Cool cat to crush it on Facebook, wants ‘thumbs up’ signs!

Larry Kolirews has always been his own person.

“Don’t run with the herd, that’s my slogan,” the 56-year-old guitarist and lead singer of Air Supply cover band “Free Luv” told The Lint Screen. But now, he’s finally diving into the modern world by joining the social media revolution.

“I just opened my own Facebook account,” Larry said, as he chilled post-concert with a Michelob Ultra and lime. “And I’ve already made an update. I posted, ‘Rock on!’ And guess what? My first post out of the gate got a couple thumbs up signs, which is really good, right? I’m killing it.”

He laughed and brushed back his hair, then he slowly drew on his vape and exhaled a billow of minty smoke.

The mellow rocker said he resisted joining social media until he was sure it was here to stay. “I’m not one to go out on the ledge, I like to wade my way into the deep waters before jumping in all willy-nilly.”

Larry says that he’s excited about the potential of his Facebook account. “I’m making all kinds of friends with people I went to high school with. I think I may see if I can change some of their political opinions or religious views. It seems like that’s what friends should do, and I came to play in the social media world, baby!”

Welcome, Larry. A big thumb up to you!

Congressional members dealt themselves a winning hand–– immunity from laws of the land!

After yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.

The majority voted itself some sweet new perks, including a salary increase of $10-million per member with full salary paid post retirement, and immunity from any laws. Plus, free Amazon Prime membership for life, a set of front-loading Kenmore Elite washer and dryer, a $10,000 Starbucks gift card, and a sharpened machete and Uzi “to keep the stinking masses at bay.”

“I think we got what we deserved,” Rep. Frank Tumplake of Nevada told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to be working awfully hard on behalf of our constituents for the next two grueling years, and I believe they’d want us to feel valued and fairly compensated for our efforts.”

Rep. Larry Puppetstrings of Arkansas agrees. “We are dedicated lawmakers and as such, we should be exempt from standing laws. These prohibitive measures will put a crimp on our ability to act in the best interests of the people. How can we protect their rights if we have no rights of our own because a bunch of restrictive laws get in the way of us doing our jobs? It’s imperative we operate above the law!”

The Congressional legislation, known as the “Let’s Get It While We Can And No One’s Looking” bill, easily passed on its first ballot.

Old man 2016 is trying to stretch the clock!

Talk about overstaying your welcome–– the year 2016 has officially filed with the universe for an extension. The formal request states that 2016 would serve all of 2017’s term, then retire and allow 2018 to serve.

“If this extension is granted,” said a universe representative, “it would be unprecedented. The only other known extension request was made by the year 1347 on the grounds that it was on roll with its deadly bubonic plague, having killed a third of the world’s population and wishing to finish the job. The request was denied and 1348 was granted a year of life. 1347 crawled off into the corner, and rats ate it.”

The world’s population is spitting angry about 2016’s extension request. “This damn year has to go away,” said Charlie McIntreely of Naperville, Illinois. “It’s been awful, one of the worst years ever! I mean, except for the Cubbies, but that’s about it. Rest of the year sucked.”

Aunjanue Cancienne of Biarritz, France agrees. “I hate 2016. I’d rather have the bubonic plague than a longer 2016, I think it’d be less painful and I wouldn’t have to throw up in disgust as much.”

And down under, there’s also an undercurrent of anger. “It’d be bloody awful if 2016 continued past December 31,” Malcolm Brindabella of Perth, Australia told The Lint Screen. “I’m pissed. This year can’t be over soon enough. I’d like to get a pillow and snuff this year in its sleep. Die already, 2016! Die!”

Let’s see what the universe decides. Hold off on buying that 2017 calendar just yet…

Santa says he’s had enough of the “being jolly crap.

Christmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!

In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North Pole and declared he would not be traveling this year on Christmas eve delivering presents “to all the good little boys and girls.”

“Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s in it for me? A whole lot of nothing but pain and the potential for food poisoning!”

Santa appears exhausted and upset as he pours himself four fat fingers of Wild Turkey into a crystal tumbler.

