Tag: Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite

  • Pickles Airs Attack Ad

    The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent. Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states: OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD. ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite…

  • Granite Announces It May Consider Thinking About Dropping Out of Race

    The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two. “Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time…

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates. “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”…

  • Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

    Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not…

  • Granite Promises Sex Registry

    With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled. In a statement issued today, Granite promised that…

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In. Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant. “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let…