Entries tagged with “God”.

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Putin may get more than he bargained for following his recent rant.

Putin may get more than he bargained for.

Unnamed sources close to God report that He is upset at the recent tirade that Russia president Vladimir Putin staged following a meteor landing in his country.

“The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”

There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.

Sometimes finding the right words is, kind of, you know, uh, whatchacallit, ummm...

Recently, BP launched an extensive media blitz to reassure Americans that it is dedicated to cleaning up the mess it has made in the Gulf of Mexico. The spokesman for the TV campaign is the company’s chief executive officer, Tony Hayward. The Lint Screen has obtained some early drafts of scripts allegedly penned by the executive. They are reprinted here for your enlightenment.

TH: I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Since this unfortunate oil spill, I have been getting terrible mild headaches. My appetite is lacking and my palate cannot confidently discern a ’98 Petrus Pomerol from a ’99 Chteau Le Pin Pomerol. Looking at my massive net worth does not bring me the intense pleasure it once did. While I can empathize with what many people and animals in the gulf coast are going through, I wish more people would empathize with what I am going through. Look, we’re all in this together. I feel your pain, so please, return the favor and feel a bit of mine. Have a little compassion, won’t you? Thank you.

TH: You know, it’s easy to play the ‘blame game’ for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Sure, BP had 760 safety violations in recent years, but let’s not assume that makes us guilty of negligence in this horrific accident. If you’re like me, you believe in God, and He ultimately is responsible for everything on earth. After all, He made it, populated it and allows both good things and bad things to happen. Why God wanted this awful oil spill, I don’t know. But my faith is strong enough that I am willing to accept His will. I hope that you will do the same. I’m Tony Hayward, asking you to pray for me and BP.

TH: At BP, we’re concerned for your health. While many support solar power, we know that the sun can also be very dangerous with its harmful UV rays. Especially to those of us with pasty white complexions. Well, one benefit of the recent oil spill is that the pristine beaches so inviting to so many sun worshippers will soon be closed for clean-up operations. This means that BP is helping save millions of Americans from the dangers of UV rays and the risks of sun cancer. Protecting people is just another reason BP should be your first choice in quality petroleum products. Thank you and please don’t forget the sunscreen. BP cares.

TH: Hello, I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. At BP, we’re concerned about our environment because Mother Nature is our mother, too. She is getting on in her years and we love her as much as ever. So, we’re working hard to clean-up the unfortunate mishap that occurred recently in the Gulf of Mexico. While no one can say what exactly caused the terrible oil spill, we’re going to spend our own money and make great efforts to clean it up. Yes, it’s costing us a bloody fortune, but we will spend whatever it takes to make it right. You see, at BP we believe that oil and water don’t mix, and we’re going to help our poor Mother clean herself up. Not because it’s our fault, but because it’s the right thing to do for the poor old girl.