dinner, drinks or a villa in the south of France.

9. Get social. Use all the social networking tools you can to stay in touch. You don’t have to constantly hump legs, but you do need to have a presence so that people know about you and what you do, in case they need you to do what you do..

10. Blog. This isn’t for everyone, but it might be for you, if you have something interesting to say. Blogs are great for those who want to speak as an authority, a sage, a philosopher king or someone passionate on any subject. It can be business related but it doesn’t have to be. If you don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. Blogging is not for everyone. Write a blog about not blogging. Hmm, I’d better copyright that idea before Cosmo Kramer does…

11. Act like a shark. Some sharks stay in constant motion to survive. Consider this a good guide for your freelance success. You should always be networking, showing your work, pimping your work, attending events and professional functions, etc. Even if you’re busy, keep planting seeds for future harvesting. What if you’re an introvert and like to work quietly in the shadows like some genius Boo Radley? Well, you’d better be damn great, or get yourself an agent. Freelancing is tough for introverts. Someone’s got to pimp you and if not you, who?

12. When you’re hired, be professional and over-deliver the goods. A freelancer is a mercenary. You’re a professional hired for a specific, specialized task. Be prompt, or early on the job. Don’t jack around waiting for divine inspiration. Be a professional problem solver. Dive into data, ask smart questions, identify the problem and surround it. The beauty of freelancing is you don’t have to get involved in agency politics, client politics or typical business B.S. Your task is solving the problem at hand. Show agility and flexibility in thought and over-deliver the goods. Doing a great job the first time you’re hired is your best insurance of getting a job the next time. Freelancers are typically called upon until they don’t deliver… then companies go to another freelance source. Strive to always be the first freelancer call they make.

13. Get plugged-in on your jobs. When you get work, be personable and get to know the people you’re working for. Get to know the support staff, the people involved on the account. The more people who know and like you, the better your odds for getting more work down the road. Don’t get me wrong, being a swell joe isn’t what they’re hiring you for, but being a moody introvert, angry misunderstood genius or a stand-offish prick will hurt your chances of repeat business. Misery may love company, but who wants to hang with misery?

14. Check your ego. This is the toughest part of freelancing for most people. You are hired, you are paid and you do what you believe to be outstanding work. Then they take your precious babies and revise them, mangle them and ruin them (in your humble opinion). Get over it. You did the work, cashed the check and the deal is done. The great thing about freelancing is the lack of politics, the terrible thing about freelancing is the lack of control. When you are employed full time, you establish relationships inside the agency and with the client. All too often, when you’re freelancing you are kept in the shadows creating ideas that are taken forward. You have no control, no face, no voice. Unless the idea is so brilliant and the taste of agency people and client match yours, chances are your child will become something you may not recognize when it gets produced. Yes, it hurts, but until you have your own clients and your own relationships, you’re just a hired hand at the ranch. And hired hands had better get used to getting kicked.

15. Your book’s in mothballs. Because you have little control, freelancing can be tough on your book and reel. It’s tough to get work produced you love. All too often, you have little more than cancelled checks to show for your brilliant efforts (cancelled checks can look great when laminated). For this reason, I caution people early in their career from freelancing. Build your book, create something worth money to someone else, then you can afford the luxury of not having to scramble to add to it. But it’s damn hard to build a book as a freelancer, although I do know one guy who did it– Chuck Porter. Chuck’s had a very successful career as nothing but a freelancer, until he had his name added to Crispin Porter (and eventually + Bogusky). But then again, Chuck Porter is Chuck Porter, and he’s making us all look bad. Grab a torch and pitchfork, townspeople– let’s get him!

16. The Trojan Horse Strategy. Perhaps you don’t really want to freelance but you like the idea of having money for things like food, shelter, movies, video games, transportation and designer beer. No worries, freelancing is an excellent entree to test driving an agency, and vice versa. When you’re looking for a full time job, it can be tough getting into an agency to show your work. The economy sucks. It’s easier to get in as a freelancer showing your work, available for hire selling genius by the hour. So, open the door by showing your work as a freelancer, but state you might be interested in full time, should the right opportunity come up. Most agencies like this. It gives us the chance to test drive you and you to test drive us.

