Thu 1 Mar 2012

Granite Promises Sex Registry

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
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Will America embrace a sex registry? Granite thinks so!

With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.

In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.

In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”

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Wed 22 Feb 2012

Pickles Claims Watson Is Satan

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
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Could the super computer really be The Big Evil? One monkey thinks so.

With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.”

The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman who read a prepared statement as the spirited primate jumped around on stage and threw mud and feces at a picture of Watson. Many pundits credited Ms. Pickles for her restraint as the accusations were made.

“Ms. Pickles is a class act,” said Bernie Smidlapp, a seasoned political pundit. “Most candidates would go overboard when claiming another candidate is Satan, the evil one, Beelzebub, the lord of darkness, Lucifer. But not Ms. Pickles. Her response was measured and controlled. I think swing voters will be impressed.”

The only report from the Watson campaign camp was that the super computer “would be programmed to pray for the obviously mentally ill monkey.”

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Wed 15 Feb 2012

Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
[10] Comments

What to do, what to do?

In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

“People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

Hmmm, could be. Maybe.

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Fri 3 Feb 2012

Watson Releases Tax Return

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
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Accountant reviews Watson's tax return.

After weeks of speculations about his incredible wealth and accusations of being elite, nonhuman presidential candidate super duper computer, Watson, today released his income tax returns.

The 11,318 page tax return showed that the brainiac binary box had income of $636,864,321.90 in 2010 and paid an effective tax rate of 1.246%. A fraction of Watson’s income was earned playing Jeopardy, but a large portion came from playing slot machines in Las Vegas, winning various bar bets, tapping into the Federal Reserve’s computer system and “being lucky enough to find money on the street.”

“This should put to bed for once and for all the fact that my candidate is out of touch with the American people because he is a computer and fabulously wealthy,” said Watson campaign spokesman, C. Wendall Snooty Airs, IV.

“Watson is just like the common working man or woman. He’s Joe Six Pack, Larry Lunchpail, Carl Commoner all wrapped into one. He works hard, pays his fair share of taxes and wants to live the American dream. Elect Watson president and you’ll see, America– he’s one of us! Now then, who here in the press corps would like to repair to the bar for a snifter of Courvoisier L’Esprit and a relaxing Cohiba Behike?”

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Fri 20 Jan 2012

Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

Posted by admin under 2012 Election Brouhaha, Humor
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Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.

Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

“As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”

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Tue 17 Jan 2012

“And The Oscar Goes To… Television!”

Posted by admin under Rants and Raves, Reviews
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Timothy Olyphant as Deputy U.S. Marshall Raylan Givens in "Justified" demands your attention.

After shelling out big bucks to see well over a couple dozen movies this past year, it finally struck me–– the big screen is getting trumped by the little one.

The creative output on broadcast television far exceeds the re-hashed plotlines, remakes, kiddie pablum, cookie cutter sequels, artsy-fartsy borefests and special effects-driven mindless fare Hollywood keeps churning out.

Here are 23 great shows you can see on air. Some are subscription based, but many are free, and almost all are available on Netflix or on demand. It’s a feast of storytelling and rich, complex character development.

Get a load of these:
Justified, Falling Skies, Mad Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Luther, Downton Abbey, Weeds, Hell on Wheels, Boardwalk Empire, The Daily Show, Game of Thrones, Louie, Portlandia, Dexter, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Homeland, The Colbert Report, Modern Family, Breaking Bad, The Middle, Treme, Californication and The Walking Dead.

That’s 23 terrific shows, everything from period pieces to fantasy to gritty drama to sharp political satire and commentary to gripping psychological character studies to absurdist humor to family friendly comedy to rich explorations into the human condition.

It’s no wonder some of the sharpest talent in entertainment has gone from the big screen to the smaller one. There is more freedom to create, to develop, to take risks, to tell truly interesting stories and to succeed.

In short, contrary to what our parents always told us, we should all be watching more TV.

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