Mon 9 Apr 2012

Hungry For More

Posted by admin under Rants and Raves, Reviews
[4] Comments

Her aim is true, unfortunately the film misses big time

Rarely do movie versions of books live up to their print source material. The Hunger Games movie is a huge disappointment compared to the book.

Suzanne Collins wrote the bestseller book and co-wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster movie. She is to be hailed for the former and partially blamed for the latter. If you did not read the book, don’t bother with the movie. You will be confused and wonder what all the hoopla’s about.

If you read the book, do not see the movie. You will be disappointed.

The book is such a wonderful page-turner, it practically reads itself. The movie somehow makes the same story dull, which is a damn shame because Jennifer Lawrence is so good.

I blame the screenplay and the director. What should have been an incredible cinema experience is pedestrian and feels cheap. It lacks pace, pathos, excitement.

Read the book. Maybe some day Hollywood make a picture worthy of the pages, but for now, save your money.

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Thu 5 Apr 2012

Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[6] Comments

"Hello, citizen, let's get to know you better!"

The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

“I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

“We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

“I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

“I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

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Thu 29 Mar 2012

Pollywog, Stilts & Salt Water Taffy Trust Fund Money To Enter Political Fray

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[18] Comments

The Turley Sisters are out to make it a competitive race!

When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas.

The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100 wealthiest families, have decided to form a Super PAC because “they don’t trust that liberal Hudsinger couple to do right by God-fearin’ folks. They dress in far too revealing a manner and appear to have no earthly control over their ravenous libidos. The Hudsingers shant taint the political waters with their wantonness ways,” said a Turley family spokesperson.

The Turly fortune was made by great grandfather Augustus Turley who revolutionized retail with his Turly Pollywog, Stilts & Saltwater Taffy Emporium in 1892. His retail empire spread like wildfire on fire and soon every American city with a population over 10 had a Turley Emporium. With a fortune amassed, the Turley empire eventually crumbled as Americans lost interest in baby frogs, height enhancing sticks and salty confections.

“The Turley family has always believed in good clean living,” said a spokesperson, “and the Turley Sisters will not allow political libertines like Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger to pollute the purity of our nation’s soul.”

It is rumored the Turley Sisters are holding extensive interviews with all nonhuman candidates before deciding on where to put their Super PAC money support.

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Thu 22 Mar 2012

Money Floodgates Ready To Bust

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[16] Comments

Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger's big money is about to come raining down this election season.

The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.

“Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”

The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.

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Wed 14 Mar 2012

Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[8] Comments

Is this the future that Santy Paws promises humanity?


Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws.

A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants to kill all men and women with his recent proposal to have all humans ‘fixed.’ While this will not kill humanity immediately, it will prevent future generations from being born, thus ending the human species. Ms. Pickles believes this would be tragic since human beings are a species she puts in her top 10 favorite species list. This premeditated genocide shows the contempt and hatred that Santy Paws has for humans. Ms. Pickles believes that a candidate determined to wipe out its electorate would not be a good president, whereas she has always had great respect and admiration for people– especially when they give her treats or help pick lice off her back.”

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Sun 11 Mar 2012

Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[5] Comments

Is Santy Paws out to help humans or out for revenge?

Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

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