17. Shut your cakehole. Freelancers are like honeybees flying from flower to flower. Don’t pollinate confidential information, upcoming campaigns and gossip along the way. If people know you’re a busybody, you won’t stay very busy.

18. Paper out, paper in. The moment you finish a job and everyone’s happy, write a thank you letter to the person who hired you and include your invoice. DON’T WAIT. Do it now, now, now. Billing is not the same as receiving. Many companies like to take a loooooooong time to pay, aging invoices like fine wine. So you want to bill quickly because until the paperwork is in the system, absolutely nothing will happen. The quicker you get the paper out, the sooner checks will show up in your mailbox, and that, my friend, is the best feeling in the world.

19. Enjoy yourself or do something else. Freelancing will teach you a lot about business– the business of running a business.

You’ll discover a lot about yourself, agencies, clients, life. You’ll have a much better appreciation of our craft and what it takes to get things done and be successful.

You’ll also learn that just because your phone isn’t ringing doesn’t necessarily mean it’s broken. And that’s the hardest lesson to learn– patience. Can’t wait until I learn some patience my own self.

Happy hunting and feel free to toss in your advice.

The ante started at $2.4 million and went up to a cool $3 million to air a spot in this year’s “big game”, which is code for Super Bowl, a trademarked name. I can use the term since I’m paying $126,500 in licensing fees and have a team of Lint lawyers at the ready.

I’ve shielded myself from the annual hype about Super Bowl commercials to keep virgin eyes and a clean slate for my opinions. The criteria of my grading is this: is the spot entertaining, relevant to the product or service, informative, interesting, memorable and the holy grail of all– persuasive? A tall order, I know, but for a $2.4-3 mil investment plus production costs, ad agency fees, etc., it seems like appropriate ground rules.

Am I being too rough to expect more than just entertainment? No, this is supposed to be marketing, right? If you’d like to re-watch any of the spots, the good people of Ad Age have most of them posted here.

I apologize in advance for any errors. These are gut reactions after one viewing, so there.

Hyundai Sonata– Nothing breakthrough here: pretty car shots, The Dude’s voiceover extolling the Sonata’s virtues and car reviews, lots of features, great gas mileage and an attractive price. Simple, well-produced, product-focused and great eye candy. I like, but then again, we’re now a two Hyundai family (attribute it to the smart advertising, a great website, terrific products and rave reviews had something to do with it).

Bud Light– The first shot from the deep A-B coffers is a blank. Some people enter a house made of Bud Light cans. The people think the cans are empty, but wah wah wahhh– they’re not, they’re full! Now the fun begins. Blah blah. There’s an end gag with a shower curtain being pulled back as a naked woman screams. Huh? It’s going to be a long night…

Snickers– Young dudes are playing football with Betty White (yes, Betty White). They tell “Mike” he’s playing like “Betty White”… she eats a Snickers, and is suddenly transformed from Betty into a young man. AVO tells us “When you’re hungry, you’re not yourself.” End gag with guy tackling Abe Vigoda (yes, Fish Vigoda). It’s a smart strategy, and breakthrough creative execution. Not in the same league as previous Snickers work, but that was some of the best.

Focus on The Family– The controversy was bigger than this commercial. Mom Pam Tebow talks about her baby and how she almost lost him. Suddenly, son Tim Tebow tackles her. Yes, the brat tackles his mother. This is the thanks she gets?! Look, religion and politics consume all other aspects of the airwaves, the Super Bowl should offer some relief. Hey, this is about talking babies and cute animals and stuff! Now, can we get on with our lives?

Hyundai Sonata– Beautiful cinematography of a factory making a Hyundai Sonata. The Dude tells us about famous classical sonatas and compares this to the new Sonata. A long way to go, then we learn the Sonata has a better paint job than a Mercedes. Hmmm. Pretty spot, point made, but it feels cheap.

BoostMobile– A hateful spot playing off the old Chicago Bears shuffle. Mike Ditka, etc. Why and for what, God only knows. Have no idea what this product does, nor do I care. Let us never speak of this again. Please.

