Entries tagged with “Akron”.

Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

“The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

LeBron to lift spirits of new fans!

As the world waits on his big decision, The Lint Screen has learned basketball megastar LeBron James will announce his decision tonight to forego the offers from pro teams in favor of Ursuline High School in Youngstown, Ohio.

If true, this could shake the entire foundation of civilization as we know it, or certainly, the progression of athletes through school systems to professional franchises.

“LeBron knows he can play absolutely anywhere,” said the unnamed source close to him, “but his favorite time playing ball was with St. Vincent–St. Mary High School in Akron. He wants to go back to go forward again. And Ursuline High came through with a package that is going to be hard for anyone else to beat. I mean, it’s sugar-with-honey-and-artificial-sweetener good! Yamma yamma zowee!”

Officials at Ursuline did not return phone calls, so this rumor must be true. Tune in to ESPN tonight and let’s find out! Soon, Ursuline fans may be riding higher than LeBron.