The Lint Screen

The best and brightest, the hangers-ons, and the squeak-on-bys are being sent forth unto this world to make their marks. I recently gave the commencement address to the graduating class of Eternal Optimists University. Here is the transcript of my inspirational talk.

Today it is my honor to address this graduating class. I look out and see the expectant, eager faces of tomorrow’s progress. The generation who will leave their marks on the world, like a coyote marking his territory with urine.

And I feel pride. Pride in your ignorance of the great Mayan calendar predicting our end of days later this year.

Word to the wise, pass on buying a 2013 day planner. And don’t join any organization ending with the words “… of the month club.”

But do not be sad, grads. You should be happy. Happy that because the world is ending, you will not have to pay back your student loans– which average $24,000 for a typical graduate.

You should also feel joy. Joy that there is no need to sweat over an impossibly improbable job hunt. The employment outlook is bleak. Chances are, you would find bupkis and head into grad school for protection– only to amass more student debt.

Speaking of debt, be glad that you also won’t have to foot the bill for our nation’s debt, which of of today amounts to 50,253.21 for each and every one of you.

You also won’t have to pay off your credit card debt, which is well over $1,000 for the average American. And I suspect many of you are well above average.

Look, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, because I think the message is pretty clear– since we’re going out anyway, let’s go out with a bang. Let’s make the Class of 2012 a class to remember, even if our memories will be short lived thanks to our evil Mayan overlords.

So my suggestion to you, dear graduates, is live it up with what precious little life you have left.

Charge those credit cards to the max. Live with reckless abandon. Upgrade to an unlimited Netflix account.

Make your last days count. Get out of those silly robes and square hats. Put on some cargo shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Take a road trip. Enjoy your short lives to their fullest.

And if, by chance, the Mayans were wrong, well, best of luck. Thank you.

Um, who do I talk with to get my parking validated?

Deviled eggs tortured the evil maniac, Osama bin Laden. Good!

The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

- “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

- “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

- “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

- “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

- “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

- “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

- “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

- “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

Diary proves bin Laden contemplated a surprising career change in later years.

The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!”

Some nuggets contained within include the following:
- “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

- “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

- “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

- “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

- “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

- “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8′s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

More details will be released at a later date.

Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

“Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

If salty snack elected, your U.S. currency becomes toast!

In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.”

Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty dollar. It drives humans to distraction. It is a perfect example of the government’s nanny state, forcing itself and its scraps of paper with its name on them into all transactions of human interaction. My first order as president will be to have a big bonfire and burn all U.S. currency. This symbol of liberation will illuminate our freedom from the tyranny of governmental monetary dependency!”

When asked how the economy would operate without a monetary system, Wentrom stormed off the stage in what some described as “a huff” and others as “an angry tizzy.”

"Hello, citizen, let's get to know you better!"

The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

“I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

“We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

“I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

“I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”