The Lint Screen

All right, I did it. I ponied-up the do re mi and went to see “The Three Stooges” movie written and directed by Bobby and Peter Farrelly. And… drumroll please… it was a disappointment.

Oh, I don’t blame the actors. Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos and Will Sasso are fine as the Stooges. Credible enough in looks and taking hammers to noggins, fingers to eyes and fists to guts. You also get Larry David and Jane Lynch playing nuns in full habits, plus Sofía Vergara playing a sexy bombshell (she’s a method actor). Yeah, there’s a lot of talent on the screen but it’s wasted on a weak script and direction.

The Farrelly brothers failed. These guys are uneven. They’ve made sophomoric classics like “Dumb and Dumber”, “There’s Something About Mary” and “Kingpin” (maybe the best Amish bowling movie ever made), and they’ve made “meh” films like “Shallow Hal”, “Fever Pitch” and “Hall Pass”. I propose a brother exchange program. We swap a Coen Brother for a Farrelly brother and see what happens.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Your best sophomoric movie dollar is spent on “21 Jump Street” which delivers some good gags and laughs.

Rarely do movie versions of books live up to their print source material. The Hunger Games movie is a huge disappointment compared to the book.

Suzanne Collins wrote the bestseller book and co-wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster movie. She is to be hailed for the former and partially blamed for the latter. If you did not read the book, don’t bother with the movie. You will be confused and wonder what all the hoopla’s about.

If you read the book, do not see the movie. You will be disappointed.

The book is such a wonderful page-turner, it practically reads itself. The movie somehow makes the same story dull, which is a damn shame because Jennifer Lawrence is so good.

I blame the screenplay and the director. What should have been an incredible cinema experience is pedestrian and feels cheap. It lacks pace, pathos, excitement.

Read the book. Maybe some day Hollywood make a picture worthy of the pages, but for now, save your money.

After shelling out big bucks to see well over a couple dozen movies this past year, it finally struck me–– the big screen is getting trumped by the little one.

The creative output on broadcast television far exceeds the re-hashed plotlines, remakes, kiddie pablum, cookie cutter sequels, artsy-fartsy borefests and special effects-driven mindless fare Hollywood keeps churning out.

Here are 23 great shows you can see on air. Some are subscription based, but many are free, and almost all are available on Netflix or on demand. It’s a feast of storytelling and rich, complex character development.

Get a load of these:
Justified, Falling Skies, Mad Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Luther, Downton Abbey, Weeds, Hell on Wheels, Boardwalk Empire, The Daily Show, Game of Thrones, Louie, Portlandia, Dexter, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Homeland, The Colbert Report, Modern Family, Breaking Bad, The Middle, Treme, Californication and The Walking Dead.

That’s 23 terrific shows, everything from period pieces to fantasy to gritty drama to sharp political satire and commentary to gripping psychological character studies to absurdist humor to family friendly comedy to rich explorations into the human condition.

It’s no wonder some of the sharpest talent in entertainment has gone from the big screen to the smaller one. There is more freedom to create, to develop, to take risks, to tell truly interesting stories and to succeed.

In short, contrary to what our parents always told us, we should all be watching more TV.

Contagion is a very frightening movie. Steven Soderbergh film of a Scott Z. Burns screenplay has a galaxy of stars–– Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Bryan Cranston and Kate Winslet–– without any big special effects or CGI aliens, monsters or exploding cities.

Yet, the film is gripping and terrifying because the simple story is so plausible, believable and frankly expected that this is certainly how the world will react when we get our next great pandemic.

It ain’t going to be pretty, people.

This is an adult movie studded with great performances, interesting camerawork, an innovative soundtrack and some surprising twists. It also has this gem of a line: “Blogging? That’s just graffiti with punctuation.”

Contagion is hardly a feel-good movie, but it’s certainly a movie worth seeing. If you do, please try to refrain from coughing. It will only scare others.

Our Idiot Brother may be the most disappointing movie of the year. It’s chocked with talented, interesting performers– Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Steve Coogan, Emily Mortimer, Rashida Jones and more– yet it muddles around aimlessly trying to decide if it’s shooting for comedy, drama, dramedy, comedrama, morality tale, what exactly?

In the end, it’s an aggravation. The message is that the brother, Ned (Paul Rudd), is too trusting, naive and innocent in this world and that makes him an idiot. Or does it? Hey, maybe the sisters and others who are scrambling so hard to succeed, playacting their way through keeping a happy face, doing whatever needs to be done to get ahead and get their selfish ways… hey, maybe they’re the idiots!

It’s not a bad message, it’s just a story told with no focus and no clear point of view. Blame writers David Schisgall and Evgenia Peretz. Adding to the disappointment, it’s well-shot with good production values. Credit director Jesse Peretz. This film’s a turd that’s been varnished to a fine shine.

How bad is this film? Well, you know how many comedies have bloopers or outtakes at the end rolling during the credits? This film does that trick, but not even the outtakes are funny.

It’s a pity this film ever got made.

Oh, Hollywood, how many times have you tried to throw star power at a project, locked in a grade-A director and spent the GDP of a small country on special effects only to end up with a celluloid turd that’s DOA?

The answer is way too many times. The problem is black and white: the script sucked.

If it’s not on the page, it can’t be on the screen. Poorly developed one-dimensional characters will be just that no matter what mega-watt stars play them.

Case in point– Cowboys & Aliens. We’ve got star power out the wazoo. James Bond and Indiana Jones, for crying out loud– Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. Toss in some sex appeal with Olivia Wilde and terrific actors Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano, all directed by Jon Favreau, and you should have a blockbuster. Nope. Instead it’s a dud. A movie that clocks in at just under two hours and could have easily lost thirty minutes and would have been better if for no other reason than it would have put itself out of its misery sooner.

I won’t bore you with the alleged plot. Suffice to say, like Snakes On A Plane the title is the plot. There’s a gaggle of screenwriters and producers listed in the credits and they all should be ashamed to have wasted so much talent on such a futile fart-in-the-bathtub kind of film.

Next time, maybe start on the page before you blow a bundle bringing it to the screen.