The United States of America learned today that it had been rejected for its Discover Card application. A company spokesman said the country “poses too great a risk,” “has a shaky employment history,” and “is probably more of a Capital One-type of customer.”

While government officials expressed disappointment at the news, they were thankful for the tip about applying for a Capital One credit card. “They give those suckers to absolutely anyone, so we’re golden.”

Some added muscle will raise needed revenue.

Meanwhile, the government is organizing an army of church ushers to act as a goon squad going door to door across America with collection baskets.

An official said, “The ushers will be charged with taking whatever measures necessary for weisenheimers to part with their dough. We need cheapskates to pony up the benjis to reduce the huge deficit what we got.” The official added, “Look, we’ll do whatever it takes so we don’t have to raise taxes on billionaires, see. After all, they’re the bosses who make huge political donations for elections, they gots to be protected at all costs, see.”