Derek Justice is the leading candidate for top cop post

Now that President Trump has taken out the trash by canning FBI Director James Comey, Washington is abuzz with rumors of his replacement. Sources close to the prez have told The Lint Screen the short list is down to two candidates, and the leader is Derek Justice.

Justice is said to be “ideal, the perfect man for the job,” an anonymous White House insider whispered. “The Attorney General and President have been diligent in finding someone who’ll be independent and enforce the laws of the land. Derek Justice is exactly what his last name suggests–– he’s all about Justice. If selected, all Americans can be confident and sleep well knowing he’ll do an incredible job. He’ll give 110% or better.”

When asked about Mr. Justice’s background and credentials, the source ran outside and hid in the bushes.

Bill O’Reilly is ready for his close-up, and all those beautiful women vying for his attention!

Recently fired hothead ‘no-spinster’ Bill O’Reilly has just been signed by ABC to be “The Bachelor” in the network’s blockbuster show.

“O’Reilly is a hot property,” Frankie Turminder, ABC’s head of programming told The Lint Screen. “With all the scuttlebutt about Bill and the opposite sex, he is natural to be our next Bachelor. If I may get clever for a moment, we believe Bill O’Reilly will quote, make a killing, end quote. You see, that’s a play off the bestselling book series Bill has penned with the word ‘killing’ in their titles. Get it?”

We did. And we contacted Bill O’Reilly himself.

“Listen, pinhead,” he told this reporter. “I’m sick and tired of all these skirts saying I made sexual advances to them. Not true. Complete fabrication. Lies!”

O’Reilly’s face turned red as he began stabbing the air with his index finger and continued. “I want to show everyone that chicks can’t get enough of the Billster. So, I’ve agreed to be The Bachelor, and the world will see what it’s like to be me–– an incredibly handsome, no-B.S. intellectual who every hot mama wants. I’ll prove I’m more than just eye candy for the dames. And when I present my rose to that one lucky broad, you better believe the world will be watching its happiest resident! The one who landed this non-sexist well-mannered bachelor. Now, get out of my face, before I slug you in your stupid pie hole!”

With that, O’Reilly shoved this reporter to the ground, kicked him in the kidney and skull and stormed out of the office.

Watch for Bill O’Reilly on ABC’s The Bachelor!

O’Reilly will not go quietly into the night.

Fox News may have killed Bill O’Reilly, but his gravesite will not be a no-spin zone.

In an exclusive interview with The Lint Screen, the megastar opened up about his mistreatment by Fox. “I made those people billions, billions of dollars over the years, and for that, they give me the bum’s rush out the door?! Unbelievable,” the tall newscaster barked.

“And why? I’ll tell you why–– because I’m too damn good looking, smart as the Dickens, charismatic, charming and irresistible, that’s why. But a bunch of broads said I made sexual advances to them and said inappropriate things, and for that, these cutesy little snowflakes melt, lawyer-up and file lawsuits. Is that what this nation’s become–– a pack of rabid suing crybabies? That’s not my America. No sir!”

O’Reilly claims he is innocent of all charges brought against him. “It’s not my fault Fox decided to pay instead of play. They forked over the cash, and the next thing I know, every girl who ever slipped on some panties accuses me of chasing her skirts. Well, what if it was the other way around? What if I’m the real victim here?!”

O’Reilly then trashed The Lint Screen offices and threw a chair through the window. Then he punched this reporter in the kisser and breadbasket and charged out the door. “I need a goddamn drink,” he was heard saying to himself.

Bar patrons have been warned…

United Airline spokedsman Max “Biggy” Tempraw says new insurance lets passengers know their flight will “be real good.”

United Airlines has had its share of troubles recently, but the company today announced a proactive measure to “get some positive spin and shut the pieholes of crybabies,” according to Max “Biggy” Tempraw, a spokesman.

The large man told The Lint Screen “the company’s going to play real nice and we’ll be delighted to sell any scared passenger some protection because it’d be a real shame if something terrible happened, you know? But, if you’re astute and pay, you know your flight’s going to be good. Real good.”

“Biggy” smiled, and his front gold-capped tooth reflected the sunlight. “I hope passengers are smart enough to buy themselves some protection. I’d just hate to see something awful transpire on one of our flights. That’d be very unfortunate.”

Mr. Tempraw said the price for insurance “will vary depending on passenger size and ability to be an earner.”

White House says “Over 100 million Americans viewed President Trump’s inauguration

January 20, 2017, will go down in history as the date Donald J. Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America, and also “the day more proud Americans assembled to witness a tremendous moment and new chapter in the glorious history of human life on Earth, the absolute best planet in the universe!”

The White House today issued a press release heralding President Trump’s inauguration crowd as being witnessed “by one-in-three Americans live and in-person. An enormous crowd, an incredible crowd that would make your head spin. A mass of humanity that made Woodstock look like a small gathering of friends.”

The release was sent to The Lint Screen and other news sources as “irrefutable proof the fake news sources that reported President Trump’s crowd was not as large as President Obama’s inauguration were dead wrong.”

According to careful scientific analysis of photographs taken of the crowd, the press release states “over 100 million Americans attended President Trump’s inauguration. Easily the largest crowd in history and the vast majority of people had pride swelling in their hearts and patriotic lumps in their throats because our nation would finally have a strong business leader with an excellent brain who would make America great again and build a big, beautiful wall to keep bad hombres out and fantastic paying jobs in and open for U.S. citizens. The country finally had someone in the White House who would act very presidential and start America winning again!”

The press release stated that the Department of Education will issue an edict that all American history books be reprinted and feature the “record-setting Trump Inauguration crowd as historical fact and evidence against all fake news that might report otherwise.”

The latest formula from America’s most popular suds-maker contains clean coal!

Get ready, America, to get your clothes clean–– clean coal clean!

Today, Tide, the nation’s most popular detergent brand, introduces a revolutionary formula that uses clean coal to do as the launch advertising campaign says and “get clothes clean coal clean!”

“Tide has always been at the leading edge of clean technology,” said Randall Jeckler, a senior product engineer with the company. “We finally figured out how to harness the incredible cleaning power of clean coal and put it into our famous Tide formula. The results are amazing!”

Indeed. “Bucky” Tadwarren with the Clean Coal Institute worked closely with the company in the development of the new formula. “Clean Coal is what makes America great,” he said. “We couldn’t be happier it’s found its way into America’s laundry.”

Both men smiled as they told The Lint Screen about product tests. “In our consumer testing, there was only one small kink with using Tide with Clean Coal–– some people coughed black phlegm after wearing their clothes,” said Mr. Jeckler.

“That’s no big deal,” continued Mr. Tadwarren. “It’s just a sign that clean coal is working hard to clean.”

“Although the whites can appear somewhat gray, we’re sure people are going to love the April fresh clean coal aroma it gives clothes,” Mr. Jeckler added.

Look for the new product at your neighborhood grocery store.

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