Kids to be cast into fires of hell-- where they belong!
Gainesville, Florida Rev. Terry Jones has decided not to hold a public burning of copies of the Quran, the central religious text of Islam, on the ninth anniversary of 9-11. Instead, he now wants to burn copies of the classic textbook reader series “Dick and Jane.”
“I’ve got the world’s attention and I’ve got to make a statement of some sort,” said the pastor mopping his brow with a silk kerchief. “I guess a lot of folks were upset I was going to torch the Quran, but I don’t think anyone will be upset when I send those promiscuous characters Dick and Jane straight into the fires of hell!”
Rev. Jones says the books, many of which were mainstays of American education for well over 50 years, infiltrated young minds and turned them against all that is good and wholesome.
“These books are disgusting. Dick galavants about in short pants, chasing after Jane, wearing her revealing short dresses and highly shined shoes,” said the irate preacherman. “These demented characters include a young innocent named Sally and introduce Spot the Dog and Puff the Cat. Who knows what sort of disgusting beastiality ensued! And what of Tim the Teddy Bear? I know what people do with stuffed animals. All these illicit shenanigans occur under the approving eyes of the ultra liberal promiscuous parents, referred to Mother and Father. What sort of parents are these?! Is it any wonder the kids who read these subversive texts grew up to become beatniks, hippies, slackers, grungers and other Satanic cretins who only care about smoking reefer cigarettes, shooting the heroin powder and getting whacked-out on the goofballs and bennies!”
The preacher grew suddenly pensive. “I’ve got to burn something, I’ve got lots of matches.”
See me? 281st row, 134th from left, wearing a porkpie hat. Winking.
It was supposed to be a little concert in upstate New York. Just some friends, some music, some good times. It became a legendary rock concert and historic event. Even though I was just a kid from northeastern Ohio, I was there and kept a haphazard journal. Here are my notes from 40 years ago (scribbled on a Big Chief tablet):
Met some black dude named Jimi. Says he’s playing guitar on Sunday and wants to make a political statement. Says he’s thinking of playing “The Hokey-Pokey” because in Vietnam, you’re either in, you’re out, or you’re shaking it all about. I tell him it seems kinda heavy-handed. I suggest he plays “The Star Spangled Banner” and let people draw their own conclusions. He threw me his guitar and said, “Thanks, kid.” I wonder if he’s really playing or just kidding me…
Some of the younger kids are talking. Rumors going ’round is that the yellow Pez are cool. Orange are nice. BUT DO NOT take the purple Pez. They’re really, really sour.
Have given up on the idea of introducing myself to everyone here. After 14 straight hours of doing it, feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface. It’s also nearly impossible to remember all their names.
Rain. Mud. Stink like a wet monkey riding a wet donkey. Apparently there is no deodorant concession stand. Moisture also makes hair unmanageable.
Met a dude named Willie and his old lady Mildred. She was having a hard time getting her walker through the mud.
Where’s The 1910 Fruitgum Company? I thought they were playing… No Cowsills, yet, either… Herb Alpert & The Tiajuana Brass?
A Woodstock Poem: Love is in the air. Love is everywhere. Love to love this loving love. Love. Love. I hate those who can’t love. Love or die. Love or die. Love or I spit in your eye. Love, for crying out loud–LOVE!!!
Been holding this pee in for nine hours. I wish this bathroom line would move.
All these incredible young people, free spirits, open minds, all gathered together– baptized by rain, rock, and love. This world is going to be such a trippy, beautiful, peaceful place when these hippies take over and everyone just loves everyone and digs on everything. No more war, hate, pollution, prejudice, pain, flat tires, hunger, fallen arches, poverty, charlie horses in the middle of the night… no, man, it’s all going to be better. The world will change and it’s all going to be cool. Of this I am sure.