Entries tagged with “gun control”.


Sausage being made to express sorrow after gun incidents.

Sausage being made to express sorrow after gun incidents.

After four gun control bills were voted down in the Senate and House, lawmakers took decisive action and passed bold legislation that will make post-gun-massacres easier to handle.

The “Thoughts And Prayers” bill will automatically trigger condolences from Senators and Representatives immediately following any major gun incident.

“We’ve been wasting a heck of a lot of time expressing our grief after shootings,” Sen. Yancy Marlborough of Utah told The Lint Screen. “This legislation will allow each lawmaker to pre-record his solemn message sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ to the victims of gun foul play. When incidents happen, we’ll be able to release our messages efficiently.”

“It’s a critical step forward,” said Rep. Lawrence Blunderfloss of Kansas. “Although 92% of the American public supports stronger gun control measures, there’s nothing we can do to stop bad guys from getting semi-automatic weapons. Background checks won’t work, they’d make a mockery of our Constitution. This important bill will assist Washington lawmakers in expressing our condolences in a time-saving manner, freeing up our availability to do our most important task–– raising funds for re-election.”

After the press conference, the lawmakers slithered back into their offices.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea says N.R.A.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea for Americans says N.R.A.

The National Rifle Association is mad!

The powerful organization is urging lawmakers to pass legislation that will make it much easier for people to acquire guns.

“It’s ridiculous the hoops we make law abiding Americans jump through to get a weapon,” said an N.R.A. spokesman. “We force people to go to gun shows or even strain themselves by shopping on-line to get their weaponry protected by the Second Amendment. I don’t think our forefathers would stand for such ridiculous restraints coming between freedom lovers and semi-auto weaponry to protect ourselves from evil forces. So we want Congress to pass sensible laws like ‘Take A Gun, Leave A Gun’ that will make it easier for citizens to arm themselves!”

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is an idea inspired by “take a penny, leave a penny” popular at many convenience stores. Rather than pennies, a basket would be used so that people could leave firearms for others, and take the weapons they need.

“It just makes sense for there to be a hassle-free way for citizens to arm themselves,” said the N.R.A. spokesman as he slapped a new clip into his Glock. When asked if Take A Gun, Leave A Gun might lead to more convenience store armed robberies, the spokesman became irate. “Look, if the guy or girl behind the counter ain’t packing some heat, what in the blue blazes do they expect?”