Entries tagged with “football”.


Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA soccer loss

Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA World Cup soccer loss

U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

“Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

Boehner wept.

Having been in Scotland a week, here’s some observations.

  1. The thought of haggis is much worse than the taste of it. That said, you’ll probably never see “haggis-flavoured” anything on your grocer’s shelf. 
  2.  The people are wonderfully friendly and very accommodating. They’re bright, interesting and good conversationalists. Plus, they hardly ever sucker punch you.
  3. Many people speak with a “Scottish” accent. What’s with that? 
  4. Europeans require much less space than Americans. The cars are smaller, hotel rooms are smaller, houses are smaller. They are also gentler to the planet with eco-friendlier diesel engines and smart ideas like requiring your hotel key be placed into a slot to access electricity in your room.  BTW, if you’re ever in the U.K and have a chance to stay at a Dakota property, jump on it. High tech meets high comfort– I wish this concept would come to America.       

    Not all Scottish homes are smaller...

    Not all Scottish homes are smaller.

  5. Have yet to see anything “butterscotch” on a menu. Spooky.
  6. The Scots are very precise in their pours of their fine whiskeys. They use silver short stubby measuring cylinders and carefully pour the amber love to the brim, then into the glass ye go– and not a drop more! Pity they don’t pour more generously, but apparently it’s a legal tax-related thing. That reasoning for a stingy pour is no reason to a thirst man!
  7. To see a Scot wince, ask for ice to accompany your fine whiskey.
  8. I’ve seen men in kilts, and I’d sooner wear a fuchsia taffeta backless number that rode high on me thigh– I have adorable pumps for that get-up and can accessorize  perfectly.
  9. British is not synonymous with English. The Scots like the English about as much as the Irish do. Still, they’re all British and proud of it in war times (although a Scotsman told me a disproportionate number of Scots and Irish spill their blood in the cause).
  10. Although most pubs have Guinness, it’s rarely poured here. Tennents and Belhaven’s Best flow freely, however, and they drink right nice.
  11. The Scots are not terribly overweight, but the restaurants serve mammoth portions of foodstuffs. “Chips” are usually platefuls of sheer, utter disappointment– thick wedges of limp, under-cooked potatoes. Slabs of starchy mush. It’s time these good people cranked the heat on the deep fryer and gave the chips a longer bath to crispdom. The same goes for England and Ireland. How ’bout it U.K.– serve some crisp on your chips!
  12. Beans for breakfast? Is that any way to start your day? You do live amongst fellow humans, you know…
  13. Golf is a religion here and my game is agnostic, at best. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed the courses, the people and endless challenges presented by wind, weather and trickster greens. 
  14. Many people here are actually from there. Last night, our waitress was from Pittsburgh. This morning, the waitress was from Poland. This evening from Budapest. You’ll hear many accents over here, some of them are even Scottish. 
  15. Edinburgh is one great city. It has an incredible history, stunning beauty and wonderful people. I’ll be back here, aye, I will.         

    Scottish Fields Forever

    Scottish Fields Forever

  16. The Scottish countryside is easy on the eye with gently rolling hills and fields of rape seed that are absolutely resplendent in the sunlight. You see them and imagine Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion running up over the hill.
  17. If you have an ad account in the U.K., call on The Union, an excellent ad agency in Edinburgh, and rest soundly. They’re smart, likable people who are quite genius at coming up with good adverts and such. 
  18. My ears cannot acquire a taste for bagpipes. Sounds a bit too much like cats being tortured.
  19. Although the Scottish golf courses I played were magnificent, Irish golf courses are more challenging. The roughs are rougher, the terrain more challenging and the caddies more caustic. Still, Scottish golf is hardly a walk in the park. For me, it was more of an endless hunt in the gorse.
  20. The basic food in Scotland is tastier than that served in Ireland (or London for that matter).
  21. Soccer is football here and Manchester United is the New York Yankees of football clubs (the manager is a Scotsman). There are Scottish teams, but most of the buzz was about “Man United.” People are also keen on their rugby, which I was told is a sport at the finer and more exclusive schools. A Scot told me there’s an old saying, “Football is a game for gentlemen played by hooligans, and rugby is a game for hooligans played by gentlemen.” I nodded my head knowingly not knowing anything about any of it.
  22. Scottish dance is like mad ballet and a perfectly beautiful punishment for naughty feet.
  23. I’ve become too reliant on the digital teat. I had shot over 200 pictures with my digital camera when suddenly it informed me I had no images on my SanDisk 2 GB flash card. I’ll see if this can be remedied in the States and I will be hate-filled if it all that shutterbuggery goes into the digital ether. I had so many great Scottish images caught, it’s a shame to leave them to my pathetic analog memory (the pictures above were taken with my iPhone). Has anyone else ever had this problem with digital cameras? Was it fixed? Am I digitally screwed?
  24. Although Robert Burns and Tom Morris are gods here, don’t you dare try and read poetry on a tee box. Ye won’t make many friends.
  25. If you’ve never visited Scotland, do so. There’s a reason it’s inspired so much poetry.