Doritos– The master wants his dog to speak for Doritos, the dog doesn’t, instead he sneaks behind man and puts collar on him! Oh boy!!! Then, get this, the dog takes the bag of Doritos and shocks the man! Ain’t we got fun? Oh, I feel shame for all ad people.

Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood (with Russell Crowe). Looks like what you’d expect. Get your tights out of the mothballs. (Insert your mothball-tights joke here.)

Doritos– A guy goes to his girl’s house. She goes to get ready. Her son is there with a bowl of Doritos. The man reaches for one, takes it and little boy slaps him on face. Tells man to keep his hands off his mom and his Doritos. There you have it. Check, please. This is not a great moment in advertising history.

Bud Light– Get a load of this: a meteor is coming to destroy Earth so all the scientists and astronomers begin celebrating impending death with Bud Light. The end gag– meteor is just a pebble that bounces off telescope. Cue the trombones, wah wah wahhhhhh wahh! Sigh, where’s the Most Interesting Man in The World when you need him?

Coca-Cola– The big gun goes celebrity with all of The Simpsons Springfield as C. Montgomery Burns is broke, we see his life being turned to crap. Some decent sight gags but nothing as witty as classic Simpsons. At the end, Burnsie gets a Coke. A lot of celebrity power here, but not nearly as powerful or charming as the parade character balloons spot from a couple years back.

GoDaddy.com– The ‘GoDaddy girl (Danica Patrick) is getting a massage. Her masseuse recognizes her, wants to be like her and asks if she can be a ‘GoDaddy Girl’… then masseuse rips her shirt off of herself to reveal a T with web address. We’re directed to go check out more. Welcome to soft porn. Heavy sigh.

Doritos– We’re in a church at a funeral but the guys in the pews are snickering because they’re buddy’s in casket-full of Doritos watching the game. Cut to man in coffin with lots of Doritos and a small TV. Oh, why bother describing what happens after this… it’s a hateful spot. Death and Doritos, we’ve come to this. Sob.

Bud Light– Dude has party voice and Bud Light. All pals have party voices and Bud Lights. No reason to go into it any further. Another bad Bud Light spot.

Monster– A beaver plays a fiddle. Yada yada yada. A voiceover says something. Yawn. Was there a woodchuck gag in there? Who cares? Anyone remember when Monster did cool ads? I do. Sad. Maybe they need some fresh talent. Hey, look on Monster!

The Wolfman– Looks good. Dark, moody, spooky. Deal me in.

Bridgestone– a killer whale is in a car with some guys. They’re splashing it with water. They take the whale to the sea and it dives in. The driver says, “Now that was a bachelor’s party”… looks like someone in the creative department saw The Hangover last year.

Sketchers. Boring.

cars.com– Timothy has an amazing life delivering tiger cubs, saving high school students from a twister, oh, but he doesn’t know doodly-squat about cars. Fortunately there’s cars.com. to make car buying easy. A long way to go but a message is sent. Is there reception? We’ll see.

Budweiser– Man enters diner and announces the bridge is out. No one cares until he says there’s a Bud delivery truck on the other side. Suddenly, the townsfolk run to help. They form a bridge, truck drives over. Party in diner. End gag, drivers say they need the bridge to get back across. Please, people, if you must drink, don’t form bridges.

Shutter Island– Scorcese, Leo, insane asylum, mystery. You had me at Scorcese.

The Late Show With David Letterman– Letterman eats a chip and complains about the boring Super Bowl part. Camera widens out, we see Oprah who tells Dave it’s not that bad. Camera widens out more and we see Leno on the other side of Oprah. If Oprah can bring those two together, let’s get her on a plane to the Middle East. Nice spot.

CareerBuilder.com— It’s a guy talking about his problem with the office and casual Fridays. We see his coworkers in underwear (they are pudgy, not model types). Where are we going with this? To Punville! The AVO tells us to “expose yourself” to new job opportunities with careerbuilder.com. I feel like I should earn frequent flier miles for following this.

Dockers– A bunch of men wear no pants and march across a field chanting “We wear no pants…” (Did they know the previous spot had no pants for a gag?) All of this is to get you to go to a website for some free pants. Hmm, FREE– that should sell some pants…

Hyundai Sonata– This spot makes a point of the product’s long warranty by showing Brett Favre in 2020 getting the MVP award. The Dude’s voiceover says, “We don’t know what the future will be like, but we know the Sonata will still be covered.” Clever, simple, powerful sales point. Put more points on the board for Hyundai.

