Humor


Regular Joes are loving their newfound wealth

The Republican Party has come to the rescue of everyday working men and women with its generous tax plan.

“President Trump described this tax plan as a big, beautiful Christmas present,” an elated Eddie Russler told The Lint Screen, “but I think it’s even better than that. It’s like Christmas, your birthday, and winning the lottery all rolled into one!”

To celebrate, Russler has purchased a 2018 BMW 5 Series for $67,345. “I paid sticker price,” the 29-year-old insurance claims adjuster said. “Why haggle when I’m about to get my big payday? Hey, we’ve all got to do our parts to get our economy booming!”

Russler said he is also considering leaving his one-bedroom apartment and buying a mansion. “Nothing too outrageous, you know, something in the 12-15,000-sq. ft. range. With my tax cut, I can swing that, no prob.”

The single man who lives in Naperville, Illinois, earns $51,986 annually and is paying off his student loans of $145,000. “I went to a really good school and got my humanities degree, so it was a great investment.”

“I love the fact that the GOP is looking out for regular folks like me,” he said with a broad smile. “They understand how hard it is to get by, and they’re fixing it by giving us a huge tax cut. And this plan will also turbo boost the economy by giving businesses enormous tax cuts so they can give their people big raises, expand their operations and build more buildings, and hire lots more people. I think pretty soon we’ll all be living on easy street! Take that little rocket man!”

Russler giggled with joy. “And best of all, Donald Trump said the tax plan would actually hurt him and all his rich friends. They were all against it. But doggone it, Trump went ahead and did it because he said it was the right thing to do. It warms my heart to know the rich are sacrificing to benefit little guys like me. That’s what I call true American spirit during Christmas! That’s right, I said it–– we won the war on Christmas! God bless us all, everyone!”

The judge is not taking his loss sitting down.

Judge Roy Moore lost his bid to be an Alabama Senator, but he thinks there’s plenty of blame to go around. The angry loser called The Lint Screen and gave us some exclusive quotes:

“By all rights, I should have won. The Big Guy blew it. I put all my faith in God, and He let me down. I don’t hold grudges, but frankly, I expected better from Someone who’s supposed to be all-knowing and powerful.”

“Look, I’ve spent my entire career sucking-up to God. I posted His Commandments everywhere. I told folks He was on my side, and I thought He was. Then this happens. I swear to God, I may start shopping for a new diety.”

“I also got cheated by the liberal media. They paid all those fillies to make up fake stories about me pawing them when they were teenagers. It was all a bunch of lies–– but what do you expect from a bunch of love-starved ladies who were cuter when they were kids? Let me tell you something, they were much hotter when they had fewer miles on them.”

“Steve Bannon was no help, either. That guy smells like a garbage dump in August, and don’t even get me started on his breath. He’s a stink fog machine!”

“Trump didn’t do me any favors. He’s about as popular as a Rabbi with a sharp knife at a foreskin convention.”

“My Jew lawyer let me down, too. I doubt I got any votes because of him. Why, I’ve got half a mind to hire him to sue himself.”

“My wife was also a big problem. Lots of people probably didn’t vote for me because of her. She’s pretty old, you know. I may have to trade her in for a newer model.”

“I especially blame Doug Jones. I don’t know why he had to enter the race in the first place. He should have just dropped out for being a Democrat, then I would have won hands down.”

“It ain’t fair, none of it, but I’m not conceding. There’s no quit in this cowboy!”

The judge defends himself against accusers.

Roy Moore is not going to allow “a gaggle of lying ladies” upset his bid to become an Alabama Senator. He spoke to The Lint Screen earlier today.

“It all a bunch of poppycock,” Moore said, responding to the many allegations of his pursuing underage girls when he was in his thirties. “These women are all coming forward now, decades later, with their wild stories, and they expect voters to believe them? Who do these liars think they are?”

Moore leaned forward in his chair and spoke earnestly. “I do not know these women, have never been with them, and deny all their wild claims. And even if I had done anything to them when they were in their teens, maybe they brought it on themselves. Lots of teen dress real sexy, you know. But I didn’t do anything. That’s all I’m saying. And I have the president of the U.S. of A., Steve Bannon, and the entire Republican National Committee backing me up. So good luck with all your crazy made-up stories, tramps!”

The judge’s face was red. “And if I did sign their yearbooks, maybe they entrapped me, you ever think of that? Maybe they asked me for my autograph and dictated creepy messages they wanted me to write. But that never happened. Those signed yearbooks are obvious forgeries. I am one hundred percent innocent. I go to church, for crying out loud!”

Moore took a deep breath. “All these silly lying ladies were hired by liberals trying to make me look bad. But it not going to work, no sir! Besides, all any voter needs to know is this––Roy Moore is not a Democrat. Case closed.”

Moore stood up. “I gotta go now. School’s out in twenty minutes.”

A visual depiction of the GOP tax plan makes its benefits clear to even the biggest idiots.

The editorial staff of The Lint Screen is not schooled in complex subjects like economics, so we approached Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives, for an explanation of the new GOP Tax Plan.

