Send help immediately! Beam down some laughs and entertainment!!! We're dying down here!

I like to think of going to a movie in a darkened theater to be like occupying a spacecraft. The audience is your fellow crew members and the screen is our window to a brave new world.

I avoid really crowded theaters since some crew members don’t know how to act. I love theaters where the crew is small because these private screenings give the best of all worlds: a huge screen, comfy chair and precious little chance for any distractions.

I’ve just returned from a mission where there were only three crew members and our window to a new world was the largest screen at a 24-plex. I’m sorry to report the mission was an abject failure–– a steaming pile called Paul. If you’ve even contemplated going, save your money or put it through a shredder; you’ll have a more entertaining time.

Paul is an alien tale, an adult E.T. with a potty mouth who smokes, drinks and likes his doobies. He’s voiced by Seth Rogan.

While the effects of Paul speaking and moving are great, what he is saying and doing is dumb and crude. This film was written by and stars Brits Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as nerds from the U.K. exploring Comic Con and all the places of alien lore in the American west. This film wastes the considerable talents of Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Jane Lynch, Jeffrey Tambor, Sigourney Weaver and Blythe Danner playing the youngest looking 70-year old ever filmed. With all the effects of this movie, you think they could have aged her a little bit.

I suppose if one were drunk enough or high enough you could mine for laughs in the f-bombs, crotch kicks and women slugging men in the face. And if you did find yourself laughing, this would be a good indication that you’ve hit bottom and it’s time to seek professional help and twelve steps out of the cellar.

In short, this movie could not end quickly enough for my tastes. Yet, I see on IMDb this sucker got 7.5 stars out of 10. Well, you decide, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…