Bud Light– Here’s a spoof of the TV show Lost. The surviving passengers are on the beach, a woman approaches and announces she has a way to be rescued off the island, but wait, some guy has found the beverage cart and it’s fully stocked with Bud Light (hmm, maybe they could build a house with all the cans). Party ensues and they use radio to get party music. Umm, that’s some powerful party beer, that Bud Light. The best BL spot of the night, but that’s damning with faint praise. Still, I’ll bet this scores big with the USA Today poll. It’s got the proper balance of pop culture heat.

Dove for Men– It’s all about some man’s life. We see him born, he ages, he marries, has kids, etc., etc., etc. Then somehow this wraps into him in the shower and copy about new Dove for Men and the clever slogan be comfortable in your own skin. Why? Don’t ask– because Dove says so, that’s why!

Dodge Charger– We see a series of close-ups of men as they say “I will” and run-off a litany of emasculating things they ‘will do’ for their women. All of this is to set up that because they do all this p-whipped stuff they ‘will drive what they want”– and that’s a Dodge Charger. Vrrroooom! There, there, of course you will, fellas. Just ask your lady for the keys. The car looks much stronger than the beaten-down men.

teleflora.com– A hot girl is berating a less attractive worker. Hot girl gets a box of flowers. She opens it and a talking flower starts berating her. A guy coworker asks, “Who sends flowers in a box? A guy in prison?” The AVO tells us use teleflora and get flowers in a vase. Stupid. Kindly put this spot in its grave and send it a box of flowers.

Papa John’s– Look, it was a Papa John’s spot. Do you really have to wonder if it was any good?

Alice in Wonderland– Disney gets hip, hires Tim Burton who hires Johnny Depp. This movie looks very cool and visually stunning. What would Walt think? I like.

Dr. Pepper– The rock band KISS pimps Cherry Dr. Pepper. Oh, I can’t even describe it any more. Slap everyone involved with this mess (you might want to wash your hands after you slap the members of KISS, greasepaint stains). By the way, what is with Dr. Pepper? Why can’t they ever do a decent spot?

TruTV– We’re in Punxsutawney for a groundhog day set up as the mayor pulls a miniature Troy Polamalu out of a hole and announces “Six more weeks of football.” Long way to go for a copy point, but point made, you can catch six more weeks of football. Put points on the board.

Universal Orlando– Harry Potter world comes to Orlando. Is there ever any reality in Orlando? Oh well, if our kids were still that age, we’d be there.

FLOTV– We see a guy shopping with his girl as a narrator tells us the man’s girlfriend has removed the boyfriend’s spine and so he can’t see the game. But lookee here now, with new FLOTV he could see it. The device looks like a little iPhone screen. Are all men in commercials whipped? The device does look interesting, I’ll give them that.

Intel– An engineer talks about new processors being “the greatest thing we’ve ever done” as we see a little robot approach with a tray of food. The little robot is sad as he hears the guy talk about how great this new processor is. I get a Wall-E vibe from the robot. The point is this new chip is hot stuff. Not bad, I guess.

IT’S HALFTIME– LET’S HOPE PETE TOWNSEND DOESN’T EXPOSE A ROGER DALTRY NIPPLE IN A WARDROBE MISHAP.

“Hope I die before I get old…” P. Townsend, age 97.

FLOTV– The Who’s “My Generation” plays as we see news clips of our lives. Swatches of history are laid out in a mosaic that frankly is astounding to see back-to-back. Jerry was right– what a long, strange trip it’s been. The message is simple: never miss a moment. You don’t have to, babe, not if you’ve got a FLOTV. Oh, did I mention Will.i.am is in this spot– not sure why, but there you go. Nice spot, I toss a flag for flagrant use of celebrity when they didn’t have to, but one of the smartest spots so far. Does not feel like it fits well with the previous p-whipped guy shopping spot, but there you go. A campaign for these A.D.D. times.

