The Lint Screen

BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.

Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.

“Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”

The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”

In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.

So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.

It’s about time.

Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!

But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.

Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.

Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.

I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.

So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.

For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”

Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.

Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.

1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.

2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.

3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.

4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.

5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”

6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!

7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.

Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market.

“I reckon the world will be my oyster,” said a confident Hayward sipping champagne from a 24-Karat solid gold jewel-encrusted chalice on his yacht, “and I plan to slurp it down my gullet and spit out a perfect pearl.”

Asked what his particular strengths are, Hayward became reflective then gushed, “I suppose my strongest suit is my ability to connect with people. I understand human nature and how commoners think. I am unique in my chameleon-like dexterity to adapt to the thinking process of neanderthals and serve up whatever drivel will appease the masses. It’s a gift, actually, my uncanny knack for relating to the lower classes.”

“I’m also quite gifted at cutting costs. I can size up any business quickly and immediately see where the fat lies, then make the tough decisions to trim away the fat leaving nothing but lean, muscular profits. For example, I’d be a perfect CEO for British Airways. I suspect they waste hundreds of millions of pounds on silly things like maintenance and servicing aircraft. I’d see to it that the company shored-up its operations and eliminated expenses like routine maintenance in favor of only fixing things when they fail. This would take the saved expenses directly to the bottom line where they would blossom into sweet, beautiful, magnificent profits. I could do the same thing for just about any business. Nuclear power plants? No need for costly inspections, simply stay the course and keep your fingers crossed. If things go all squiffy, then fix it. But why turn profits into expenses before you have to? It’s not terribly good business. It’s this kind of innovative thinking, along with a firm philosophy of paying good money for lobbyists and politicians, that make me a premier executive any company would be lucky to have at the helm!”

Mr. Hayward will be available for new employment opportunities in October.

Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more.

“After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his ticker,” said a BP company spokesperson. “Mr. Cheney’s had a world of trouble with his heart, but we’re confident we can help him. After all, look at how we saved the Gulf of Mexico after God erupted that enormous oil spill! Which, by the way, we’re determined to clean up and make right, not because it’s our fault, but because that’s just the kind of swell janes and joes we are!”

The official refused to explain exactly what BP officials had in mind to fix Cheney’s heart, he only said, “It might take some experimenting with innovative techniques or drilling alternate pumping resources, but we feel pretty confident we can make it right. It’s what we do!”

Now that it looks like the BP Deepwater Horizon leak may finally be capped after 85 days, BP executives are crowing about their brilliance.

“We’re number one!” bragged one executive proudly as he wagged his index finger into this reporter’s face. “We kicked this leak’s butt from here to kingdom come, and you want to know why? I’ll tell you why, you pathetic ink-monkey– because we’re the best there ever was!”

“You can’t keep BP down,” said another executive, we’re always going to rise to the surface like some viscous liquid. It’s just in our DNA.”

“Now that we’ve fixed that little snafu,” said another BP bigwig, “we can get on to rolling the dice and finding some more bubblin’ crude– oil that is, black gold, Texas tea!”

“I’ll tell you one thing,” said an agitated executive, “I’m sick and tired of the media and politicians making us out to the heavies here. It’s not like we put the oil in the ground. Hell’s bells, all we do is take it out of the ground and put it in people’s tanks. We don’t ask for much in return, just some record profits and a little gratitude. Now get out the way, there’s some Macallan Scotch and Montecristos calling my name!”