Humor


Wilson when he was a superstar in Tinsel Town.

If your name is Wilson, Hollywood ain’t exactly La La Land singing, dancing and technicolor love-goo!

The handsome volleyball, who co-starred with Tom Hanks in 2000’s blockbuster movie Cast Away, has been on the beach ever since looking for another major motion picture role.

“It’s a damn shame,” Coco Vilsette, Wilson’s agent told The Lint Screen. “Tom Hanks has starred in a billion movies since then, and poor Wilson can’t get arrested in this town. He landed a minor role in a porn film project in Tarzana, and even then, he ended up on the cutting room floor. Apparently, the director didn’t think a charismatic volleyball added to his artistic vision.”

The movie business is notoriously rough on the careers of aspiring actors, but Wilson is in a league all his own.

“Wilson carried Cast Away,” his agent said. “Hanks knew it, Bobbie Zemeckis knew it. Without Wilson’s stellar performance and his ability to memorize lines and sell them with absolute conviction, Hanks would have had no transformative moment. And when Wilson is lost at sea in the film’s climax, well, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. His performance was magic, classic.”

But, after the film did boffo biz, all Wilson’s phone calls were crickets. “Apparently the roles for spherical objects are few and far between. Wilson was up for the lead in The Martian, but he got edged by Matt Damon because Ridley Scott thought he looked better in a space suit. Crap like that happens all the time in this godforsaken town.”

When Tom Hanks was contacted for his comment on his co-star’s dire career plunge, he said, “Wilson? Who’s that?”

Oh, the cruelty of the business that is show!

Frederick Douglass was recognized for his good work.

In a tragic turn of events, Frederick Douglass, who President Trump recently recognized for his “amazing work” died as a result of The Bowling Green Massacre.

Douglass was 198-years-old.

“It’s a horrible end to an incredible life,” Prof. William Jebberby of Gibney University told The Lint Screen. “It’s always sad when someone gets cut down in the prime of his life. We can only imagine the incredible and amazing things Frederick Douglass might have done with the years he had left.”

The body count from the Bowling Green Massacre continues to add up, but those who have perished will never be forgotten.

Phil wishes he were blind today.

There’s a critter who is hating the sun today.

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who has his own holiday and movie, saw his shadow this morning when he exited his burrow in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Tradition says that his shadow sighting foretells six more weeks of winter weather for our nation.

“This will not stand,” said Craig Pewinstar, a local electrician. “I’ve had enough winter weather, and I don’t see why we should be bullied by a chubby rat-like creature. As an American, I’ve got my rights, and I don’t want any more winter! Bring on spring! Make America warm again.”

Pewinstar began recruiting more people to his cause against Punxsutawney Phil, and soon an angry mob formed demanding the famous groundhog be put to death. Judge Samuel Wilkins, who said he was tired of shoveling snow, pounded his gavel and sentenced Punxsutawney Phil to be executed at sunset.

“It’s very unfortunate,” local resident Yancy Hawroot told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think poor Phil read the anger of many Americans. He miscalculated, and the consequences could be tragic.”

Hawroot leaped into action and called the ACLU and PETA to help save the pitiful groundhog. While representatives say they are on their way to plead Punxsutawney Phil’s case, there is no word yet if he will receive a stay of execution. “My hope is that cooler heads will prevail,” Hawroot said. “Or, maybe we can get Phil to disavow his shadow sighting.”

Craig Pewinstar broke a bottle and brandished it at Hawroot. “Good luck with that, snowflake! That warthog’s pushed us around long enough, and we’re finally going to get some damn justice!”

Pewinstar was restrained.

An upset Bat Boy rails against the evils of fake news!

Bat Boy, the sensation discovered by the “Poo-Litzer Prize” winning WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has surfaced again and is making headlines with his tirades against fake news.

“I’ve had it,” an irate Bat Boy told The Lint Screen. “Reporters must uphold the highest degree of journalistic standards, or we are little more than knuckle-dragging apes searching for scraps of informational nourishment. We need a viable and vibrant fifth estate for this sacred duty, and if the integrity of the institution is questionable, well, I fear for humanity.”

Bat Boy suddenly lunged forward and drove his sharp fangs deep into the throat of this reporter, who began bleeding profusely.

“Don’t be such a baby,” Bat Boy said. “Get up, tie a tourniquet around your neck and write your damn story. You’re on deadline, man–– you’ve got a job to do. Now go.”

Here’s your story, people, I hope you’re happy. And let’s keep fake news out of the news.

Now, I think I’ll pass out…

Cool cat to crush it on Facebook, wants ‘thumbs up’ signs!

Larry Kolirews has always been his own person.

“Don’t run with the herd, that’s my slogan,” the 56-year-old guitarist and lead singer of Air Supply cover band “Free Luv” told The Lint Screen. But now, he’s finally diving into the modern world by joining the social media revolution.

“I just opened my own Facebook account,” Larry said, as he chilled post-concert with a Michelob Ultra and lime. “And I’ve already made an update. I posted, ‘Rock on!’ And guess what? My first post out of the gate got a couple thumbs up signs, which is really good, right? I’m killing it.”

He laughed and brushed back his hair, then he slowly drew on his vape and exhaled a billow of minty smoke.

The mellow rocker said he resisted joining social media until he was sure it was here to stay. “I’m not one to go out on the ledge, I like to wade my way into the deep waters before jumping in all willy-nilly.”

Larry says that he’s excited about the potential of his Facebook account. “I’m making all kinds of friends with people I went to high school with. I think I may see if I can change some of their political opinions or religious views. It seems like that’s what friends should do, and I came to play in the social media world, baby!”

Welcome, Larry. A big thumb up to you!

Congressional members dealt themselves a winning hand–– immunity from laws of the land!

After yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.

The majority voted itself some sweet new perks, including a salary increase of $10-million per member with full salary paid post retirement, and immunity from any laws. Plus, free Amazon Prime membership for life, a set of front-loading Kenmore Elite washer and dryer, a $10,000 Starbucks gift card, and a sharpened machete and Uzi “to keep the stinking masses at bay.”

“I think we got what we deserved,” Rep. Frank Tumplake of Nevada told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to be working awfully hard on behalf of our constituents for the next two grueling years, and I believe they’d want us to feel valued and fairly compensated for our efforts.”

Rep. Larry Puppetstrings of Arkansas agrees. “We are dedicated lawmakers and as such, we should be exempt from standing laws. These prohibitive measures will put a crimp on our ability to act in the best interests of the people. How can we protect their rights if we have no rights of our own because a bunch of restrictive laws get in the way of us doing our jobs? It’s imperative we operate above the law!”

The Congressional legislation, known as the “Let’s Get It While We Can And No One’s Looking” bill, easily passed on its first ballot.

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