NFL Network– Cool spot. Beautiful cinematography, all hail football– it gives us something to put commercials into.

Prince of Persia– Looks like The Mummy XXIII , lots of special effects and action. Think I’ll wait for the DVD.

Motorola– Megan Fox is in a bath and takes a picture of herself and wonders what would happen if she sent it out. Then we see phone lines explode, a mother knocking on door of her son;s room wanting to know what he’s doing in there (oh, mom!), a gay couple slapping each other and so on. Then Megan says never mind, she won’t send the picture after all and I wonder why they bothered making this commercial. Phones that take pictures, what black magic is this?

Volkswagen– We see various VW cars drive by and people punch one another. A play off the old punch-bug game called punch-dub. Feels forced, but at least there is a heritage to build on. Makes me think more of the Beetle than any of their new products, though.

Denny’s– A man talks to chickens and warns them that soon Denny’s will be offering a free grand slam breakfast. The chickens are worried, concerned. The man says this is great news for people but bad news for chickens (because they’re going to be working overtime). Not a great spot but a great message– FREE FOOD! What’s not to like?

Michelob Ultra– Lance Armstrong and other super healthy people run and ride and push themselves to the limit then chill at the bar with this beer-like substance. Me no like. Me like fat people beer. Burp.

HomeAway.com– The Griswalds (Chevy & Beverly) are getting constant disappointments at their hotel. They’re billed for the ‘complimentary water’… the desk clerk explains that it is “complimentery with an ‘e’ water– the water compliments the room decor.” Good joke. The whole point is that HomeAway.com can save you money when you hit the road. Sounds interesting. Not sure I needed Chevy & Bev, would have been good without them, but I guess new companies need a little fame to rub against.

Bridgestone– Dastardly evilniks have a roadblock set-up for the James Bond guy who drives up in a sportscar this rainy night. They tell him “Your Bridgestones or your life!” He skids to a stop, hot woman gets out…. wait for it… bad guy says, “I said your money or your life, not your wife!” (Hear the rimshot?) You’d think bad people could afford to just buy a set of Bridgestones, but apparently not.

kgb– A stupid spot for a service started by the Russian secret police about finding the answers to questions by texting. Uses sumo wrestlers. Has there ever been a good spot done with sumo wrestlers? Not that I recall.

Coca-Cola– A beautiful shot spot where a man sleepwalks in Africa past many jungle dangers for a Coke. He ends up going to a fridge and opens it, grabs a Coke (no, there are no Bud Lights in there). He walks back, drinks Coke and pets a big cat, all while still asleep. A nice spot. Surprising, entertaining, likable, nice.

E-TRADE– Oh, those talking babies. Baby boy calls baby girl on computer cam. Little girl asks him if he’s seeing another little girl she calls a ‘milk-a-holic’. Other little girl enters frame and asks, “Milk-a-what?” I smell catch phrase. This will be a buzz-worthy spot. The babies will become more famous. Does that translate to e-Trade business? It must, they’ve been doing this campaign for a long while.

U.S. Census Bureau– The Christopher Guest company of egotist filmmakers are going to make a film called Snapshot of America… but what do you know, that’s what the U.S. Census is all about. A goofy idea. I love the characters but the idea is weak as a drunk’s knees. Why is this supposed to make us feel good about being counted?

Google– Ironic. So far the commercials have been big on special effects, celebrities, famous music, sophomoric gags and sexy women. Now here comes a spot that has none of those. It’s a lock-off shot of a computer screen that shows someone Google-ing. And it is so true to Google, showing how one thing leads to another to another to another and another more. And the story just builds from hunting for a job to Paris to a church to marriage to a crib. It’s an amazing journey told on Google. It wraps up with the simple line: Search on. What a perfect idea. Smart, relevant, interesting and compelling. It’s the anti-Bing. This is the best spot in the Super Bowl, so far.

KIA Sorento– Sock Monkey and other toy pals are getting their groove on in a KIA and end up ripping it up in Vegas, cut to see the toys not as characters but as toys in the back seat of the vehicle as a kid gets in. Car starts and goes down road. A lot of razzle and dazzle for not a lot of purpose or reason. It’s about the vehicle, stupid! (But it’s always good to see sock monkey– wonder what he was like to work with…)

RoundUp– It kill weeds. Got weeds? You might consider buying some. This may be the best weed killer spot in the Super Bowl.

