The Lint Screen

“What’d you say? You know I’m a vampire killer…”

Tonight’s the 85th Academy Awards and while 2012 was a pretty terrific year for movies, I hope just one thing–– that Lincoln doesn’t get crowned king.

Yes, Lincoln was a great president but this was not a great movie. It wasn’t bad, mind you, it just didn’t live up to the incessant hype. Let’s just say the emperor has no stovepipe hat and leave it at that.

I still haven’t seen Armour, Beasts of the Southern Wild or Zero Dark Thirty, but have caught all the other nominated films. Of them, I’d pick Silver Linings Playbook for best film. I would also cheer for Argo or Django Unchained as best pic. Just no Lincoln, please!

For best actor, I’d go Joaquin Phoenix in The Master, a desperately under appreciated film. Give me Christoph Waltz for supporting role in Django, and give Quentin his gold statue for writing the original screenplay. For adapted screenplay, David O. Russell deserves the little man for Silver Linings Playbook.

I won’t pick in the other categories since I haven’t seen the majority of the nominees, but please, Academy, let Lincoln be. While this film was not a great moment in cinema, we did have a better time in the theatre than ol’ Abe did.

Would you buy a car from this man?

Not going to review every damn spot. Too much work. Actually want to see this game, so The Lint Screen is going to spotlight most of them, but not all.

Another caveat: haven’t seen any of these spots beforehand, with the exception of the Doritos “Goat” spot (oops!). Didn’t want to get caught up in the hype. Want to see the spots with virgin eyes, in the context of commercial clutter.

Before we get started, Alicia Keys nailed “The Star Spangled Banner”–– amazing. That girl is on fire.

Budweiser introduces some new beer called Black Crown with a spot that has a bunch of hipsters dressed in black and they cheer a new beer for them. Kiss that $4 million goodbye. Pitiful.

Audi has an interesting tale of a guy who goes stag to the prom in his old man’s Audi. It gives him ballsy bravery to park in the principal’s spot and kiss the beautiful prom queen. He drives home with a black eye, and hollers happily. Nice.

Hyundai Sante Fe has a cool spot with a kid getting bullied and rounding up a team of brave compadres to challenge the punks. Engaging and good.

Go Daddy braves new territory by not showing exclusive T&A. No, now they have a fat geek French kissing a beauty. I believe there was supposed to be a strategic reason for this. Something about beauty and brains. Huh?

Pepsi Next has a spot that is awful. Next.

Best Buy gets Amy Poehler and makes her recite an unfunny script. Not a great buy of talent.

Budweiser Black Crown has an obnoxious spot showing the type of obnoxious creeps who’ll drink this stuff. Goth hipsters? No thanks.

Oreos has a terrific spot using the time honored strategy of people arguing on favorite attribute of product. “Cookie” or “Cream”– but this thing is ph-resh with the debate taking place in a library, getting hyper violent but always arguing in whispers. Oh, Weiden & Kennedy, you guys kick super ass. Great spot.

Toyota Rav 4 gives us a genie who misunderstands wishes and a whacky family asking for all sorts of things. It’s a wild ride that tries awfully hard with lots of special effects and overshadows the product. One can almost smell the flop sweat the creatives had trying to score on this.

Doritos has a spot with guys dressing like princesses because the daughter of one of them has a bag od Doritos. Ah, the “Goat” spot is better than this. To repeat, Goat trumps princess. Onward.

Calvin Klein delivers more packages than UPS in a spot showing super fit dudes sporting their guchies. I feel so fat.

Go Daddy has another spot with some strategy and it’s a mess.

Milk has a nice spot with The Rock as he pursues a gallon of moo-juice before saving the world. Hardly a classic in the “Got Milk” campaign, but not bad.

Hyundai has a great spot for Turbo Sonata as it follows all sorts of awful vehicle– everything from nuclear weapons to dripping chemicals to drooling dogs–– then zips past them because “It’s better to be in front.” Very nice.

VW hits the long ball with its Minnesotan businessman who has a happy Jamaican accent and spreads his good cheer. O.K., the fit with VW Beetle is forced, would have been better for Red Stripe, but it’s a memorable spot. Also, best Super Bowl use of a Partridge Family song.

Taco Bell has a hateful spot with old people escaping their retirement home to party and get tatted and raise holy hell. But, the old coots obviously have a death wish– ending their night eating Taco Bell food.

Lincoln has stove pipe hatted 16th prez pimping its sheet metal. Illegal use of political icons.

Someone please give this poor girl a decent song to sing.

My holiday movie bender ended yesterday with a viewing of Les Miserables, a classic story by Victor Hugo published in 1862 and made into a theatrical musical in the 80′s that’s earned a bazillion bucks on stages worldwide. Amazingly, it took Hollywood until now to make the blockbuster musical into a movie.

