Entries tagged with “Amazon”.

The diabolical one demands cities prove their worthiness.

Jeff Bezos, the mastermind behind retail behemoth Amazon, is delighted with the communities vying to become the second headquarters for his brainchild.

“238 North American communities lusted after us,” a smug Bezos told The Lint Screen. “We’re dangling 50,000 high-paying jobs, so they dropped their pants and detailed the tax breaks, land, perks, and concessions they’d give to get us. I’ve narrowed the list to 20 finalists and now the real fun begins!”

Bezos described the next stage of the selection process as The Plunder Games. “It will be highly competitive, vicious, and hopefully, very bloody. I want to see how badly each city wants my business.”

The company has designed a bracket system pairing off the 20 finalist cities and having them “fight to the death proving their worthiness.”

For example, Atlanta will battle Nashville, New York City faces Boston, Pittsburgh is pitted against Philadelphia, and Chicago fights Toronto.

“I made these match-ups specifically to get as much competitiveness as possible,” Bezos said, as he petted a white cat sitting in his lap. “I expect each city to wage war on its mortal enemy, and I want casualties. Big casualties. I demand the weak fall by the wayside so that only true champions prevail. And only victorious cities will make it to the next round.”

Bezos refused to disclose what the next round of The Plunder Games would entail, but promised it would be “epic.” He also disclosed all city battles would be filmed, edited, and shown later on Amazon Prime as a new series.

The Plunder Games will be huge! It’ll get great viewership. Death and destruction attract eyeballs,” Bezos said, with a maniacal laugh. “Viewers won’t know the winners until they watch all ten episodes. I’m as curious as anyone to see who will win! Let The Plunder Games begin!”

Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

Amazon, the internet everything store, has come under a barrage of bad publicity following a scathing expose of its high pressure working conditions in The New York Times. Today The Lint Screen learned that the company is fighting back–– with a new service that it says “shows compassion and concern for our best customers, while instilling our youth with a good work ethic.”

It’s called Amazon Urchin Prime. Those who enroll for $249/annually will receive a personal street urchin to fetch Amazon orders the moment they are made, and deliver them “toot sweet, or faster.”

“Urchin Prime shows a new level of responsive, attentive service,” said Todd Lorrhence, Amazon’s Sr. V.P. Corporate Toadying. “It gives Amazon a human face and scurrying feet to fetch whatever our customers desire. And for our urchins, it offers a free on the job training program in industriousness, personalized service skills development and customer commitment. We see this as a win-win-win situation.”

Jeff Bezos, check and mate. Take that, New York Times! Who’s evil now?