Select 55– A light commercial for a new light beer. Bottle floats in air, Don’t let me down plays. O.K., thank you.

NFL– Incredible cinematography of players and fans as music builds and the league says “Thank you”. Nice, simple. Well done, start the wave.

VIZIO– Giant claws grab the best of internet sites and and entertainment properties, they all are assembled in the new VIZIO. The message is the best of the internet and entertainment are now in the VIZIO. O.K., now can I have my TV back?

Emerald Nuts/Pop Secret– A gonzo trip with a guy feeding jumping people at a water show Emerald nuts and Pop Secret popcorn. Goofy, and not in a good way.

Dante’s Inferno– A guy battles all sorts of demons. Stunning visuals, action as Bill Withers sings “Ain’t No Sunshine”. This is for a new video game where you battle the forces of hell. Looks like sales heaven. Great spot for the product. Just show how cool it is and get out of the way.

Budweiser–The big storyteller spot. A longhorn calf looks on as the Clydesdales go by. Title tells us it’s three years later. Now we see a large longhorn look on as the Clydesdales come down the road. The longhorn charges through the fence and joins the beer horsies. Two guys are standing by. One says, “Nothing comes between friends.” The other says, “Especially fences.” Oh, does this thing ever feel forced. Where’s the charm? It may be time to take the Clydesdales to the glue factory, or at least find a fresh story line for them.

Honda Accord Crosstour– Cool animation of a squirrel putting away nuts and such and ends up in the vehicle that has a place for everything. Animation is killer, car looks nice. Good stuff, stands out.

Denny’s– Chickens across America do various things as “the Battle Hymn of The Republic” plays. The wrap up is that Denny’s is giving away free Grand Slams on Tuesday. It’s going to take a lot of eggs. Yeah, I’m thinking Denny’s will be pretty packed on Tuesday. As for Wednesday and beyond…

Audi– A terrific spot. We see people getting busted for violations of not being eco-friendly. Cheap Trick’s song “The Dream Police” is changed to “The Green Police”– could have done without this– and it’s visually surprising and entertaining. We see a roadblock where the Green Police give the go-ahead to the new Audi because it is eco-love. Elaborate spot for a simple premise. Audi is awfully green. Well done.

Taco Bell– Charkes Barkley walks through scenes carrying Taco Bell crap. He recites Dr. Seuss-like poetic copy. Had enough yet? I have.

Doritos– Guys at a club enjoy a bag of Doritos that one dude got from “Tim’s locker”– the other dude says this is bad. Why? Because Tim is a Doritos freak. Cut to man in an outfit made of Doritos swinging a weapon and he leaps and attacks. Cut to logo. These spots are as artificial as reading the ingredient list on a bag of Doritos.

Bud Light– Wow, it’s girl’s book club, and the ladies have a bucket of Bud Lights. Guy comes in, and get this, he wants to talk about chick books! What ensues is a certified LAFF RIOT. Oh, sarcasm, why do you feel so right?

Hyundai– The plant in Alabama makes the Sonata as we see a bunch of hands carrying the car through the various production stages. There are no machines, just hands. The car goes through the stages of assembly, finish. The simple point is this: with so many quality inspections, it’s like the Sonata is hand-made. Nice. I think Hyundai will be selling a lot of Sonatas. .

E-TRADE– Another baby spot. Missed most of it. Was it any good?

Sketchers– This stands out for it’s crappy production values and lack of any real concept. But, it does stand out, I give it that.

GoDaddy.com– Danica Patrick is being interviewed by two women about the controversy of her being the hot new GoDaddy girl and they’d like to know if they could be part of the hotness… blah blah, they rip their shirts off to show T-shirts directing people to the site. Please go, GoDaddy, go now.

Denny’s– A woman gets ready to blow out candles on her birthday cake and a chicken rises and screams. The message: get a Free Grand Slam on your birthday! Denny’s is cornering the market on free breakfast! IHOP, whatcha gonna do now to rival free food?

