Around the world, people watched non-humans debate.
Last night, Dr. John Doolittle moderated the first ever presidential debate with exclusively non-human candidates
, and the broadcast which aired on Animal Planet
attracted viewership numbers to rival Dancing With The Stars
or American Idol
The debate panel consisted of adorable puppy, Santy Paws, lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, and colorful character, Carl The Chameleon. Because of moderator Dr. Doolittle’s amazing ability “to talk to the animals,” there was no need for translators and all points of view of the candidates were heard loud and clear.
The non-human debate highlights included:
+ Carl The Chameleon said that God asked him to run for the presidency. “But I didn’t hear His voice,” said the small lizard, “I received a text message from Him.”
+ Santy Paws claimed that God talked to him all the time and texted him frequently. He also said that if he was elected president, “All good little boys and girls will get tax breaks and entitlement programs out the wazoo.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that whatever Santy Paws promises in tax cuts and entitlements, he will double and perhaps even triple them. “Because I think Americans deserve the best and then even better!”
+ Ms. Pickles said that she was a more evolved species than either of her opponents and thus a better choice to lead the nation. “But I do not think evolution should be taught in schools,” she said earnestly. “It is just a cockamamee theory, after all.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that he is not worried about climate change. “Excruciating tropical heat doesn’t bother me in the least. Feels pretty darn good, actually,” he said.
+ Santy Paws said if elected he would “lick every American’s face with my warm tongue. And it’s a little scratchy so it tickles, people! You’re going to love my licks o’ love!”
+ Carl The Chameleon said he would use his “long tongue of justice” to rid the nation of mosquitos and other pesky flying insects.
+ Ms. Pickles said she would use drones to address the flying insect terrorism problem.
+ Santy Paws said he believed flying insects are evil and should be contained at Guantanamo Bay. He said that he would not give flying insects tax cuts or entitlement benefits.
+ Carl The Chameleon said that Santy Paws was too soft on terrorism and that America needed a cold-blooded leader like him.
+ Santy Paws pivoted toward Carl The Chameleon‘s podium, opened his mouth and quickly snagged the small reptile into it. Santy Paws then ate his opponent with his razor-sharp teeth and said “Who’s soft now?”
+ Ms. Pickles squealed in fright and ran off the stage. Later, the Ms. Pickles campaign staff reported that the primate candidate was requesting Secret Service protection.
After the debate, Dr. Doolittle said that it was an illuminating experience. “I think we got a good feel for where these candidates stand,” he said, “and I think everyone would agree it was much livelier than the human debates we’ve seen thus far.”
The non-humans will square-off in upcoming historic debate
Try as they may, Santy Paws
, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles
, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon
, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet
Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.
Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”
Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”
The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.
Although Mr. Tuggles exited the presidential race
Carl The Chameleon throws his multi-colored hat into the ring. Handguns fire in celebration!
, a new candidate has stepped forward with grand ambitions: Carl The Chameleon.
“This is tremendous news for the nation,” said campaign manager, Sandy Oceans in a press conference held in Portland, Oregon this morning. “This 2012 campaign already has a Newt, but now it has a lizard that people can really believe in. One that can change its colors to fit the environment perfectly. And, a candidate with stereoscopic eyes to boldly see a future where we all can live in economic prosperity and jobs aplenty! Two, three, four jobs for everyone! A couple of ‘em six figure babies, to boot! And get a load of this– whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in! And let me tell you, you won’t be getting that from any poopy puppy or mangy monkey, no siree! All they’ll do is give you empty promises. Carl The Chameleon will deliver results beautifully!”
A crowd of hundreds applauded loudly and shot off handguns in joyous celebration. The competing campaign camps for Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles did not return phone calls for commentary on Carl The Chameleon’s candidacy, nor was there any word from Newt’s people.