Look who’s Secretary of State, bitches!

Leave it to this White House to keep things interesting!

In an exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has learned Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will soon be named the new Secretary of State, replacing Rex Tillerson.

A sneaky, loose-lipped White House insider (whose father has run for president) confessed, “President Trump is fed up with Tillerson. After it was reported he called the president a ‘moron’, the president looked that word up in the dictionary and became outraged. Moron is not a complimentary word!”

The leaker continued her confidential disclosure (hint: her father is from Arkansas, plays bass, and has the initials “MH”). “President Trump has lost confidence in Tillerson. He’s old, low energy with no sex appeal, and frankly, has had miserable low ratings. The president wants to take decisive action to correct that. He believes The Situation has the kind of charisma and sexy heat that will get huge ratings and capture the world’s attention. The Situation did great things for the ratings of Jersey Shore, he can do the same for our country–– and that will definitely make America great again.”

Ms. Blabbermouth then disclosed that the president is considering more reality TV stars for his cabinet.”He’s focused on leadership, and thinks a Kardashian, Simon Cowell, Snooki, or Gordon Ramsay could really turbo-boost ratings for this administration and our great nation.”

Stay tuned!

Wayne LaPierre preaches to the heavily armed choir.

In the aftermath of the Las Vegas tragedy, the National Rifle Association is proposing a solution–– more arms, and more firepower!

Yesterday, Wayne LaPierre, Jr., Exec. V.P. of the NRA addressed a national convention of members and said the recent mass murder could have easily been avoided.

“When you have a bad guy with a stockpile of high-powered weapons and ammo, you need some serious firepower,” LaPierre told the capacity crowd. “You can’t bring a handgun to a semiautomatic rifle modified to fire like an automatic weapon fight. That’s just common sense, people! Any idiot knows that.”

LaPierre told his assembly the problem is restrictive guns laws in the United States. “We need the right to bear nuclear arms. It’s what our forefathers would want. Had people in Vegas had some nuclear bombs, they could have easily neutralized the bad guy in no time flat!”

The crowd cheered as LaPierre continued.

“Our weak-kneed politicians need to stand up for our sacred second amendment rights. It’s outrageous that we’re allowing unconstitutional laws to inhibit our right to bear arms–– ALL arms, including nuclear ones. How are you supposed to protect yourself if little rocket man breaks into your house? Write and call your politicians today and demand your God-given rights! We can do this, it’s the logical thing to do.”

In celebration, the crowd raised their handguns into the air and fired them as the reporter from The Lint Screen ran away screaming.

The Skipper finally has a heart-to-heart with his pal.

A three-hour cruise resulted in a never-ending hell for Gilligan, The Skipper, too, the millionaire and his wife, a movie star, the Professor and Mary Ann.

The fateful trip started at a tropic port on April 17, 1967, aboard a tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man, the Skipper brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three-hour tour.

A three-hour tour.

The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Minnow would be lost.

The Minnow would be lost.

The Castaways landed in a tropic island nest. No phones, no lights, no motor cars–– not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, it’s primitive as can be.

And today, after fifty long, excruciatingly painful years, The Skipper finally pulled his first mate aside and told him the truth.

“Gilligan,” he said, “we’re never going to be saved. We’re on an island. It’s surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. Trucks can’t drive here. In short, little buddy, we’re screwed! Totally screwed.”

Gilligan sobbed, and then the brave men drowned their sorrows in coconut liquor.

Trump takes full credit for golf competition lead.

At the end of a typical day, the offices of The Lint Screen are littered with empty bourbon, rye, and gin bottles, overflowing ashtrays, and crumpled fedoras planted with cards reading PRESS.

In this setting, the calm after covering another hurly-burly day of news, our main phone line rang. “Scoop” Jipson answered.

