The Lint Screen

The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.

“Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”

The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.

Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws.

A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants to kill all men and women with his recent proposal to have all humans ‘fixed.’ While this will not kill humanity immediately, it will prevent future generations from being born, thus ending the human species. Ms. Pickles believes this would be tragic since human beings are a species she puts in her top 10 favorite species list. This premeditated genocide shows the contempt and hatred that Santy Paws has for humans. Ms. Pickles believes that a candidate determined to wipe out its electorate would not be a good president, whereas she has always had great respect and admiration for people– especially when they give her treats or help pick lice off her back.”

Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president.

“My diplomacy is do as I say or die. Any questions, Ahmadinejad? And China, you’re next. ‘Tear down that wall’–– of I’ll make it and you go up in a mushroom cloud! And listen up, little man in North Korea, I wasn’t afraid of your daddy and I ain’t afraid of you. Get in line toot-sweet or you’ll feel my disappointment as your face melts into your tiny hands. Same to you, Putin. You may have been elected leader, but trust me, you don’t want me stuffing your ballot box. In fact, all you foreigners best suck up quick after I’m sent to the White House!”

With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.

In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.

In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”

With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.”

The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman who read a prepared statement as the spirited primate jumped around on stage and threw mud and feces at a picture of Watson. Many pundits credited Ms. Pickles for her restraint as the accusations were made.

“Ms. Pickles is a class act,” said Bernie Smidlapp, a seasoned political pundit. “Most candidates would go overboard when claiming another candidate is Satan, the evil one, Beelzebub, the lord of darkness, Lucifer. But not Ms. Pickles. Her response was measured and controlled. I think swing voters will be impressed.”

The only report from the Watson campaign camp was that the super computer “would be programmed to pray for the obviously mentally ill monkey.”