United Airline spokedsman Max “Biggy” Tempraw says new insurance lets passengers know their flight will “be real good.”

United Airlines has had its share of troubles recently, but the company today announced a proactive measure to “get some positive spin and shut the pieholes of crybabies,” according to Max “Biggy” Tempraw, a spokesman.

The large man told The Lint Screen “the company’s going to play real nice and we’ll be delighted to sell any scared passenger some protection because it’d be a real shame if something terrible happened, you know? But, if you’re astute and pay, you know your flight’s going to be good. Real good.”

“Biggy” smiled, and his front gold-capped tooth reflected the sunlight. “I hope passengers are smart enough to buy themselves some protection. I’d just hate to see something awful transpire on one of our flights. That’d be very unfortunate.”

Mr. Tempraw said the price for insurance “will vary depending on passenger size and ability to be an earner.”

White House says “Over 100 million Americans viewed President Trump’s inauguration

January 20, 2017, will go down in history as the date Donald J. Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America, and also “the day more proud Americans assembled to witness a tremendous moment and new chapter in the glorious history of human life on Earth, the absolute best planet in the universe!”

The White House today issued a press release heralding President Trump’s inauguration crowd as being witnessed “by one-in-three Americans live and in-person. An enormous crowd, an incredible crowd that would make your head spin. A mass of humanity that made Woodstock look like a small gathering of friends.”

The release was sent to The Lint Screen and other news sources as “irrefutable proof the fake news sources that reported President Trump’s crowd was not as large as President Obama’s inauguration were dead wrong.”

According to careful scientific analysis of photographs taken of the crowd, the press release states “over 100 million Americans attended President Trump’s inauguration. Easily the largest crowd in history and the vast majority of people had pride swelling in their hearts and patriotic lumps in their throats because our nation would finally have a strong business leader with an excellent brain who would make America great again and build a big, beautiful wall to keep bad hombres out and fantastic paying jobs in and open for U.S. citizens. The country finally had someone in the White House who would act very presidential and start America winning again!”

The press release stated that the Department of Education will issue an edict that all American history books be reprinted and feature the “record-setting Trump Inauguration crowd as historical fact and evidence against all fake news that might report otherwise.”

The latest formula from America’s most popular suds-maker contains clean coal!

Get ready, America, to get your clothes clean–– clean coal clean!

Today, Tide, the nation’s most popular detergent brand, introduces a revolutionary formula that uses clean coal to do as the launch advertising campaign says and “get clothes clean coal clean!”

“Tide has always been at the leading edge of clean technology,” said Randall Jeckler, a senior product engineer with the company. “We finally figured out how to harness the incredible cleaning power of clean coal and put it into our famous Tide formula. The results are amazing!”

Indeed. “Bucky” Tadwarren with the Clean Coal Institute worked closely with the company in the development of the new formula. “Clean Coal is what makes America great,” he said. “We couldn’t be happier it’s found its way into America’s laundry.”

Both men smiled as they told The Lint Screen about product tests. “In our consumer testing, there was only one small kink with using Tide with Clean Coal–– some people coughed black phlegm after wearing their clothes,” said Mr. Jeckler.

“That’s no big deal,” continued Mr. Tadwarren. “It’s just a sign that clean coal is working hard to clean.”

“Although the whites can appear somewhat gray, we’re sure people are going to love the April fresh clean coal aroma it gives clothes,” Mr. Jeckler added.

Look for the new product at your neighborhood grocery store.

Caitlyn is coming to the rescue of Kendall!

Like a juicy steak to a black eye, Pepsi is looking to ease the pain of its recent Kendall Jenner ad fiasco, and today announced it is filming a new video and TV spot featuring her parent, Caitlyn Jenner.

“We are going to show the world we feel its pain,” Matt Griggob, Pepsi spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to tell another compelling story in which effervescent and always refreshing Pepsi helps people live bolder, live louder, live for now! We think no one embodies the Pepsi spirit better than Caitlyn. The story will be provocative, and accessible in a hip, relevant, appealing way to the younger CSD consumer market. They’ll light up their social media with positive chatter! After people see our new Caitlyn work and have their worlds rocked, they’ll forget Kendall completely. We’ll prove that you can’t send a girl to do a man’s job.”

The Pepsi spokesman was then quickly ushered away.

Be on the look-out for new Pepsi work!

Sexy new tech anticipates danger and douses itself!

Yesterday, Samsung officially unveiled its latest smartphone, the Galaxy S8, and it’s a corker!

Following the embarrassment of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s tendency to catch fire, the latest model addresses that possibility in an ingenious way. “It self-extinguishes,” beamed lead product designer Ramsey Leirom.

The tech wizard told The Lint Screen the thinking behind the new phone.

“The previous model would occasionally burst into flames, which, after doing some extensive consumer testing, we found was an issue for many people. Apparently getting burned was a problem, so we had to address that. We explored selling a companion asbestos glove for the S8, and then we found out there are a lot of bothersome environmental regulations restricting the use of asbestos. That was a nonstarter! So, we designed a self-extinguishing feature. When the S8 ignites, it’s able to douse itself, putting the fire out and leaving a user’s hand virtually unburned. We also incorporated technology that instantly triggers a call to the local fire department in case they’re needed. We believe this radical new phone technology will sell like crazy–– or, as our launch ad campaign says, ‘They’re selling like hotcakes!’ That’s very clever, right! Hot-cakes!”

Right!

The doctor will see America now!

As Republican members of Congress scramble to try and save their health care bill called the American Health Care Act, it looks dead on arrival.

But, it’s not over yet, The Lint Screen has learned.

After conferring behind closed doors, Speaker of The House Paul Ryan introduced new legislation called “The Tremendous Healthcare Plan For All Americans Act.”

The bill promises all Americans “terrific healthcare and medical attention second to none. The best!” In the plan, the entire country will receive all its healthcare provided by President Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

“We heard America loud and clear,” said Speaker Ryan. “Americans want tremendous coverage and low costs. And with our new and improved plan, they’ll get it! By centralizing all medical procedures with one high-skilled, first-rate expert physician, we’ll be able to deliver consistent healthcare to every citizen in an efficient and affordable manner.”

The Speaker smiled and said he had to rush to the Congressional floor to lead the voting on the new proposed legislation.

You’re all better now, America!

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