E-TRADE– Now the talking babies are on a plane. They’re talking about something or other but all I hear are babies… babies on a plane (where’s Samuel L. Jackson when you need him)! They over-power whatever the message is. No wonder W.C. Fields hated working with babies.

Chevrolet– We own the company now and our ads are telling us our cars are winning consumer awards. We like us! Although it’s not a stand-out spot, it is a smart message. Let people know other people like the cars.

Chunky Soups– Here’s the message: go on line for a $5 coupon. ‘Nuff said. Cheaper soup. That should sell.

Pace Picante Sauce– Got me what this is about. A woman watches TV and cooks with Pace. Maybe I can’t pay attention any more. Has my brain turned to mush already?

FLOTV– Lots of sports celebs tell us we can get FLOTV in our car. Thanks, technology. The branding on this campaign is all over the place. The unifying campaign epoxy seems to be the logo. Hmmm, that’s pretty lame.

Intel– We see a couple geeks as they age. In the stages of their development they witness new stages of technology. The wrap-up is the new Intel processor. Simple. I always liked the group of engineers singing the obnoxious Intel notes at the end of the spot.

Sun Life– The company wants to be better known so they want to use Cirque du Soleil because it’s name has to do with sun. Oh, brother, I think my mind is now officially toast, which should go with the mush it turned into recently. Regardless, this commercial is crap.

WalMart– A hubby is busted buying his wife Valentine’s Day gifts. There. Not bad, simple message. WalMart’s got lots of Valentine’s stuff, so there!

Hyundai– The Dude asks “What if we made luxury available for everybody?” Fun visuals of everyday people and situations with super luxury touches. It’s surprising and fun to watch. The point is the Genesis makes luxury affordable to everybody. Very well done.

The Crazies– This new movie looks like a hoot. Hey, you had me at “The.”

Final observations. A lackluster year for spots. Standouts spots are Google and Hyundai.

I am left to wonder why all guys in commercials are neutered idiots, and why exactly are we so obsessed with celebrities, famous songs and talking babies and animals?

Oh, one last note– The Saints won.

That’s the 2010 Super Bowl commercial wrap-up, feel free to dispute, agree and add your perspective. Lint welcomes all, all welcome Lint! Thanks.

Yes, I know traditional advertising is supposed to be dead.

Yes, I know 76% of people say they don’t trust or believe advertising (but I don’t believe them– no one wants to admit his/her opinion can be swayed by anything).

Yes, I know the consumer is king/queen/ruler of their media universe.

But for God’s sake, will advertisers please cut it out with the gonzo guerrilla tactics, lame product placements, ham-fisted promo/entertainment integration and convoluted tie-ins?!

I recently went to a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues in Houston. The singers began pimping the new Disney movie “The Princess & The Frog” with free tickets and movie paraphenalia. It was like the gospel music was interrupting a big Disney commercial.

Give me some of that old time traditional advertising–– I’m sick of the loopy promotional tie-ins everywhere. Especially sports.

It’s just a matter of time until we’ll be watching a football game and hear commentators saying things like, “Anderson fumbles the ball and it’s another costly turnover. You know, Pepperidge Farm Turnovers never let you down with their delicious fruit fillings and flaky pastry crusts. Ummm, that’s some good eating on a hungry morning! Pepperidge Farm Turnovers, umm yum!”

“And there’s the two minute warning. You know, in less than two minutes you can easily compare affordable Progressive Insurance rates with four competitors. Sweet sassafras, could it get any easier to save yourself some money on insurance?!”

“It’s the Ford Focus third down. Third and three yards…”

“There’s the snap–and Snapper mowers keep any lawn looking beautiful– the hand-off to Wilson, who gains four yards. If you want to keep your yard crabgrass-free, Ortho Weed-B-Gone does the job quickly and easily. Kill that crabgrass dead!”

Look, just because you can put a promotional message somewhere doesn’t mean you should put a promotional message there.

Brothers and sisters, can I get an “Amen” on this. (The previous “Amen” was brought to you by Disney’s The Princess & The Frog, showing at a theatre near you.)

My hands with be in a flurry to describe how manipulated I feel watching this spot.
Can you say heavy handed?