Entries tagged with “Afghanistan”.

Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.

Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.

The population of Afghanistan turned out in droves today in a special election to abolish purple ink in the country.

“We’re sick and tired of dipping our index finger in the stuff after we vote,” said an irate Afghan man, age 58, who ironically had to dip his finger into purple ink after casting his vote. “The stupid stuff stains the index finger, and no amount of scrubbing can remove the unsightly purple stain it leaves behind. Makes us look like a bunch of Minnesota Vikings fans, or stupid supporters of Barney the dinosaur. It’s disgusting!”

A young Afghanistan woman agreed. “I don’t know why we have to live in such appalling conditions. It seems other countries can vote without dipping, why can’t we? The ink does a number on my cuticle. And purple is such an awful color to accessorize. Enough already!”

Even with so many stating their displeasure, there is speculation that the election is rigged and that the tradition of purple ink-dipping will continue. “The Taliban has the purple ink market cornered,” said an insider who wished to remain anonymous to maintain his ability to breathe. “Purple dipping represents a huge business for the Taliban. That, heroin, and cotton candy sales.”

General McCrystal was not as tight-lipped as he appeared to be.

In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.

“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”