“Yallo,” he barked.
“Is this The Lint Screen?” a familiar voice asked.
“You called on your dime–– what do you think, weisenheimer?”
“Listen up, this is your president, Donald J. Trump!”
“You don’t say…”
“I do say, smart ass, and I’ll have you thrown in prison, beaten and have your tongue yanked out if you don’t show some proper respect immediately.”
“Okay. Why you on the blower to Lint?”
“I want your readers to know that the U.S. golfers are decimating the international team in the Presidents Cup, and it’s all thanks to me.”
“How you figure, champ?”
“Who’s the president? I am.”
“And with my leadership, our golfers are playing better than ever. Leading 8-2 after two rounds. Biggest lead ever. Historic lead. Incredible lead. And no players taking knees. All thanks to me.”
“Yes, really! I saw those bums Clinton, Bush, and Obama at the Presidents Cup on Thursday, smiling and joking, trying to take credit. Very sad.”
“It’s not called the ex-Presidents Cup–– it’s The PRESIDENTS Cup, and I am the President. I won in a landslide, even with twenty million illegal voting for Hillary. I am the President, me! I have business cards, a nameplate on my desk, and the largest inaugural crowd in history to prove it!”
“And how you figure you get the credit for the big lead in a golf tournament?”
“The golfers are playing tremendous golf thanks to me making America great again. Big beautiful wall, miracle middle-class tax cuts, incredible, cheap healthcare for all, clean coal and cheap fuel, huge stock market gains, low unemployment, breaking bad deals, uniting Americans–– a lot of good people on all sides, I’m working on middle east peace, too, and almost got it figured out! So, you see? Life in America has never been better thanks to me. And that makes golfers play better.”
“That’s your story, huh?”
“Absolutely. And, look, although I’m a humble man, I think it’s obvious I am the greatest president America’s ever had, and the performance of our golfers in the Presidents Cup–– MY CUP–– prove that. Believe me.”
“Okay, I guess we’ll do a story.”
“You better. Don’t make me Tweet you…”
“Got it. Done deal.”
“Another deal done, thanks to me. Trump is the best!”

And, dial tone.

Tom Price received special services on private flights.

United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price recently came under attack for taking 26 private jet trips costing over $300,000 at the expense of U.S. taxpayers, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On these same flights, Price demanded Dom Perignon Champagne enemas, six tins of Beluga Sturgeon Caviar, and four cans of Pringle’s Salsa de Chile Habanero Potato Crisps.

“This is absolutely outrageous,” Rep. Gary Blowdenner of Oklahoma bellyached to The Lint Screen. “Why’s this guy demanding fancy flavored Pringle’s? What–– regular Lay’s or Wise Chips aren’t good enough for mister high and mighty? No, apparently he needs his potato snacks to stack all nice and neat! The taxpayers are getting soaked by Price for all his special treatment.” Blowdenner spat on the ground and adjusted his belt before continuing his rant.

“If Price was flying commercial, like Joe and Jane Six Pack, he’d only get a lousy little packet of stale pretzels. His la-di-da behavior is criminal!”

There was no comment from HHS Price’s office. An official statement said he “was in the bathroom.”

Chess players called “pathetic and unpatriotic” by prez.

President Donald J. Trump is on a tear!

First, he picked battles with the NBA, then the NFL, and now he’s hating on The United States Chess Federation.

Trump took to Twitter this morning: “Was told chess players don’t play our National Anthem before games. Disgraceful. Pathetic and unpatriotic. All should be fired IMMEDIATELY!”

Four minutes later, Trump Tweeted again: “Think it’s horrible some chess players use black pieces. Black is evil. Darth Vadar dressed in black. Outlaws in west wore black hats.”

Two minutes later, he sent another Tweet: “Only way to fight evil black is more good guys in white hats with guns. MAGA!”

Following his Tweet tantrum, there was outrage Trump was being racist and promoting violence. “That’s preposterous,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Ben Carson is in President Trump’s cabinet, and he is black.”

Six minutes later, Trump tweeted “Love the blacks.”

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