Entries tagged with “borscht”.


Home sweet home, but for how long?

Home sweet home, but for how long?

National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden is a man without a country, and a man without many fans at the Moscow Airport he has been holed-up in for weeks now.

“The guy’s a bum,” said Aleksey Tangomir who operates a newsstand at the airport. “Every day he comes by here stinking like a dead sewer rat who doesn’t use deodorant. He thumbs through the magazines and plays with the souvenir Putin stuffed dolls or the secret police keychains with the retractable 6″ serrated blade and pop-up Makarov pistol, but the cheap bastard never buys anything. I’m sick of him. Yankee go home!”

Nikodim Driscoll, manages the chain restaurant Borscht-A-Teria in the airport. He wants Snowden out. “He comes around here saying he will swap secrets for Borscht. Wants to tell me how American big brother is watching Americans. Who cares? My big brother works for KGB, I know he watches us. My sister was disappeared last year! I tell Snowden, ‘No borscht for you!’ but he never laughs. Must not be a Seinfeld fan. Who needs him?”

 

How many commies can you count?

How many commies can you count?

The news is ablaze that Russians are invading Georgia. I’ve been sequestered beneath my desk disguised in a unicorn costume (the last thing they’d ever expect to find in Georgia, what with unicorns mostly being extinct and all). But I’ve yet to see any commie aggressors.

As this recent picture attests, if the Russians are on Georgian soil their uniforms are blending right into the landscape. This is what makes the red menace so deadly dangerous. Keep a watchful eye, people, they could be slipping Fluoride into our water supply at this very moment. Why do Stalinists hate dentists so much? It’s just not right! Dentists could help us with off shore drilling, ice caps and bridges.

Be safe. Stay hidden. Don’t make borscht. We’ll make it through this, somehow.