The Lint Screen

This is where your feet want to be tonight because this is where Hollywood royalty does the perp walk before prostrating themselves before the fatted golden little man named Oscar and anyone who is anyone is totally here and as glammed-up as thirsty angels going out on a Saturday night bender and look who’s coming now– it’s Natalie Portman of Black Swan fame and she is gorgeously decked-out in a pink taffeta tutu number with black fishnet stockings and purple plastic kneecap protectors and what’s that she’s eating– it’s planks of chicken tenders and she’s dunking them in a small bucket of cream gravy a servant is carrying and oopsie-daisy a glop o’ gravy just hit the red carpet and that is going to leave an awful greasy stain and who is this coming– why it’s True Grit’s own Jeff Bridges and he is gussied-up in a cowboy theme of leather chaps, no pants, and a red bandana tied ’round his neck and he has an eyepatch covering his right nipple and I think this may be the fashion statement of the evening but WAIT, here comes Helena Bonham Carter of The King’s Speech and she is gorgeous in an all white nurse’s outfit and bright red pumps but it looks like she’s tracking something all over the carpet and by the smell of it I think she may not have watched her step around her dogs, and oh my word here’s her leading man Kingy-poo, Colin Firth, and he apparently did not know that The Oscars are a formal affair– he’s wearing tattered jeans, a faded Led Zep tee and Crocs, oh, he must feel out of place but look who’s coming now– it’s bad boy Charlie Sheen and he smells like he has been partying for days and oh my goodness, he’s making sick all over Melissa Leo’s gown and the red carpet and here comes The Situation from Jersey Shore drinking red wine from the bottle and fortunately he has been tasered and the wine has spilled all over the carpet, that stain will never come out, and the cops are dragging him away in handcuffs, oh I wish you could see the action here on the red carpet– it is SOMETHING but I am going to have a long night trying to get this red carpet clean again…

In preparation for the upcoming Academy Awards Ceremony, The Lint Screen has dug deep to unearth ten fascinating tidbits your big brain probably didn’t know that it didn’t know.

1. Aaron Sorkin wrote the 164-page screenplay for The Social Network in a Starbucks on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica in the time it took him to drink a Venti Caramel Macchiatto. What makes this fact even more amazing is that he actually resisted the siren call of the raspberry scones.

2. That scene in Inception where the street rolls up and everything gets all kaflooey–– done with bulldozers. And very skilled magicians.

3. While Natalie Portman did a magnificent job learning to dance ballet in Black Swan, she almost killed herself with a misstep while dancing the hokey-pokey at a cast party. “Natalie is a natural athlete,” said a choreographer on the picture. “While she’s quite gifted and graceful putting her left foot in and putting her left foot out, she is a total klutz in the shaking it all about department. Please don’t tell her I said that– I can’t survive another one of her beatings!”

4. The original title for The Kids Are All Right was Baba O’Reily.

5. Being a dedicated method actor, Jeff Bridges gouged his left eye out of his skull and had it replaced with a glass eyeball for the filming of True Grit. But before shooting began, directors Joel and Ethan Coen decided they preferred Rooster Cogburn’s right eye to be covered with the eyepatch. Bridges went to his trailer and stumbled back to the set wearing the eyepatch over his right eye.

6. James Franco did not really saw his arm off in 127 Hours, but his stunt double, now called Lefty, is pretty bitter about the entire filming experience.

7. Colin Firth not only faked his stammer in The King’s Speech, he also sewed all the costumes for the wardrobe department. “I’m quite good with a needle and thread,” said the handsome actor. “It helps to calm my nerves. I have a collection of thimbles that is quite modestly second to none. I say, would you like some cuffs on your trousers, guvnor?”

8. All the actors in Winter’s Bone had distinguished British accents and performed on horseback. The horses were removed in post production.

9. In Toy Story 3, Woody and Buzz got into a huge fight at the craft services table. Woody was hospitalized for two days and Buzz required six stitches and heavy make-up to cover his bruises. The two did not speak off camera at all after the incident.

10. The entire film The Fighter–– done in one take. All the sweat? Fake.

Now you know…

Humans are hard-wired to love the stories of underdogs battling adversity to win. These Rocky tales, when well-told, are surefire catnip for Oscar consideration and boffo box office.

Enter The King’s Speech, which ups the Oscar attraction by being a period British historical drama with some comedic relief. This is catnip for catnip–– Hollywood is well-stocked with Anglophiles who swoon for all things British, and this film will certainly attract Oscar consideration and nominations like cat fur to wool.

It’s a true tale well-told with meticulous art direction and costuming supporting wonderful acting, writing and directing. That said, I hope it doesn’t run away with gold statuettes. It’s very good, well crafted throughout, but hardly the standout film of the year.

The King’s Speech is the incredible story of King George VI, a man who kept a stiff upper lip that unfortunately stammered badly, and how he overcame this adversity with the help of an Aussie speech therapist, and went on to speak to a nation- and for a nation – during wartime.

Oh, it’s got it all, this one does: superb performances by Colin Firth as Albert, nicknamed ‘Bertie’ and father of QEII, the man who would be King, and Geoffrey Rush as Lionel Logue, his teacher/confidant/friend in a story that’s almost too good to be true, made better by the fact that it is true. The throne comes to Albert (King George VI) after his older brother, Edward, abdicated the crown to marry Wallis Simpson, a twice-divorced yank. Thus, the younger brother gets the hand-me-down crown and the heavy responsibilities of leadership.

A few years after, Hitler declares war on Britain and bada-bing, the stuttering, stammering royal must now face his nation with a confident voice. King George VI is Rocky, Lionel Logue is Mickey (Burgess Meredith), his trainer in the corner encouraging him on, and the microphone is Apollo Creed.

Ding-ding–– it’s showtime. Guess who wins?

The King’s Speech is a must-see movie and deserves lots of attention and maybe a little Oscar love, but I hope Hollywood doesn’t go ga-ga for it. We had better films last year.