So, here’s the deal. Fine acting, great costumes, beautiful cinematography, art direction and pretty good singing. But unfortunately, the songs themselves aren’t terribly catchy. A musical should be about music. This production has about three songs with hooks, making the 157 minute running time feel like almost three hours of incessant warbling.

West Side Story this ain’t.

Yeah, yeah, some people are crazy for this show. I never saw a stage production but I imagine the attraction is to the theatrics and not the music. This score is skinny, babes. Jean Valjean would have been better served to steal some catchier tunes.

How to make Tom look big? Cast small, shoot low camera angles.

Life of Pi. No, I didn’t read the book which many describe as a beautiful experience, but this film just didn’t do much for moi. Special effects tiger is cool, some great CGI work, acting is fine, but overall, this Ang Lee extravaganza just wasn’t very moving.

Jack Reacher. Yes, I’ve read over a dozen of the Reacher books and am a huge fan of Lee Child’s heroic ex-MP-drifter-crime-solving-avenger-dispenser-of-justice.

You’re probably thinking the problem is Tom Cruise, who is hardly the 250 lb, 6’5″ tough ass that Jack Reacher is supposed to be, but I’m willing to suspend some disbelief for a good time. Cruise sells it O.K. The real problem is the script and confused plot, and the fact that what makes a Jack Reacher book so fun to read is Lee Child describing how Reacher analyzes and reacts to his world. It’s not done in this movie, there is no interior Jack Reacher life, so it’s just like every other action hero fare–– fistfights, car chases and shootouts. Sorry, but Jack Reacher deserves better.

Hell, we didn’t even get to see his toothbrush– the only thing Jack Reacher packs as he drifts from town to town.

It’s a pity both these movies weren’t better.

Oh boy, looks like trouble’s come to town.

Like Orson Welles, Quentin Tarantino will live in the shadow of an early masterpiece. His Citizen Kane is Pulp Fiction, a movie that like Kane broke so many rules it will stand as enduring art.

Tarantino’s latest film, Django Unchained, is an incredible film that like Inglourious Basterds, is history re-imagined and staged for maximum entertainment. Whereas Steven Spielberg spent his creative energy this year making Lincoln, a well-acted rather dry history lesson (“Don’t go to the theatre, Abe– the play’s not that good!”), Tarantino goes for a fascinating tale driven by unforgettable characters and riveting plot points.

Yes, there’s gratuitous blood and guts, this is Tarantino after all, but it’s the story that makes Django Unchainedsuch a kick. Jamie Foxx is terrific as Django, the slave who becomes a bounty hunter to gain his freedom, but the film really belongs to Christoph Waltz, the German actor who also played “The Jew Hunter” in Inglourious Basterds. Here, he is a dentist/bounty hunter, and his performance is certainly one of the year’s best. He owns every scene he appears in, resplendent facial hair and all.

You’ll also enjoy Leo DiCaprio as a sadistic Mississippi plantation owner, and oh my goodness golly how Samuel L. Jackson delivers an incredibly fun performance as his sycophantic manservant. Ummm ummm ummm, mighty fine acting.

See Lincoln as your civic duty, then treat yourself to Django and set yourself free.

Well-told human stories endure longer than special effects.

So many movies live only in the time they take to be projected. They are light, fluffy entertainment that exist only in the moment. When you rise from your seat, they are left behind like the popcorn kernels on the floor.

This isn’t a bad thing, these films are just momentary entertainment. Escapism with little of substance to take away after they’ve run.

Then there are movies that engage, entertain, confound and confuse at times, and toy with your emotions. They don’t give you all the answers–– they demand that you participate and bring your life to them and think about the story being told and why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do.

These movies plant seeds in your brain and give you something to think about long after the final reel has flickered into darkness. They are the movies that explore the human condition, pique curiosity and encourage thought. They’re human stories, not mega-special-effects-driven wonders. They don’t feed, they nourish.

I love these kinds of films, and here are two candidates for your consideration from a pair of the most compelling and interesting directors working today. First is David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook with stellar performances from Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. It’s a rom-com of a different sort, one that explores characters haunted by fragile mental states and some driven mad through their obsessions. It’s a terrific ride and one that you’ll find yourself thinking about long after the movie has run.

Some pictures and performances live on a long, long time.

Then there is Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master, a film that explores damaged psyches and the art of manipulation. Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams deliver amazing performances worthy of little gold statuettes (as do Cooper and Lawrence).

Russell and Anderson both explore with film for the benefit of self-discovery. No, you won’t always find all the answers, but you will definitely find questions that illuminate.

Both films of these two auteurs (that’s French for ‘artsy-but-not-too-fartsy’) are well worth seeing. Give them a look and see if you don’t agree they’ll be strong Oscar contenders.