The Lint Screen

They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.

It was just over 50 years ago when the Fab Four released their first record to a square world and ushered in Beatlemania, moptops and you say you want a revolution–– well, you got it.

Sure, those Brit guys get the glory but a small kid from Ohio (me) had a bit of an influence on the band. Dig.

Here’s the original Lennon-McCartney lyrics to She Loves You:
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes…

I suggested they get a bit more informal–– yeah, yeah, yeah.

The band originally wanted to sport crewcuts, wear cardigan sweaters and perform barbershop quartet music. I suggested they let their hair grow, suit up and play electrified rock and roll music.

The band wanted to drop acid–– sulfuric acid. A punk kid talked them out of it.

The same kid helped them change the lyrics to some of their most famous songs. See if you can guess what those songs were from these original titles the band had: I Am The Wombat, Baby, You’re A Financially Sound Man With A Diversified Portfolio, Carry That Freight, Revolution 7, Penny Loafers, Very Attractive Sadie, Let It Pee, A Day In Wife, Glass Pearl Onion, Cathy Rigby, Everybody’s Got Something To Ride Except Me And My Orangutang, Get Plaque, The Day Before Today, She Came In Through The Coal Chute, While My Guitar Takes Imipramine To Boost Its Spirits and Here Comes That Big Yellow Circle Thingy In The Sky.

Yes, the band changed the world, but it might not have been without some guidance in the shadows from a midwestern youngster.

Brian Patrick Flannigan plans on being hungover March 18. “I’m getting totally wicked wasted on St. Paddy’s Day,” said the 21-year old Lawrence, Massachusetts native, “I think he would have expected me to get blotto in honor of his birthday.”

Flannigan says he plans to wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink only green beer. “St. Patrick invented green beer so I’m going to hoist a couple dozen in his honor. Green beer tastes better because it’s fresher. It’s green!”

The young man says he’ll also be sporting a “Irish Me Kiss I’m” button. “It’s hilarious because the words are all scrambled like they’re drunk or something. It’s a real conversation starter, for sure, and I think the ladies will be all over me. Can’t fail.”

The ambitious man states he will be training tonight for his St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Me and the boys are pub crawling tonight, priming the pump for tomorrow. We’re training like athletes getting the old liver in shape. I think St. Patrick would be proud. He was the patron saint of partying! Wooooo!”

A look inside what’s what in the big holy roller race

Here are some safe bets as the Papal conclave to replace retired Benedict XVI begins in Rome:
- The new Pope will be Catholic (or at least a very conservative Methodist)
- The new Pope may look into securing a new Pope Mobile as attractive financing rates are available for a limited time only during Pope-A-Thon Daze
- Chances are the new church leader will not select the following names: Pope Awesome, Pope Spike, Pope Jimmy T., Pope Coolness or Pope Slappy
- The smart money is on the winner being male
- Although campaigning will be intense, Karl Rove and James Carvelle will not secure consultant fees
- The winning candidate will most likely not moondance and trash talk competitors

Remember, you read it here first!

Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.

Putin may get more than he bargained for.

Unnamed sources close to God report that He is upset at the recent tirade that Russia president Vladimir Putin staged following a meteor landing in his country.

“The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”

There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.

Putin declares war after “hostile attack” of meteor on Friday.

Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, has declared war on outer space following what he called “an obvious hostile attack on our great nation.”

A meteor struck near Chelyabinsk, Russia, on Friday and injured 1,200 people while damaging 4,000 buildings. According to secret sources, Putin has been “angry as a lanced boil” ever since the incident.

“We shall not let this aggressive, premeditated attack on our fair country stand,” said Putin in a televised speech earlier today. “As of today, Russia is at war with the milky way galaxy. We have thousands of nuclear weapons and we intend to use them all with extreme prejudice. And because I’m crazy for Kubrick, I plan to have Slim Pickens look a-likes riding each nuclear missile into outer space. We’ll see how funny these hostile outer space creatures think that is!”

The world stands at the ready as Russia prepares to go to war.

Putin gets inspired by Kubrick!