“I’ve had a hell of a run, you know,” he said in a silky bourbon baritone. “I’ve listened to millions of spoiled, greedy kids pestering me for toys and whatnot–– like my elves are their personal slaves. I’ve listened to the thankless brats and smiled, but God, I’ve had enough of the this being jolly crap. Parents, you made the monsters, you get them whatever they want from Amazon or wherever and tell ’em it’s from me! Let Jeff Bezos, UPS and FedEx deliver the loot! You think I like smelling reindeer cracks? I’ve had it; I’m done. Me and the misses are Netflix and chillin’. Hey, if I don’t deserve a Christmas break, who the hell does?”

With that, Santa tossed back his tumbler and guzzled his Turkey. He reached for the bottle and poured himself another stiff one. “Merry Christmas, dammit! And to all a goodnight!”

World, be forewarned–– you’re on your own this Christmas.

Geekski Squad spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff gives inside report of new enterprise.

Capitalizing on its success in hacking political email accounts, a new Russian enterprise has been launched in the United States.

Called Geekski Squad, the tech services company will be affiliated with Best Buy stores.

“Are proud to be in U.S.,” company spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff told The Lint Screen. “Believe we offer capitalist citizens best tech services with deep knowledge of hacking and tech. Also offer poisoning service for elimination of enemies. Convenient payment plans available.”

When asked if Geekski Squad will replace Geek Squad, Comrade Kyzmanokoff lit a Sobranie cigarette and spoke in a low measured voice. “Most unfortunate accident have Geek Squad. All people dead. Too bad. New company needed, Best Buy hire Geekski Squad. We also help them sell insurance for products. All good now.” The Russian thrust out his hand and gave a thumbs-up sign as he attempted smiling.

Kyzmanokoff said the company is in the process of reviewing ad agencies to handle its marketing account and looks forward to expanding throughout North America.

Trump Tweet fears are fueling the aggressive social media preparations of world leaders.

Prepare the safe room and stock the bomb shelter, come January 20, you may need to take cover!

With the election of Donald J. Trump as President, the United States faces dangers never before imagined. “It’s going to be a different world,” confessed a Trump insider.

Trump has a reputation for his powerful and deadly Twitter strikes that consume the news media and can send financial markets reeling. World leaders have taken notice and are making significant preparations to ready themselves. A CIA insider spoke to The Lint Screen on the condition of remaining anonymous and receiving a Grande nonfat Starbucks latte and a blueberry scone.

“We’ve been receiving numerous reports globally of actions being taken by bad actors,” the source said. “Ouch, that latte’s scorching. Better let it cool down. Anyway, we’re hearing reports our enemies are taking extreme measures to counteract potential Trump Twitter attacks.”

The tipster said Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaida’s top leader, has recruited a Twitter specialist “known for his razor-sharp wit and nasty aggressiveness.” Likewise, North Korea’s god, Kim Jong-un, has assembled a team of Twitter sharp shooters with thumbs a-blazing. “We’re hearing the Kimster has been blowing smoke about some pre-emptive Twitter strikes against the Donald, but to date, we have no confirmation. If that’s true, it could get real ugly real fast. Potentially we’re looking at the prospect of a Tweet war of biblical proportion.”

Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, is not only bolstering his Twitter capabilities but is also exploring other ‘nuclear’ options. “We have it on good authority that the bearded wonder is exploring an aggressive use of Snapchat and Pinterest, which could be a whole new ballgame. Our country is only now beginning to explore those social media weapons.”

There are no confirmed reports of actions taken by Russia’s boy toy leader, Vladimir Putin, although rumors say his relationship toward the U.S. is softening.

“We’ve heard through back channels there may be an attempt by the Russian Leader to make a Facebook friend request of DJT,” said the CIA source as he attempted a sip of his latte. “Ah, that’s much better. We’re taking a wait and see approach, but a friend request would be huge for the relationship of our countries and could even spur some ‘likes.'”

Even U.S. allies are showing some concern of Trump Twitter strikes. “We have it on good authority that Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel is exploring the use of Instagram in protecting her country’s interests,” the CIA blabbermouth said in his disgusting coffee breath. “Suffice to say, it’s going to be a brave new world come January 20th.”

Indeed it will be.

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