“It’s quite simple,” Speaker Ryan said. “Our tax plan lessens the tax burden on corporations and the one percent most wealthy Americans. These are the job creators of our economy. With the extra money the companies receive in tax savings, they will hire many more people and give higher salaries and bonuses to their current employees. They’ll probably even throw their employees a big party, with sheet cakes, party favors, and premium ice cream! And the extra money that goes into the pockets and off-shore accounts of super wealthy people, well, that becomes fuel for them to build new factories and hire lots and lots of people. So, the net-net is a win-win! We want to give big tax breaks to the people who will use it best, and then that wealth will trickle down to the little people. It’s like a mama bird feeding her baby chicks.”

Speaker Ryan flashed his baby blues and gave his famous Pepsodent smile as he mopped his sweaty brow. “It’s really just simple economics and common sense,” he said

This reporter questioned why it wouldn’t be better to simply give tax breaks to the lower and middle classes. Speaker Ryan laughed.

“I see you don’t understand economics. If we give commoners tax breaks, they’d just stuff the money into their mattresses, and that does absolutely nothing to create jobs. No, you can’t possibly give money to ordinary workers. That would stall the U.S. economy. Peasants don’t know what’s good for them, but we sure do! Our GOP trickle-down approach is a proven way to really turbo boost the American economy. We project a 20% growth in G.D.P., maybe even as much as 530% growth! It’s very exciting.”

The reporter asked why golf course owners receive a tax break and estate taxes will change to significantly benefit the uber-rich, while taxes will go up for many lower and middle-class people. Ryan became enraged.

“Haven’t you been listening, moron? The job creators need money to create jobs for you bumpkins. How can you have a working class if there’s no work? This interview’s over, I’ve got to go vote so we can help job creators create more jobs, and my team can get some campaign contributions. You idiotic journalists don’t understand a damn thing! Goodbye.”

Speaker Ryan left the room, leaving behind the strong scent of Boss cologne and Vitalis Hair Tonic.

“Want to pass that gravy, punk!”

Our forefathers knew their stuff when they gave citizens “the right to bear arms”, especially during Thanksgiving season.

The NRA has launched a new ad campaign with the theme, “Shut that snowflake up!”

In the TV spot, the scene opens on a traditional family gathering. We see a dozen people gathered around a large table loaded with roast turkey and all the trimmings. As the family finishes their prayer of thanks, the father at the end of the table begins carving the big bird.

DAD: Honey, it all looks and smells incredible!
MOM: Thank you, dear.
UNCLE: Tell you one thing, Obama could never make America great again. He was too busy ruining the country!
DAD: Now, Hank, Obama did do some good things––
UNCLE: Like what? Help Kenya, his homeland?
DAD: Hank, you know that was a false allegation––
UNCLE: Obama’s a terrorist, related to bin Laden, and he destroyed our country from the inside. And Hillary gave Russia all our uranium bombs! I say, lock her up!
DAD: Please, Hank, let’s not talk politics this year––
UNCLE: Oh, so now you want to restrict my right to free speech! What’s next, Gary, you going to take my guns away?!
CUT TO FATHER’S ANXIOUS FACE.
DAD: No, I just…
CUT TO SHOT UNDER THE TABLE WHERE WE SEE HANK’S HAND HOLDING A GLOCK 19. HE MOVES HIS FINGER ON TO THE TRIGGER.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF UNCLE HANK’S ANGRY FACE. FREEZE FRAME. TYPE CRAWLS UP SCREEN AS A BARITONE ANNOUNCER READS.
ANNCR: This Thanksgiving, give thanks for living a country where speech is free… and you have the right to protect yourself and enforce your God-given opinions. Don’t let liberals ruin your holidays.
CUT TO SHOT OF A TURKEY DINNER TABLE SET WITH FIREARMS.
SUPER TITLE: “Shut that snowflake up!”
ANNCR: Come hungry, and come armed. Always be prepared to shut that snowflake up!

FADE TO BLACK.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Republicans are rallying around new catchier names for their tax plan.

Republicans need a win in Washington, and they are hoping their new tax-cutting legislation is the Hail Mary for victory.

Unfortunately, like their various health care bills, it is not popular with voters. Only 36% of voters approve of giving tax cuts to rich people, golf course owners, and large corporations, while many middle and lower income citizens will pay more in taxes.

“Our legislation gives tax breaks to job creators, and the wealth will trickle down all over commoners,” Georgia Rep. “Skeeter” Wessop told The Lint Screen. “It’s a great plan for stimulating the U.S. economy and should be much more popular with the masses. We obviously have a branding problem.”

The lawmaker continued as he wagged a finger. “The president wanted to call it ‘the Cut Cut Cut Tax Plan,’ but we thought that would be too hard to remember. So we’ve changed it to ‘the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act’ because those are two things that everyone should support. But, apparently that’s not getting enough traction in the marketplace, so we’re spitballing some new names.”

Rep. “Skeeter” showed some of the potential new names.

“The Big Tax Cuts And Better Sex Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuttery Plan.”
“The Massive Tax Cuts & Live A Much Longer Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuts, Etc. Plan.”
“The Huge Tax Cuts & Lose Weight Plan.”
“The ‘I-Can’t-Believe-How-Low-My-Taxes-Are!’ Plan.”
“The Tax Slasher Plan.”
“The Much Lower Taxes & Really High Paying Jobs Plan.”

The congressman swelled with pride. “We think we have some really good names here, and we’re going to take them to focus groups and pick a winner. We’re still waiting to hear back from the Koch Brothers and Mercer family for their favorites.”

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